December

December is just a mere seven days away. Generally, I’m not overly eager for the month to be sprung upon us, for a variety of reasons. It represents a lot of disappointment and sadness. But God is transforming and redeeming every aspect of my life. Including my thoughts on December.

December is most commonly associated with Christmas. I do not like this association. Santa Clauses lining the store fronts with their jingle bells and cans of collected money. Commercials and magazines advertising the “must-haves.” Discounts and sales and plenty of reasons to buy. I can hardly tolerate it in America.

Yesterday I saw a plastic dancing Santa Clause outside of Nakumatt and their elephant mascot was adorned with twinkling lights. Sawa Citi also seems to like the idea of rushing the season. They have a decorated tree in the entrance and a (one) Christmas carol is playing on the speakers …on repeat. Ugh. Not you too, Rwanda. I do believe consumerized-Christmas is overtaking the world. (Note: Both Nakumatt and Sawa Citi could be considered grocery stores.)

But, I’m not trying to stand on a soap box. Christmas and consumerism are not the point of this post. In fact, I try to avoid the two. Yes, I will even admit to being a bit of a Scrooge when it comes to embracing the season.

But this particular December is going to be packed with excitement. So, I’m choosing to focus on the reasons to be happy about December, rather than moping through the season and missing out on an entire month and oppotunities to experience joy.

Reasons to Be Happy About December:

(1) The Hanlons (family friends who have been in the States since June) are coming on Dec. 5

(2) The Foltas (family friends who have been out of Rwanda for far too long) are coming on Dec. 18

(3) Bronwyn (good friend, and master of Dutch Blitz, who has been in Canada for university) is coming on Dec. 19

(4) I’ll be completing two-decades of living on Dec. 23

(5) I’m going on an 11 day adventure to South Africa on Dec. 26

And that’s not to mention all of the everyday occurrences that result in unplanned joy and happiness. I’m faced with reasons to smile and give thanks every single day. December is just going to have extra and bigger and better reasons. Yes, because of who God is, because of what He has done, and because of family and friends, I can’t wait for December.

Two for One

Resurfacing

I love observing Rwandans. Seeing evidence of their long-standing culture. There are certain things like weddings, for example, where culture and tradition are obviously prominent. There are other things such as the way disappointment or frustration are communicated, the way they communicate “touché” and the way they give their consent or approval with no more than the slight raise of the eyebrows. Those small things contribute to their way of life just as much as the big things. They are not ashamed of who they are. They take pride in their culture and heritage.

I wish I could have a video camera strapped to my helmet so you could witness everything I experience as I drive down our road though this small community of beautiful people. Children yelling “mzungu” in more of an endearing than insulting tone. Dodging trash, chickens, other motos, vegetables, huge ruts from the rain, and lots of people. Driving up the hill, kids chasing, frantically waving their arms. Or even better, when the kids are waiting for me outside of my gate with sweet smiling faces. It’s easy to get annoyed with it, because it’s relentless. You’d think they would get tired of greeting us multiple times a day or that eventually the excitement would wear off. But no, they press on, day after day as if it’s a requirement. I wish I could at least take pictures, but it’s not quite that simple. We could end up putting ourselves in a compromising situation if we walk around with a camera because (1) it labels us as being rich (and they don’t need any help coming to that conclusion) and it gives them more of a reason to try to get into our compound (again, they don’t need any encouragement). Maybe one day I’ll be able to, but not yet.

I haven’t blogged since September 15^th, the day I started my job with EDC (the job I mentioned in my last post). Coincidence? I think not. Sometimes I bite off more than I can chew. Scratch that. All the time I bite off more than I can chew. I’m a bit of an ambitious person. This job with EDC is a classic example of thinking I can take on more and discovering it wasn’t actually meant for me. I feel like I've been drowning in life, going through the motions, physically existing but emotionally absent.

   

No. This is not acceptable. I came to Rwanda to thrive and be and love every moment of everyday.

So a change was made. So-long EDC, the work you are doing here in Rwanda is great, but it’s not for me.

However, this job wasn’t all for naught. It has taught me a lot of things that I don’t like or don’t want to do in the future. Example: I will never be able to handle an office job. How do people sit still at a desk for hours on end? I crave change and excitement. As much I enjoy routine, I need the ability to alter things once in a while, to create a little spice and keep me interested.

Something else God has made really clear to me during this month and a half is my natural desire to teach. I’ve been teaching since I could talk. I used to line up my stuffed animals and read books to them, and then He gave me two brothers to hold captive on weekends and during summers.

“Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” –Psalm 37:4

I think God places a desire in your heart when He creates you, before you are even born. I believe there are hints of the desire in the early innocence of your life, but because we live in an imperfect world, the desire isn’t easily accessed. I think as you grow closer to Him and grow into who He created you to be, that desire becomes truly evident and He makes a way for you to attain it.

God has given me a love for kids. I come home from babysitting giddy, I feel energized after I finish an instrument lesson, I get excited when I have the opportunity to be around, influence, and teach kids.

My job at EDC did not allow me to interact with children and I felt like the life was being sucked out of me.

Letting go of this job not only gives me more time for myself, personally, it also gives me more time to be with kids. Maybe it’s volunteering at a school, maybe it’s afterschool tutoring, maybe it’s a ministry with street kids. Only God knows. But I needed to make a change in my schedule. I had become unavailable for God to use because I was too busy. 

Head Above Water

Because I haven’t blogged in so long I’m going to grace you with two entries…Two for one deal, if you will.

One of these days I’m going to write a book called, “Mastering the Art of Driving in Kigali” Subtitle: Everything from navigating muddy potholes to successfully going through Gishushu intersection. It’ll be great. Everyone will read it and become much better drivers because of it. (Please hear my voice dripping with sarcasm.) I do believe Jesus preforms a miracle every time I get from one destination to the next, safely, unharmed.

