Speechless

It has been almost a month and a half of me happily existing in Rwanda again. I have been at a loss for words, which would explain the lack of a blog, trying to grasp a feeling to turn around and share with you but God has not given me any words to say. He has kept me silent. I’m always so quick to produce the answer, and I think this time God left me in awe for so long that I wasn’t able to speak.

It is completely impossible for me to describe what it feels like to be back in Rwanda. It’s almost as if I never left, but I did leave and so much happened in my thirteen months away. Everything is so natural and comfortable for me and I think that’s why I’m fooled into believing I never left. I’m thankful I can’t take a full-pressure shower with warm water every day. I’m thankful the power goes out suddenly. I’m thankful for the children who run along the red-brown dirt with filthy hands waving frantically with admiring faces so full of joy. I have effortlessly slipped right back into the language and the culture without even realizing it. And even though I haven’t discovered what the real definition of “home” is, I’m pretty sure Rwanda fits in there somewhere.

I think I’m finally starting to understand what love is and just how much God loves me. I think what I’m feeling here in Rwanda, towards Rwanda, might be what it feels like to be in love. Love is genuine. Love is raw. Love is painful. Love is always present for the good and the bad. Love is being fully engaged to life and those around you.

Something I learned from learning a language is that you aren’t supposed to ask the question “Why?” If you ask “Why?” then you’ll get too caught up in the “behind the scenes” part of the language. When a baby is learning to speak, he repeats what he hears and slowly builds a vocabulary, he doesn’t hear words and then ask why it is that way. I think God wishes it was the same way with our relationship with Him. “God, why do you love me?” Can’t we just accept that this is the way it is without needing to know the ins and outs of His plan?

Besides walking around like a love-struck teenager all day, I’m taking Kinyarwanda lessons and aiming toward fluency. I have learned that I like languages and they seem to come fairly easy to me, albeit I find Kinyarwanda very difficult, but I’m still having fun with it. I’m working with a Rwandan lady who ministers to a special group of children in a nearby slum. I’m dreaming and praying and getting ready to take a step into several different ministries to peer in the window and see if I’m enticed. Orphanages? Slums? Widows? Elementary/middle/high school kids? Art? Music? The options and opportunities are endless, I just need Him to guide and direct my paths. And He will.