Doubt

The idea of being on Rwandan soil in five days is possibly too much for me to handle. I can’t believe how quickly the time has passed. I’m not saying that in a regretful way, by any means. It passed at just the right pace. And now I’m saying in amazement and appreciation that I’m so glad I’ve almost made it to June 30.

In these past couple weeks I have been beginning to doubt my near-future (the future that’s starting in five days) because I cannot hear God’s voice. It’s definitely an attack from the enemy and it took a very special person on the outside looking in to bring me to my “on-guard” position. I was wondering, “Am I really supposed to be in Rwanda right now? There are so many opportunities for me here in St. Petersburg. [Side Note: In the last couple weeks I have been presented with several great (and tempting) opportunities…none of which are in my “field” of interest…sounds like an attempt at a distraction.] Maybe I didn’t hear God correctly. This is going to be a disaster.” On and on. But the thing is, when my mom tells me to unload the dishwasher she’s going to say, “Grace, can you please unload the dishwasher?” And then she’s going to walk away. In a few hours, she may walk by the dishwasher and see all the dishes still waiting to be put away and then she’d say “Grace, I thought I asked you to unload the dishwasher.” And my response could be, “Oh yeah! I forgot.” Or “Yeah, you did, but I don’t want to.” It’s the same with God. “Grace, go to Rwanda.” And then if I happen to get distracted with something else and get on the wrong path, He’ll come alongside me again and remind me of what He has asked me to do. Imagine if my mom followed me around the house repeatedly asking me to unload the dishwasher until I finally completed the task. That would be annoying. And unnecessary. Because I heard her loud and clear the first time. I shouldn’t need God to follow me around all day continually telling me to go to Rwanda. He already told me…and I’m going!

So, really, at this point, doubting isn’t even an option. My mom tells me to unload the dishwasher. I say okay. I do the job. Then suddenly, “Oh man, should I really have unloaded the dishwasher?” Too late. It’s already done. Move on, foolish girl. I did (or, rather, am doing) what God has asked me to do. Done. Fini. No more consideration.

So, with that being said, I’LL BE IN RWANDA IN FIVE DAYS!!!”

I’m anticipating all of the spectacular things He is going to do with me, through me, for me.

Already, even before arriving, He is showering blessings upon me. The things that I worry about the most are already taken care of. Friends are jumping on board and showing interest and support. For the first time in my life I think I can actually say that I’m leaving well. I’m making sure to do all the “lasts” and receive closure. I’m not afraid to leave. And I’m not afraid to go. I think part of the reason why I’m leaving well is because I existed well. While I was in St. Petersburg, I was in St. Petersburg. I was all here, engaged.

Although a relatively short time period, it was so very important for me. I will look back on these four months with fondness and thanksgiving. There are so many people who have invested in my life here in St. Petersburg, and have therefore contributed to my healing and renewing and strengthening in Christ.

Another chapter is coming to a close…

I have a haunch I’ll need a seat belt for the next one.  

Twiddling my Thumbs

Here I sit, waiting as patiently as possible for June 30^th to come around. I don’t have a lot on my plate, I’m just working at Stein Mart. I’m trying to keep myself occupied, but boy, is time passing slowly! “A watched pot never boils.” Oh, truer words were never spoken.  One positive to the endless “free time” is having an opportunity to sit and ponder. I do enjoy pondering.

[Disclaimer: I’m combining several entries written over the last couple weeks into this one post, so you’ll have to excuse the choppy flow. Also, blogger has decided to individually highlight each of my paragraphs...again with the choppy flow.]

The city of St. Petersburg is set up like a grid. Avenues and streets. The lights on 1^st Ave North and 1^st Ave South are timed so that if you go exactly 40mph (not 39, not 41) you will get each one green. Pretty simple and straight forward. Go 40mph, get smooth sailing all the way down the road.

Most people don’t seem to know this. They like to go flying down the road 45mph, or even faster, reasoning that they’ll get to their destination sooner. What they don’t seem to know is going a little slower will actually get them to their destination sooner. Or, maybe they know it and choose to continue on with their own way.