Last weekend I went to Nyungwe forest (pronounced: newngway, but the “g” is kinda swallowed) with two friends of mine. Nyungwe is really cool because it provides a bit of a different scenery. Rwanda is beautiful but after the ninety-seventh hill, plowed and patterned for growing, and the nine hundred and ninety-seventh person, it’s a good time for a little snooze.

I’ve driven through Nyungwe plenty of times (which is a feat in itself because of my unfortunate inclination to carsickness) but I’ve never stopped and stayed. The forest is really dense. There are lots of monkeys in the forest and occasionally a few brave ones who make their way to the road to provide entertainment for camera-ready people.

We stayed in a nice guest house (one of three) just outside the forest, past the tea plantation. The guest house is located at the top of a very steep hill, sitting above the forest and the tea plantation and Lake Kivu. (Lake Kivu continues to be my favorite thing in Rwanda; unfortunately this trip did not allow time for a quick dip or a boat ride.) We went for a hike through the forest; this particular hike involved a swinging rope bridge. It’s a thrilling experience to be 360 meters off the ground, walking on a sliver of an unsteady walkway. And, the sun came out as we were walking across…being a rain forest, it rains all the time, imagine that.

We also ventured over to the high-dollar lodge, located in the middle of the tea plantation. It has a small infinity pool giving you the impression that you might fall right down into the middle of the forest. We enjoyed lunch and the lodge’s luxurious facilities without having to the pay the eyebrow-raising price. Then we embarked on a wet walk through the tea leaves back to our guest house in the light afternoon rain. We met a couple on our hike, earlier in the day, who offered us a ride back to Kigali in their car. I don’t mind public transport but it was nice to be able to ride back in the comfort of their vehicle. It was a quick trip to the forest but it’s always nice to get out of the city for a few days. Likewise, coming back into Kigali after some time away is a warm and welcome feeling.   

This picture came from google images.
I don't actually have a picture of a monkey.
I'm obviously not a "camera-ready person"

Tea plantation and forest

Lake Kivu off in the distance

The infinity pool at the lodge (not our guest house)

Swinging rope bridge draped in the trees

Tea plantation

Now that I have resurfaced and have my head above water, breathing normally again, I have time for some free-style swimming. And a chance to enjoy those swimming in the pool (of life) with me. I can take weekend trips to the forest, I can go for walks, I can blog, I can read books, I can hang out with kids, I can basically do whatever I want. Not in a rebellious, “I do what I want” kind of way, but more of “I have freedom; I am free” way.

Something I’ve been wrestling with for many months is the overwhelmingly large concept of love. God is spoon-feeding me the knowledge and understanding and He is showing me His love in unexpected ways.

The love I feel for children is not something I produce. I’m not trying to love kids. The love coming out of me is first being poured into me by God and then I’m able to express it and give it others. It’s a kind of love that flows freely and doesn’t leave me depleted.

I see God’s love in creation. Not just creation of people but His creation of everything, surrounding and enveloping us. When I look at the rolling hills of Rwanda, I see His artistic hand. I see His longing to bless His people, blessing people with beauty for our eyes to soak in. I think of the majestic Rocky Mountains that I was allowed to experience during my time in Colorado, I think of the rolling waves of the ocean I witnessed in Florida, I think of a snow-covered ground, or a field of wheat, or a green meadow laden with wild flowers. Ah, the beauty. The creativity. The love.

                  I’ll leave you with this: Life rarely goes the way you think it’s going to go. Stay flexible. Rely fully on Him. He wants to guide you. He wants to love you. Let Him.

It is Possible

I was recently offered a part time job to work with EDC – Education Development Center is an organization that empowers students to follow their dreams and pursue marketing and entrepreneurship. My job is to write about the success of the projects here in Rwanda. I will be making trips to villages outside of the city to report the progress being made and I will also have the opportunity to advise and educate students on writing their own resumes. I’m just getting started, but I can already tell I’m going to have so much fun with the job.

Rwandan Rule of Thumb: There is always, always enough space. Yes, we can fit one more person onto the bus. Yes, we can fit one more item in the box. In Rwanda, everything is possible. You will never hear the phrase, “Oh, that’s impossible!” I admire their optimism and am usually amazed at their ability to “cram one more thing.”

Case and point of the aforementioned rule: On Sunday nights I go to a home church. This past Sunday two of my friends and I were traveling together. I was driving Tink (refer to last blog if you’re confused about what Tink is) wearing a backpack and I had one friend sitting behind me with a guitar, in a case, on her back and a shoulder bag resting on her lap. Our other friend was following us on a moto wearing a backpack and holding a shoulder bag. (Yes, this is all very important information.) Something else that should be noted: unless you know where you’re going, you have no idea where you’re going. Giving directions in Kigali is like tying your shoelaces with one hand. And, it was dark, so the odds were definitely not in our favor. (Oh, and church was being held at a different home than normal.) The directions were to “drive down the dirt road to the last house on the left” So, we drove to the very end of the unlit dirt road and stopped outside the last house, knocked on the gate, and found out that it wasn’t the right house. After asking “where the mzungus (white people) lived, we were directed, by the security guard, to walk around the corner down the hill to try the lower road. That was a complete dead end; I’m actually not sure why we thought that was a good idea. Finally one of us thought it would be a smart to call the people we were trying to find. We soon learned that we had gone way too far down the road, which seemed to be a bit obvious at this point. So, we turned around and began our trek back to the main road. Instead of two people going on Tink and leaving one to walk by herself (because at this time the moto had already abandoned us), one of my friends asked, “So, Grace, do you think all three of us could ride on Tink?” “Yeah. It is possible.” And it actually happened. 3 loudly laughing people, 2 backpacks, 2 shoulder bags, and 1 guitar went bumping back up the road until finally we found the house we were looking for.

