Confessions, Compassion, Confirmations

The problem with being a writer is that you can go for weeks and weeks without producing more than one or two cleverly worded sentences and then all the sudden at 11 o’clock at night, the words start streaming out of you at a nauseating speed and you have no choice but to stay awake and write because if you put it off it will be gone in the morning.

I sit here at my computer in a state of humility. God. His perfectly crafted plan, His relentless love, His unending patience.

It’s all starting to “click” for me. Before it was “Yeah, yeah, God is good. He has many wonderful attributes.” But now I’m completely in awe.

I am learning what it means to “pray continually” (1 Thess. 5:17) I talk to God all the time, and He responds to me. We have conversations; He gives me a word, a single word, to cling to. Or sometimes He gives me a picture to take me to another level of understanding. He reminds me of things and He reveals things to me. These conversations are good, and necessary.

But then…there are times when God comes in and speaks so loudly, so clearly, so firmly, that your only response can be tears and kneeling in front of Him in complete surrender.

This has happened twice in my life. 

First time? November 2012 – Kenya. I was working in a slum on that short term mission’s trip and there was one day when we went deep, deep in to the slum. The rancid, yet beautiful, smells. The disgusting, yet lovely, dirt and filth. I didn’t want to leave. I remember sitting in the bus, driving out of the slum, and feeling enveloped in the Holy Spirit. I was moved. I was changed. I was told something and I heard it loud and clear….but I choose to ignore it.

Jonah.

A couple weeks ago, out of the blue, God called me Jonah. That got my attention. “What did you just call me? I’m not Jonah; Jonah ran from you. Look at me God, I’m right here, an open book, waiting for you to tell me what it is you want me to do.”

And just like that, I was reliving that day in the slum. And then I flipped through the months between then and now and came to the conclusion that I am, in fact, Jonah.

Since this realization, in the past couple weeks, God has repeatedly confirmed it. Comments from friends/family. An event or scenario. Subtle hints. And I was hearing them. But apparently not loud enough.

So, the second time? Just this past Sunday – church bathroom. I felt suffocated yet held so tenderly. There God was. Telling me exactly what to do. I was overcome with His graciousness for allowing me to see my mistakes, with His compassion for me, with His faithfulness to me, with His patience and love. He is God.

I may be human, but I will not be making this mistake twice. (Also, I will not be copying Jonah any longer…I’m back to Grace now.)

And with each passing day He is showering blessing upon blessing after me. Little things for most people, but God knows it’s important to me. Did you catch that? I ran away…and He is still blessing me.

Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore He exalts Himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for Him. For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as He hearts it, He answers. And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide Himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. Then you will defile your carved idols overlaid with silver and your gold-plated images [The stumbling blocks Satan puts before us.] You will scatter them as unclean things. You will say to them, “Be gone!” Isaiah 30:18-22

Since this second encounter with God, He has given me a few words:

1-Time. As a whole, I’m wondering, should I drop everything and run back to where He wants me? Should I wait a while? When, Lord? Then, day-to-day timing is also a factor…when should I do this or that. And to all these questions and contemplations, God simply says “Time.” Surprisingly, I’m not upset with this answer. God is taking care of the time.

2 – Love. What does it mean to love? I mean, really, really love. I’m learning how huge and overwhelming God’s love for me really is. How do I reciprocate that? How can I love complete strangers on the street and feel compelled to help them, but I can’t love people I’m in contact with every single day? Show me what love is. Explain it to me.

3-Preperation. We, as Christians, go to war every single day. Satan thrives on tearing us down. We have to be prepared. I need to be prepared for small, daily things, and I need to be prepared for the big picture. God wants me to spend some time preparing before moving forward.

4-Peace. Amahoro. This is a word God gave me almost two years ago and it still comes up every day. I’m constantly asking Him for His peace. But, I haven’t really felt a sense of peace in a while. I’ve felt like something big was missing. I was trying so, so hard, but not getting anywhere. And now, I finally see what I’ve been missing. I have peace.

I’m thankful for the hardships, for the challenges, for the trials, for the mistakes. They are horrendous and exhausting and humiliating, but without them I would not be where I am today. And I love the place God has me in right now. I can look back and see the disgusting past. I’m learning from it and I’m grateful for it. I’m well aware of my surroundings. Satan with His loaded gun, waiting for the opportune time. And the future, just a glimpse of it, is there giving me hope to continue. And in each of these things is God leading me on to His “good, pleasing, and perfect will.”