Doubt

The idea of being on Rwandan soil in five days is possibly too much for me to handle. I can’t believe how quickly the time has passed. I’m not saying that in a regretful way, by any means. It passed at just the right pace. And now I’m saying in amazement and appreciation that I’m so glad I’ve almost made it to June 30.

In these past couple weeks I have been beginning to doubt my near-future (the future that’s starting in five days) because I cannot hear God’s voice. It’s definitely an attack from the enemy and it took a very special person on the outside looking in to bring me to my “on-guard” position. I was wondering, “Am I really supposed to be in Rwanda right now? There are so many opportunities for me here in St. Petersburg. [Side Note: In the last couple weeks I have been presented with several great (and tempting) opportunities…none of which are in my “field” of interest…sounds like an attempt at a distraction.] Maybe I didn’t hear God correctly. This is going to be a disaster.” On and on. But the thing is, when my mom tells me to unload the dishwasher she’s going to say, “Grace, can you please unload the dishwasher?” And then she’s going to walk away. In a few hours, she may walk by the dishwasher and see all the dishes still waiting to be put away and then she’d say “Grace, I thought I asked you to unload the dishwasher.” And my response could be, “Oh yeah! I forgot.” Or “Yeah, you did, but I don’t want to.” It’s the same with God. “Grace, go to Rwanda.” And then if I happen to get distracted with something else and get on the wrong path, He’ll come alongside me again and remind me of what He has asked me to do. Imagine if my mom followed me around the house repeatedly asking me to unload the dishwasher until I finally completed the task. That would be annoying. And unnecessary. Because I heard her loud and clear the first time. I shouldn’t need God to follow me around all day continually telling me to go to Rwanda. He already told me…and I’m going!

So, really, at this point, doubting isn’t even an option. My mom tells me to unload the dishwasher. I say okay. I do the job. Then suddenly, “Oh man, should I really have unloaded the dishwasher?” Too late. It’s already done. Move on, foolish girl. I did (or, rather, am doing) what God has asked me to do. Done. Fini. No more consideration.

So, with that being said, I’LL BE IN RWANDA IN FIVE DAYS!!!”

I’m anticipating all of the spectacular things He is going to do with me, through me, for me.

Already, even before arriving, He is showering blessings upon me. The things that I worry about the most are already taken care of. Friends are jumping on board and showing interest and support. For the first time in my life I think I can actually say that I’m leaving well. I’m making sure to do all the “lasts” and receive closure. I’m not afraid to leave. And I’m not afraid to go. I think part of the reason why I’m leaving well is because I existed well. While I was in St. Petersburg, I was in St. Petersburg. I was all here, engaged.

Although a relatively short time period, it was so very important for me. I will look back on these four months with fondness and thanksgiving. There are so many people who have invested in my life here in St. Petersburg, and have therefore contributed to my healing and renewing and strengthening in Christ.

Another chapter is coming to a close…

I have a haunch I’ll need a seat belt for the next one.