I love the word embrace. The way the word sounds, the definition, the implications. God has been teaching me a lot about embrace and embracing. I feel like I walk around with arms open, ready to embrace any and every opportunity or person or circumstance. But, one thing I’ve failed to do is embrace myself. I’m a big supporter of the “He must increase, I must decrease” that Paul so passionately talked about. I’m all about selflessness, so embracing myself isn’t really in my train of thought. But, God created me. And everything God created is beautiful and usable. And so if I’m embracing God’s creation, then I also need to embrace myself. But that doesn’t mean, embrace myself as I am today, because that actually isn’t very difficult. For me, the challenge comes with embracing my life. I forget about and intentionally leave out certain parts of my life. Parts that I’m ashamed of, or times when I got burned and mistreated. But God is showing me that every day from December 23, 1994 up until now, was created and ordained by Him. He made my life and I need to embrace it. I am embracing it. Now, when people want to get to know me, I’m okay with talking about the hard parts, or the embarrassing parts. I don’t want to leave anything out because it’s all me.

My time in Rwanda is passing by so quickly. I would easily stay here forever, but I can already sense God tugging my heart and calling me somewhere else. And that was what God told me from the beginning – I was coming to Rwanda for a short time to regain my confidence and strength and learn the next step of my life. Don’t worry I’m not jumping ship anytime soon, I’m too in love with this country to leave on a whim. I’ll go when God tells me it’s time. Will I return to Rwanda again? It is possible. But for now, I’m here, engaged and embracing. 

Living the Life

Rainy season seems to be closing in on us which really could be referred to as, “The Season that Requires Four Alterations to Your Outfit a Day” The mornings are fairly cool, so you dress warmly but then as the day goes on it becomes quite hot so you change into something cooler or remove a layer. Then it rains and your clothes become drenched resulting in yet another change, and then finally the sun goes down and it’s cold again. Despite the wardrobe inconvenience, I love rainy season. Next time it rains I plan to grab my shampoo and soap and take a shower outside; I’ll finally be able to get some decent water pressure.

We live in between a church and a mosque. We hear the Islamic calls to prayer five times a day and we hear the church about seven days a week. They have Sunday morning service, Tuesday afternoon service, Friday night service…it’s always going, with its lively music and enthusiastic preaching. We also live in between two small communities. Walking down to the lower road leads to duka after duka (small hole-in-the-wall shop) of fabric, produce, clothes, charcoal, hardware, ladies with sewing machines ready to create, and lots of people. The road above has the same story. Our house helper has shown me the trick for making proper Tangawizi Chai (ginger tea with milk and sugar) and so I’ve been consuming large amounts, especially during the cold rains.

I’ve also been parading around Kigali on Tink and having quite a blast. Tink is my moto/mo-ped/scooter/bike. The reason why I call it Tink is because I don’t want to have to constantly refer to it as my moto/mo-ped/scooter/bike. I’m spending three to four hours a day on Kinyarwanda, but when I’m not at home studying I have Tink out, flying down paved roads or bumping down dirt roads, off to visit someone. I feel like I’m always visiting someone or someone is visiting me. Saying that relationships are important in this culture doesn’t even begin to cover it. Relationships are everything. But, it takes a long time to build relationships and until you have that relationship established your work is ineffective.

A lot of my time is spent with children and with each day I keep feeling a bigger tug at my heart for kids. Both the ones I’m in contact with and the children all around the world. And then the tug is followed by a reminder of my inner teacher. My brothers can testify of my teaching abilities…holding them captive all summer long so I could play school. What troopers they were!

Psalm 62 talks about waiting in silence. It has taken a couple weeks of chewing but I think I’ve finally been able to swallow and comprehend. Aren’t we supposed to continually ask Him for what we need/desire? And, if we're silent doesn’t that mean we're not asking? Well, I think it means that if you’ve made your heart known to God then wait patiently until He speaks to you. Give Him time to talk, don’t continually talk over Him. But that’s not so easy for me to do. When it comes to God, I’m pretty quick to speak and slow to listen.

God has also recently shown me that I am indeed a classic example of someone who clings to Him like a tick when times are tough and loosely holds His pinky finger when life is great. Why do I not feel the need to cling to Him at all times? The Bible talks about needing Him more than we need food and water…yesterday, I was out in a rural area at the edge of the city where water was limited and when I got home I promptly drank 3 glasses of water. Why do I only feel that desperate spiritual thirst when times are tough? Oh, how I despise the human nature.

But God is gracious. And He doesn’t give up on me even if I’m not waiting in silence or not clinging to Him with every moment of every day. He continues to love me. And this love that is poured in to me is overflowing to those around me. I love this country and its people and I love the life God has called me to. 

Speechless

It has been almost a month and a half of me happily existing in Rwanda again. I have been at a loss for words, which would explain the lack of a blog, trying to grasp a feeling to turn around and share with you but God has not given me any words to say. He has kept me silent. I’m always so quick to produce the answer, and I think this time God left me in awe for so long that I wasn’t able to speak.

It is completely impossible for me to describe what it feels like to be back in Rwanda. It’s almost as if I never left, but I did leave and so much happened in my thirteen months away. Everything is so natural and comfortable for me and I think that’s why I’m fooled into believing I never left. I’m thankful I can’t take a full-pressure shower with warm water every day. I’m thankful the power goes out suddenly. I’m thankful for the children who run along the red-brown dirt with filthy hands waving frantically with admiring faces so full of joy. I have effortlessly slipped right back into the language and the culture without even realizing it. And even though I haven’t discovered what the real definition of “home” is, I’m pretty sure Rwanda fits in there somewhere.