Not only are they messing themselves up, but they also end up robbing me from the pleasure of getting all the lights green. They race around “the slowpoke going 40mph” and get to the red light. Then, as I’m coming to the light, I have all these cars in front of me, slowing me up and preventing me from cruising along.

Walking with God is a lot like this. He makes it pretty clear for us: “Follow me. Trust me. Give your life to me. Then, I will give you life and abundant blessings and all you could ever need.” “Go 40mph and I will give you green lights.” But, for some reason, people seem to think they can figure out a better way to do life, and they race through, trampling His beautiful plan.

Engaged

I used to think the word “engaged” was a special word that could only be used once the proposal was made and accepted. But I’ve discovered that there are actually quite a few definitions of the word:

1-involved in activity

2-greatly interested

3-being in gear

So, what am I engaged to?

You. Everyone. Everything.

It goes along well with Jim Elliot’s quote, “Wherever you are, be all there.”

Example: I’m having lunch with a friend. Therefore, I am engaged to the restaurant, the atmosphere, the friend.

Example: I am living in St. Petersburg, FL…I’m engaged to the city and the people and the life here.

In other words, I’m committed.

I’m engaged to life.

I’m involved in an activity (life).

I’m greatly interested in [it].

I am in gear [with it] (Synced up).

Cool, right?

Being fully devoted to those around you.

Becoming engrossed in the day – the weather, the circumstances, the people.

Some of you might be considering steering clear from me for a while. You had no intention of being engaged to anyone…especially me.

But, seriously, try it. Try being engaged to everyone and everything.

It’s a risk. I’ll tell you right now, heartbreak is a part of the package deal. When you put yourself out there and become fully engaged, you can get burned.

It is possible to be engaged to someone/something without really loving him/her/it for a short period of time. But a long term engagement is going to inevitably lead to love. Genuine love.  You can’t be fully engaged without the attachment of feelings.

But I think it’s worth it. I think the joy that comes with an all-out, no-looking-back, engagement outweighs the deep pain and heartache you may feel on occasion. I think you’ll end up letting life slip by if you choose to hold it loosely and merely observe it from the sidelines.

Steadfast

I think steadfastness is closely related to engagement. The Bible tells us to be steadfast, so what does that look like?

1-Firmly fixed in place

2-Immovable

3-Not subject to change 

4-Firm in belief, determination, or adherence 

5-Loyal

Like all character traits, you can’t just walk into a store and purchase it for a few dollars. It has to be attained over time. I’ve learned that you can’t have certain character traits before learning others. For example, you can’t have true joy unless you’ve known real pain.

James tells us that the testing of our faith produces steadfastness.

Enduring the trial will mold you into a person who is firmly fixed in place, who is immovable, who is not subject to change, who is firm in belief, determination, or adherence, and who is loyal.

Sounds nice to me.

I want to be engaged and steadfast. To life. To you. To Him. I want to be content with going 40mph, remembering the reward of green lights. I want to hold on tightly to life and experience all that He is giving me each day. And I, selfishly, want the pot to come to a boil a little quicker. 

Back to Florida

I’ve just spent the last week in North Carolina visiting my family before their return to Rwanda. It was supposed to be a tearful time of “lasts” because I thought I would be staying in Florida for college and a job, but God has another plan in mind for me and is providing a way for me to join my family once again! So, the trip wasn’t too tearful after all…

Now, the countdown is on: 6 weeks to Rwanda.

But I can’t get ahead of myself.

I feel like a freshly picked avocado. I’ve grown from seed to fruit. The Farmer has decided I am ready to be picked. But, I need to ripen a bit before indulging.

If you try to cut an avocado open before it’s ready, first of all, it’s a struggle, and second of all, it doesn’t taste very good. But if you wait until the prime time, the avocado will fall apart effortlessly and taste delicious.

So, I’ve now moved into the ripening stage.