I think I’m finally starting to understand what love is and just how much God loves me. I think what I’m feeling here in Rwanda, towards Rwanda, might be what it feels like to be in love. Love is genuine. Love is raw. Love is painful. Love is always present for the good and the bad. Love is being fully engaged to life and those around you.

Something I learned from learning a language is that you aren’t supposed to ask the question “Why?” If you ask “Why?” then you’ll get too caught up in the “behind the scenes” part of the language. When a baby is learning to speak, he repeats what he hears and slowly builds a vocabulary, he doesn’t hear words and then ask why it is that way. I think God wishes it was the same way with our relationship with Him. “God, why do you love me?” Can’t we just accept that this is the way it is without needing to know the ins and outs of His plan?

Besides walking around like a love-struck teenager all day, I’m taking Kinyarwanda lessons and aiming toward fluency. I have learned that I like languages and they seem to come fairly easy to me, albeit I find Kinyarwanda very difficult, but I’m still having fun with it. I’m working with a Rwandan lady who ministers to a special group of children in a nearby slum. I’m dreaming and praying and getting ready to take a step into several different ministries to peer in the window and see if I’m enticed. Orphanages? Slums? Widows? Elementary/middle/high school kids? Art? Music? The options and opportunities are endless, I just need Him to guide and direct my paths. And He will.

Doubt

The idea of being on Rwandan soil in five days is possibly too much for me to handle. I can’t believe how quickly the time has passed. I’m not saying that in a regretful way, by any means. It passed at just the right pace. And now I’m saying in amazement and appreciation that I’m so glad I’ve almost made it to June 30.

In these past couple weeks I have been beginning to doubt my near-future (the future that’s starting in five days) because I cannot hear God’s voice. It’s definitely an attack from the enemy and it took a very special person on the outside looking in to bring me to my “on-guard” position. I was wondering, “Am I really supposed to be in Rwanda right now? There are so many opportunities for me here in St. Petersburg. [Side Note: In the last couple weeks I have been presented with several great (and tempting) opportunities…none of which are in my “field” of interest…sounds like an attempt at a distraction.] Maybe I didn’t hear God correctly. This is going to be a disaster.” On and on. But the thing is, when my mom tells me to unload the dishwasher she’s going to say, “Grace, can you please unload the dishwasher?” And then she’s going to walk away. In a few hours, she may walk by the dishwasher and see all the dishes still waiting to be put away and then she’d say “Grace, I thought I asked you to unload the dishwasher.” And my response could be, “Oh yeah! I forgot.” Or “Yeah, you did, but I don’t want to.” It’s the same with God. “Grace, go to Rwanda.” And then if I happen to get distracted with something else and get on the wrong path, He’ll come alongside me again and remind me of what He has asked me to do. Imagine if my mom followed me around the house repeatedly asking me to unload the dishwasher until I finally completed the task. That would be annoying. And unnecessary. Because I heard her loud and clear the first time. I shouldn’t need God to follow me around all day continually telling me to go to Rwanda. He already told me…and I’m going!

So, really, at this point, doubting isn’t even an option. My mom tells me to unload the dishwasher. I say okay. I do the job. Then suddenly, “Oh man, should I really have unloaded the dishwasher?” Too late. It’s already done. Move on, foolish girl. I did (or, rather, am doing) what God has asked me to do. Done. Fini. No more consideration.

So, with that being said, I’LL BE IN RWANDA IN FIVE DAYS!!!”

I’m anticipating all of the spectacular things He is going to do with me, through me, for me.

Already, even before arriving, He is showering blessings upon me. The things that I worry about the most are already taken care of. Friends are jumping on board and showing interest and support. For the first time in my life I think I can actually say that I’m leaving well. I’m making sure to do all the “lasts” and receive closure. I’m not afraid to leave. And I’m not afraid to go. I think part of the reason why I’m leaving well is because I existed well. While I was in St. Petersburg, I was in St. Petersburg. I was all here, engaged.

Although a relatively short time period, it was so very important for me. I will look back on these four months with fondness and thanksgiving. There are so many people who have invested in my life here in St. Petersburg, and have therefore contributed to my healing and renewing and strengthening in Christ.

Another chapter is coming to a close…

I have a haunch I’ll need a seat belt for the next one.  

Twiddling my Thumbs

Here I sit, waiting as patiently as possible for June 30^th to come around. I don’t have a lot on my plate, I’m just working at Stein Mart. I’m trying to keep myself occupied, but boy, is time passing slowly! “A watched pot never boils.” Oh, truer words were never spoken.  One positive to the endless “free time” is having an opportunity to sit and ponder. I do enjoy pondering.

[Disclaimer: I’m combining several entries written over the last couple weeks into this one post, so you’ll have to excuse the choppy flow. Also, blogger has decided to individually highlight each of my paragraphs...again with the choppy flow.]

The city of St. Petersburg is set up like a grid. Avenues and streets. The lights on 1^st Ave North and 1^st Ave South are timed so that if you go exactly 40mph (not 39, not 41) you will get each one green. Pretty simple and straight forward. Go 40mph, get smooth sailing all the way down the road.

Most people don’t seem to know this. They like to go flying down the road 45mph, or even faster, reasoning that they’ll get to their destination sooner. What they don’t seem to know is going a little slower will actually get them to their destination sooner. Or, maybe they know it and choose to continue on with their own way.

Not only are they messing themselves up, but they also end up robbing me from the pleasure of getting all the lights green. They race around “the slowpoke going 40mph” and get to the red light. Then, as I’m coming to the light, I have all these cars in front of me, slowing me up and preventing me from cruising along.

Walking with God is a lot like this. He makes it pretty clear for us: “Follow me. Trust me. Give your life to me. Then, I will give you life and abundant blessings and all you could ever need.” “Go 40mph and I will give you green lights.” But, for some reason, people seem to think they can figure out a better way to do life, and they race through, trampling His beautiful plan.

Engaged

I used to think the word “engaged” was a special word that could only be used once the proposal was made and accepted. But I’ve discovered that there are actually quite a few definitions of the word:

1-involved in activity

2-greatly interested

3-being in gear

So, what am I engaged to?

You. Everyone. Everything.

It goes along well with Jim Elliot’s quote, “Wherever you are, be all there.”

Example: I’m having lunch with a friend. Therefore, I am engaged to the restaurant, the atmosphere, the friend.

Example: I am living in St. Petersburg, FL…I’m engaged to the city and the people and the life here.

In other words, I’m committed.

I’m engaged to life.

I’m involved in an activity (life).

I’m greatly interested in [it].

I am in gear [with it] (Synced up).

Cool, right?

Being fully devoted to those around you.

Becoming engrossed in the day – the weather, the circumstances, the people.

Some of you might be considering steering clear from me for a while. You had no intention of being engaged to anyone…especially me.

But, seriously, try it. Try being engaged to everyone and everything.

It’s a risk. I’ll tell you right now, heartbreak is a part of the package deal. When you put yourself out there and become fully engaged, you can get burned.

It is possible to be engaged to someone/something without really loving him/her/it for a short period of time. But a long term engagement is going to inevitably lead to love. Genuine love.  You can’t be fully engaged without the attachment of feelings.

But I think it’s worth it. I think the joy that comes with an all-out, no-looking-back, engagement outweighs the deep pain and heartache you may feel on occasion. I think you’ll end up letting life slip by if you choose to hold it loosely and merely observe it from the sidelines.

Steadfast

I think steadfastness is closely related to engagement. The Bible tells us to be steadfast, so what does that look like?

1-Firmly fixed in place

2-Immovable

3-Not subject to change 

4-Firm in belief, determination, or adherence 

5-Loyal

Like all character traits, you can’t just walk into a store and purchase it for a few dollars. It has to be attained over time. I’ve learned that you can’t have certain character traits before learning others. For example, you can’t have true joy unless you’ve known real pain.

James tells us that the testing of our faith produces steadfastness.

Enduring the trial will mold you into a person who is firmly fixed in place, who is immovable, who is not subject to change, who is firm in belief, determination, or adherence, and who is loyal.

Sounds nice to me.

I want to be engaged and steadfast. To life. To you. To Him. I want to be content with going 40mph, remembering the reward of green lights. I want to hold on tightly to life and experience all that He is giving me each day. And I, selfishly, want the pot to come to a boil a little quicker. 

Back to Florida

I’ve just spent the last week in North Carolina visiting my family before their return to Rwanda. It was supposed to be a tearful time of “lasts” because I thought I would be staying in Florida for college and a job, but God has another plan in mind for me and is providing a way for me to join my family once again! So, the trip wasn’t too tearful after all…

Now, the countdown is on: 6 weeks to Rwanda.

But I can’t get ahead of myself.

I feel like a freshly picked avocado. I’ve grown from seed to fruit. The Farmer has decided I am ready to be picked. But, I need to ripen a bit before indulging.

If you try to cut an avocado open before it’s ready, first of all, it’s a struggle, and second of all, it doesn’t taste very good. But if you wait until the prime time, the avocado will fall apart effortlessly and taste delicious.

So, I’ve now moved into the ripening stage.

I’ve been in this “Preparation Process” for the past few weeks. Preparing for Rwanda. Spiritually and emotionally and mentally. (I guess I’m okay in the physical category.) I only have six weeks left of this “Preparation Process” and it makes me a little sad. It’s been a fantastic time. I’ve been reading books like Walking with God by John Eldridge and When Helping Hurts by Steve Corbett and Brian Fikkert and Love Does by Bob Goff. I’ve been reading Jesus Calling and My Utmost for His Highest. All of these insights and ideas of who God is and what He has in mind. God has been speaking to me through these books, but He has gone beyond that and has spoken directly to me. He and I have had such sweet fellowship, walking and talking and growing and learning.

It’s almost as if North Carolina was the climax of my “Preparation Process” and now I get to sit and ripen in His glorious presence. Just marveling and reflecting. And waiting. Waiting for Rwanda. Waiting for Him.

I’m okay with waiting.

God has blessed me beyond any words I could possibly express. Today I was struck by how many ways He has blessed me and I found myself wondering why. Why is He blessing me?

Because I love you.

Sharp intake of air.

For those of you following along with my life, you may know that I don’t understand love. The idea of love. The feeling of love. For some reason, it’s been a hard one for me to grasp.

So, the fact that God is blessing me simply because He loves me is mind boggling.

But, I’ve learned, if you repeat something over and over and over, eventually it sticks. It becomes a habit. A way of life.

So, I’ll continue to repeat, “God is blessing me because He loves me.”

Also, I believe God chooses to bless people who live for Him.

He is all I have. Truly. I’ve reached this point in my life where nothing really matters to me except Jesus. Sure I enjoy material items, because I’m human, and people do matter to me, but He has become my life.

“For you have died and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.” –Colossians 3:3

I will look back on this time – my four months spent in Florida; the last six weeks before Rwanda, and remember it as one of the highlights of my life.

But, I don’t want you to read this and get the impression that God and I have been frolicking through a field of daisies. To really be in a relationship with Jesus, to die and have your life hidden in Christ, to walk in step with Him, takes a lot of work. It’s a daily fight against the Enemy. I have to continually renew my mind and constantly tell myself who my God is and who I am. But, preserving through the day with the Lord, into the arms of the Lord, always brings joy.

I’m abounding in thanksgiving. I thank Him for the easy breezy days and the grueling battle days.

And I can’t wait to taste the ripened avocado. 