I’ve been in this “Preparation Process” for the past few weeks. Preparing for Rwanda. Spiritually and emotionally and mentally. (I guess I’m okay in the physical category.) I only have six weeks left of this “Preparation Process” and it makes me a little sad. It’s been a fantastic time. I’ve been reading books like Walking with God by John Eldridge and When Helping Hurts by Steve Corbett and Brian Fikkert and Love Does by Bob Goff. I’ve been reading Jesus Calling and My Utmost for His Highest. All of these insights and ideas of who God is and what He has in mind. God has been speaking to me through these books, but He has gone beyond that and has spoken directly to me. He and I have had such sweet fellowship, walking and talking and growing and learning.

It’s almost as if North Carolina was the climax of my “Preparation Process” and now I get to sit and ripen in His glorious presence. Just marveling and reflecting. And waiting. Waiting for Rwanda. Waiting for Him.

I’m okay with waiting.

God has blessed me beyond any words I could possibly express. Today I was struck by how many ways He has blessed me and I found myself wondering why. Why is He blessing me?

Because I love you.

Sharp intake of air.

For those of you following along with my life, you may know that I don’t understand love. The idea of love. The feeling of love. For some reason, it’s been a hard one for me to grasp.

So, the fact that God is blessing me simply because He loves me is mind boggling.

But, I’ve learned, if you repeat something over and over and over, eventually it sticks. It becomes a habit. A way of life.

So, I’ll continue to repeat, “God is blessing me because He loves me.”

Also, I believe God chooses to bless people who live for Him.

He is all I have. Truly. I’ve reached this point in my life where nothing really matters to me except Jesus. Sure I enjoy material items, because I’m human, and people do matter to me, but He has become my life.

“For you have died and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.” –Colossians 3:3

I will look back on this time – my four months spent in Florida; the last six weeks before Rwanda, and remember it as one of the highlights of my life.

But, I don’t want you to read this and get the impression that God and I have been frolicking through a field of daisies. To really be in a relationship with Jesus, to die and have your life hidden in Christ, to walk in step with Him, takes a lot of work. It’s a daily fight against the Enemy. I have to continually renew my mind and constantly tell myself who my God is and who I am. But, preserving through the day with the Lord, into the arms of the Lord, always brings joy.

I’m abounding in thanksgiving. I thank Him for the easy breezy days and the grueling battle days.

And I can’t wait to taste the ripened avocado. 

Out of Control

God is very artistic. I know He created the world and everything in it, but today I actually stopped to think about it. I was looking at palm trees (Imagine that! Palm trees in Florida.) and was taken by their unique appearance. Nearby were some short, stubby bushes; they had a completely different leaf and size. If God made something as simple as trees to be that diverse imagine how big our God really is. And then another thought popped into my head: Do you think God paints the sky every day? I would like to think so. Each morning He grabs His brush and goes to work. Some days He only paints a beautiful blue shade, other days He decided to add wisps of clouds, and other days He decides to paint a dark and gloomy rain storm. Yeah, I like this thought quite a bit. It’s comforting. And leaves me in awe.

I spend several days, weeks, and even months chewing on a particular word or concept or attribute of God. I never get to a final answer but I come to understand it more as time goes on. God slowly introduces knew words/concepts/attributes. Peace was a theme for a while, and now that it’s a part of my life, God has been able to teach me about love. And now He is bringing the idea of “following Him on a daily basis” alongside this quest for understanding love.

It’s easy to “follow God.” That is very general. Here is my life, as a whole. But what about, “Here is my day, God. What do you want me to do today?” Yikes. That means truly surrendering. Truly losing control. Well, I have to go to work at 11 o’clock today, that’s a given. But what about before work? What about after work? What about during work? Letting Him guide every minute is scary because it means I’m not in control.

The Bible tells us not to worry about tomorrow. Another easy one. I’m not worried about tomorrow. I just think about it all day today. Each day I’m continually thinking about what I’m planning to do tomorrow.

Example: A friend is supposed to bring cookies to a party. She shows up empty handed. I say to her, “Don’t worry about it!” Or… “Don’t think about it!” I want her to come in and forget about the cookies and enjoy the partying that is happening now.