Out of Control

God is very artistic. I know He created the world and everything in it, but today I actually stopped to think about it. I was looking at palm trees (Imagine that! Palm trees in Florida.) and was taken by their unique appearance. Nearby were some short, stubby bushes; they had a completely different leaf and size. If God made something as simple as trees to be that diverse imagine how big our God really is. And then another thought popped into my head: Do you think God paints the sky every day? I would like to think so. Each morning He grabs His brush and goes to work. Some days He only paints a beautiful blue shade, other days He decided to add wisps of clouds, and other days He decides to paint a dark and gloomy rain storm. Yeah, I like this thought quite a bit. It’s comforting. And leaves me in awe.

I spend several days, weeks, and even months chewing on a particular word or concept or attribute of God. I never get to a final answer but I come to understand it more as time goes on. God slowly introduces knew words/concepts/attributes. Peace was a theme for a while, and now that it’s a part of my life, God has been able to teach me about love. And now He is bringing the idea of “following Him on a daily basis” alongside this quest for understanding love.

It’s easy to “follow God.” That is very general. Here is my life, as a whole. But what about, “Here is my day, God. What do you want me to do today?” Yikes. That means truly surrendering. Truly losing control. Well, I have to go to work at 11 o’clock today, that’s a given. But what about before work? What about after work? What about during work? Letting Him guide every minute is scary because it means I’m not in control.

The Bible tells us not to worry about tomorrow. Another easy one. I’m not worried about tomorrow. I just think about it all day today. Each day I’m continually thinking about what I’m planning to do tomorrow.

Example: A friend is supposed to bring cookies to a party. She shows up empty handed. I say to her, “Don’t worry about it!” Or… “Don’t think about it!” I want her to come in and forget about the cookies and enjoy the partying that is happening now.

So when Jesus told us to not worry about tomorrow, He was actually telling us to not think about tomorrow. Focus on today. Focus on right now. Focus on what He has given you up to this point.

It’s a challenge, but ultimately it’s freeing.

I had a day off from work today and so I decided to follow God. I opened my eyes, before I even got out of bed, and said, “Okay, Lord. What do you want to do today?” First we went to the beach. I was really expecting Him to speak to me in profound ways, because I was feeling all, “led by the Spirit,” but He was just there. With me. I read my Bible and prayed and He was there. I was a little frustrated at first because I wanted to know why God brought me out to the beach if He wasn’t going to tell me anything, but then as time went on I realized that this was a part of teaching me how to follow Him on a daily/hourly basis. I don’t always need a huge confirmation. He has revealed Himself to me and shown me His character. Isn’t that enough confirmation to trust Him on a daily basis? Do I really need a letter in the mail telling me to go to the beach? Can’t I just do what God says without expecting something great? Because isn’t just being with Him (period) great? Yes.

I needed to call T-Mobile today to get some things straightened out. I was bracing myself for being on hold for an hour, talking to someone who clearly knew nothing about their job and didn’t care about my situation, but I got the complete opposite. I was barely on hold for five minutes. The representative was cheerful and willing to do what needed to be done.

God wants to be a part of our day. He cares that I needed to deal with T-Mobile. He knows that I enjoy being outside, and that I enjoy painting and baking and writing (all things I got to do today).

There is less struggle to make it through the day when God is the one leading. Things flow naturally.

So, if God leads each day, then He leads each week, each month, each year and ultimately your whole life.

I believe I have been following God. He revealed His plan to me and while I didn’t jump on it right away, I didn’t run from it either. (Satan is the father of confusion.) God did bring me down to Florida, but it was only for a short time period. I thought I was coming down here to go to school and create a new life for myself. God brought me to Florida to prepare me for the future. He needed to remove me from everything (even my own family) so I could become the person He created me to be. Also, I can’t help but wonder if God was using this to show me that I can move and I can handle transitions. Yes, they’re not very fun and easy, but they are manageable, with His help. And while I have not fully evolved (that is something that will take the rest of my life) He has brought the next step before me.

On June 30^th I will be boarding yet another plane and heading back to the beautiful land of Rwanda. God has done an incredible work in my life this past year in both North Carolina and in Florida. Now it is time for me to go back to my family and back to a country I consider to be a home. I could not be more excited. It’s hard to continue to move from place to place, to establish a life only to be uprooted, but it is the life God is asking me to live. There are many possibilities in Rwanda. God will continue to open doors for me because He is the one in the lead. Today. Tomorrow. Next Week. June 30^th. Always.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.” 

A New Feature

Would you like to continue to read my blog without going to the webpage to check and see if I wrote something new or wait for a facebook announcement?

You can now receive my blog in your email! It’s easy to subscribe and easy to unsubscribe. (I won’t know either way!)

Look at the right hand column, next to my posts. You’ll see something that says: “Follow by Email.” Just enter your email in the box and my blog updates will start going directly to your email.

Thank you faithful readers! 

Love

God is showing me what love is. How huge it is. What it entails.

Loving a stranger you meet on the street.

Loving the people you know very well that you are in contact with every day.

Loving unconditionally.

Loving sacrificially.

This love can only come from God.

We, as humans, are not capable of producing this kind of love.

With love comes joy.

As we begin to love others more and more our lives are filled up and eventually we are overflowing with love and joy and ultimately, the Lord.

With love comes pain.

When you love someone wholeheartedly and they die or they reject you or they move away from you, you experience a pain so deep and so heart wrenching.

That is the price of love.

God knows love. God is love. He understands the unfathomable capacity of love.

God knows pain. He knows it better than any of us on this earth. And when we are experiencing heartache we bring it to God and He takes it from us, because we are not capable of dealing with the pain.

Love is not exclusive to humans.

Up until today I had a dog. So sweet, so loyal. I had to give her away. It was a sacrifice I had to make in following the Lord. I love my dog and it was so difficult to drive away from her today. God provided a new home for her, a home where she will be cared for and loved. I’m allowed to feel the pain of losing my dog. And, what’s more, I can bring that pain to the Lord. The God of the universe cares that I, one person, just gave up my dog and it’s hard for me. Sacrifices are not easy, but I love the Lord and I don’t want my dog standing in the way of serving Him. God blessed my sacrifice by providing a new home for her and by providing His comfort for me.

Love is beautiful.

Amazingly, I’m only at the very edge of comprehending love. I’m only at the very edge of comprehending faith and joy and thankfulness and peace and….God. He is revealing Himself to me each day. In little things. In big things. It’s exciting. It’s mind-blowing.

Confessions, Compassion, Confirmations

The problem with being a writer is that you can go for weeks and weeks without producing more than one or two cleverly worded sentences and then all the sudden at 11 o’clock at night, the words start streaming out of you at a nauseating speed and you have no choice but to stay awake and write because if you put it off it will be gone in the morning.

I sit here at my computer in a state of humility. God. His perfectly crafted plan, His relentless love, His unending patience.

It’s all starting to “click” for me. Before it was “Yeah, yeah, God is good. He has many wonderful attributes.” But now I’m completely in awe.

I am learning what it means to “pray continually” (1 Thess. 5:17) I talk to God all the time, and He responds to me. We have conversations; He gives me a word, a single word, to cling to. Or sometimes He gives me a picture to take me to another level of understanding. He reminds me of things and He reveals things to me. These conversations are good, and necessary.

But then…there are times when God comes in and speaks so loudly, so clearly, so firmly, that your only response can be tears and kneeling in front of Him in complete surrender.

This has happened twice in my life. 

First time? November 2012 – Kenya. I was working in a slum on that short term mission’s trip and there was one day when we went deep, deep in to the slum. The rancid, yet beautiful, smells. The disgusting, yet lovely, dirt and filth. I didn’t want to leave. I remember sitting in the bus, driving out of the slum, and feeling enveloped in the Holy Spirit. I was moved. I was changed. I was told something and I heard it loud and clear….but I choose to ignore it.

Jonah.

A couple weeks ago, out of the blue, God called me Jonah. That got my attention. “What did you just call me? I’m not Jonah; Jonah ran from you. Look at me God, I’m right here, an open book, waiting for you to tell me what it is you want me to do.”

And just like that, I was reliving that day in the slum. And then I flipped through the months between then and now and came to the conclusion that I am, in fact, Jonah.

Since this realization, in the past couple weeks, God has repeatedly confirmed it. Comments from friends/family. An event or scenario. Subtle hints. And I was hearing them. But apparently not loud enough.

So, the second time? Just this past Sunday – church bathroom. I felt suffocated yet held so tenderly. There God was. Telling me exactly what to do. I was overcome with His graciousness for allowing me to see my mistakes, with His compassion for me, with His faithfulness to me, with His patience and love. He is God.

I may be human, but I will not be making this mistake twice. (Also, I will not be copying Jonah any longer…I’m back to Grace now.)

And with each passing day He is showering blessing upon blessing after me. Little things for most people, but God knows it’s important to me. Did you catch that? I ran away…and He is still blessing me.

Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore He exalts Himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for Him. For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as He hearts it, He answers. And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide Himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. Then you will defile your carved idols overlaid with silver and your gold-plated images [The stumbling blocks Satan puts before us.] You will scatter them as unclean things. You will say to them, “Be gone!” Isaiah 30:18-22

Since this second encounter with God, He has given me a few words:

1-Time. As a whole, I’m wondering, should I drop everything and run back to where He wants me? Should I wait a while? When, Lord? Then, day-to-day timing is also a factor…when should I do this or that. And to all these questions and contemplations, God simply says “Time.” Surprisingly, I’m not upset with this answer. God is taking care of the time.

2 – Love. What does it mean to love? I mean, really, really love. I’m learning how huge and overwhelming God’s love for me really is. How do I reciprocate that? How can I love complete strangers on the street and feel compelled to help them, but I can’t love people I’m in contact with every single day? Show me what love is. Explain it to me.

3-Preperation. We, as Christians, go to war every single day. Satan thrives on tearing us down. We have to be prepared. I need to be prepared for small, daily things, and I need to be prepared for the big picture. God wants me to spend some time preparing before moving forward.

4-Peace. Amahoro. This is a word God gave me almost two years ago and it still comes up every day. I’m constantly asking Him for His peace. But, I haven’t really felt a sense of peace in a while. I’ve felt like something big was missing. I was trying so, so hard, but not getting anywhere. And now, I finally see what I’ve been missing. I have peace.

I’m thankful for the hardships, for the challenges, for the trials, for the mistakes. They are horrendous and exhausting and humiliating, but without them I would not be where I am today. And I love the place God has me in right now. I can look back and see the disgusting past. I’m learning from it and I’m grateful for it. I’m well aware of my surroundings. Satan with His loaded gun, waiting for the opportune time. And the future, just a glimpse of it, is there giving me hope to continue. And in each of these things is God leading me on to His “good, pleasing, and perfect will.” 

Stress

When the thought of stress stresses you out, there is an issue.

I’ve been unbelievably overwhelmed with stress in the past few weeks. Minor things, seemingly major things, actually major things…it’s all been piling on like a cowboy packs his mule for a long trip.

If you lazily make a stack of 100 books, it will be extremely precarious and most likely fall. But, if someone sees the uneven stack of books and straightens it before they all fall to the floor, then the problem is solved and life can resume. So, in real life, I’m the lazy books stacker and God is the straightener.

I was throwing books (my “things to do”) left and right, stacking up that pile as fast as I could. And it was getting me absolutely nowhere.

In the past few days, several wise women have advised me to only do one thing at a time…because we physically can only do one thing at a time. Do the thing on the list that needs to be done today. Don’t focus on the other 25 items that need to be done tomorrow or by the end of the month or whenever. Do one thing at a time, because you can only do one thing at a time.

Elisabeth Elliot said, “One reason we are so harried and hurried is that we make yesterday and tomorrow our business, when all that legitimately concerns us is today. If we really have too much to do, there are some items on the agenda which God did not put there. Let us submit the list to Him and ask Him to indicate which items we must delete. There is always time to do the will of God. If we are too busy to do that, we are too busy.”

When you become so stressed that the idea of stress stresses you out, you get into a grid-lock. Brain stops functioning properly. Life freezes. (And then you get really stressed, because you are not getting anything done.)

So, today, I probably made one of the best decisions I’ve made in weeks. I decided to take my dog to the beach. I got off of work at 2pm…that’s all afternoon and evening that I had to work on my “to do list”…instead, I took the afternoon off. And now, I’m typing up a blog post, something I’ve been too busy to do. I decided to do two things today that were not on my list, and it’s entirely okay. My list is still there. There are things that need to be done…always, but I have time tomorrow afternoon and the day after that and the day after that. I’m “submitting the list to Him…”

He is working things out for me. I’m getting things checked off my list. I’m feeling like the mule after the trip is over and the cowboy is removing items one at a time.

Something that God keeps reminding me of is how everything here on this earth is temporary. God did not create stress. There will not be stress in heaven. (The list of things that do not exist in heaven goes on for a while, but I’m focusing on the stress part for now.) And I find comfort in that thought.

We throw around the phrase, “God is in control” so blatantly. But, when you actually know the meaning of God being in control and you believe it, you will find such a wonderful assurance and be able to rest in a peace that surpasses all understanding. A peace that can only come from God.

What is the opposite of stress?

Peace. 

Avoiding the Snow

Last Tuesday I stuffed everything I own into my little '96 Honda Accord, including the dog, strapped my bike to the back, and set off for Saint Petersburg, Florida.

It's usually a 12 hour commute from High Point to St. Pete, factoring in the various stops along the way. So, I anticipated arriving around 7:30 that night.

For those of you who do not know, I struggle with directions. And when I say I struggle with directions I mean, "For goodness sake, Grace, can't you go five minutes without turning around!?!" Sadly, I'm not exaggerating.

Example: After about an hour of driving in South Carolina I passed a sign that read "Welcome to North Carolina!"

Sigh.

I ended up spending the night in a hotel in Lake City, Florida because it was getting late and I was feeling just short of exhausted. I drove the remaining three hours on Wednesday morning. By the time I made it to my grandparent's driveway I'm not sure who was more agitated with me, the dog or the car.

But I made it!

The past week has been lovely. St. Pete is a fabulous city. (I think I now understand why my grandparents have spent their entire lives here.) [Side note: In my 19 years, I've lived in over 3 times the number of houses my grandparent's have lived in in their 70 years.]

St. Pete has sidewalks lining the streets to promote walking instead of driving. There are multiple bike trails and dog parks and people parks and shopping centers...so much to do!

Today I indulged in my first Riding the Bike for the Purpose of Transportation to the public library and got myself a library card. It was everything I imagined it would be. It was so much fun and down right cool. (Ironic because I came back sweating.) Riding my bike down the sidewalk I felt both childlike and grown-up at the same time. And then "The New Girl in Town" from Hairspray popped in my head. Watch out people, Grace Gaskill has moved to St. Pete!

My grandparents are a riot. So many shenanigans and fake-outs and unintended adventures...and it's only been a week!

So in a nutshell, I'm loving my new life. So much ahead of me and I have the rest of  my life to explore and learn and experience it all!

Dear Grace,

You’ve finally made it through the seemingly relentless dark and oppressive tunnel. You are on the other side. You are in the light. There may be another tunnel up ahead that you can’t see yet, but stay on this path. Don’t detour because of the possibility of another tunnel.

I’m proud of you. You’ve fought. You’ve conquered. And, you’ve gained experience for the future.

No, your life has not been perfect. You’ve been believing and living lies for far too long. But that has ended. You are now aware of the lies being fed to you, but you are not believing them, and you are no longer living them.

You have learned your weaknesses and the areas where you need to be even more on guard, because the devil is prowling around waiting for you to become unaware so he can devour you. Stand firm. You are strong.

God, in His great mercy, has brought you to the end of yourself. He gave you the opportunity to take off everything that was old and disgusting. And you did. You allowed Him to clean you and renew you and reveal to you what was hiding underneath. And now He has clothed you in beautiful garments.  

Again, in His great mercy, He is now leading you away from the places of heartache and giving you a chance to start over. To apply everything you have learned in this period of dark tunnel dwelling.

As you go away from this place, don’t allow bitterness and anger to rise up in you. The past is very real and Satan would love to remind you of it. But the past is just that…something long gone. However, please never forget the past. Never forget what God brought you through and what He taught you. Remember the past but focus on what lies ahead.

From this day forth you are the new and improved Grace Noelle. The old Grace is gone. You are confident and you have an assurance in Him. You have a lot to offer to this world. Don’t hold back. Be who He made you to be. You are ready.

Sincerely,

The New Grace

Not-So Blank Wall

God has painted my wall in a way I would have never imagined. He has painted in the areas higher than I can reach. He has painted further to the left and the right. For now, I still only see a small portion in comparison to how large this wall really is. But He has painted enough for me to see the next step forward.

God is taking me to St. Petersburg, Florida. All the plans are not laid out in a perfect cookie-cutter way. (The old Grace would have bucked and jumped at the idea of loose ends being untied.) I do know that I’ll be living with my grandparents and going to school. But the rest is up to God. He’ll reveal the rest in His time. While I wait, I’ll continue to explore and discover more of who He made me to be.

I’m excited. I’m grateful. I’m blessed.

And I’m anticipating what lies ahead.