So when Jesus told us to not worry about tomorrow, He was actually telling us to not think about tomorrow. Focus on today. Focus on right now. Focus on what He has given you up to this point.

It’s a challenge, but ultimately it’s freeing.

I had a day off from work today and so I decided to follow God. I opened my eyes, before I even got out of bed, and said, “Okay, Lord. What do you want to do today?” First we went to the beach. I was really expecting Him to speak to me in profound ways, because I was feeling all, “led by the Spirit,” but He was just there. With me. I read my Bible and prayed and He was there. I was a little frustrated at first because I wanted to know why God brought me out to the beach if He wasn’t going to tell me anything, but then as time went on I realized that this was a part of teaching me how to follow Him on a daily/hourly basis. I don’t always need a huge confirmation. He has revealed Himself to me and shown me His character. Isn’t that enough confirmation to trust Him on a daily basis? Do I really need a letter in the mail telling me to go to the beach? Can’t I just do what God says without expecting something great? Because isn’t just being with Him (period) great? Yes.

I needed to call T-Mobile today to get some things straightened out. I was bracing myself for being on hold for an hour, talking to someone who clearly knew nothing about their job and didn’t care about my situation, but I got the complete opposite. I was barely on hold for five minutes. The representative was cheerful and willing to do what needed to be done.

God wants to be a part of our day. He cares that I needed to deal with T-Mobile. He knows that I enjoy being outside, and that I enjoy painting and baking and writing (all things I got to do today).

There is less struggle to make it through the day when God is the one leading. Things flow naturally.

So, if God leads each day, then He leads each week, each month, each year and ultimately your whole life.

I believe I have been following God. He revealed His plan to me and while I didn’t jump on it right away, I didn’t run from it either. (Satan is the father of confusion.) God did bring me down to Florida, but it was only for a short time period. I thought I was coming down here to go to school and create a new life for myself. God brought me to Florida to prepare me for the future. He needed to remove me from everything (even my own family) so I could become the person He created me to be. Also, I can’t help but wonder if God was using this to show me that I can move and I can handle transitions. Yes, they’re not very fun and easy, but they are manageable, with His help. And while I have not fully evolved (that is something that will take the rest of my life) He has brought the next step before me.

On June 30^th I will be boarding yet another plane and heading back to the beautiful land of Rwanda. God has done an incredible work in my life this past year in both North Carolina and in Florida. Now it is time for me to go back to my family and back to a country I consider to be a home. I could not be more excited. It’s hard to continue to move from place to place, to establish a life only to be uprooted, but it is the life God is asking me to live. There are many possibilities in Rwanda. God will continue to open doors for me because He is the one in the lead. Today. Tomorrow. Next Week. June 30^th. Always.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.” 

A New Feature

Would you like to continue to read my blog without going to the webpage to check and see if I wrote something new or wait for a facebook announcement?

You can now receive my blog in your email! It’s easy to subscribe and easy to unsubscribe. (I won’t know either way!)

Look at the right hand column, next to my posts. You’ll see something that says: “Follow by Email.” Just enter your email in the box and my blog updates will start going directly to your email.

Thank you faithful readers! 

Love

God is showing me what love is. How huge it is. What it entails.

Loving a stranger you meet on the street.

Loving the people you know very well that you are in contact with every day.

Loving unconditionally.

Loving sacrificially.

This love can only come from God.

We, as humans, are not capable of producing this kind of love.

With love comes joy.

As we begin to love others more and more our lives are filled up and eventually we are overflowing with love and joy and ultimately, the Lord.

With love comes pain.

When you love someone wholeheartedly and they die or they reject you or they move away from you, you experience a pain so deep and so heart wrenching.

That is the price of love.

God knows love. God is love. He understands the unfathomable capacity of love.

God knows pain. He knows it better than any of us on this earth. And when we are experiencing heartache we bring it to God and He takes it from us, because we are not capable of dealing with the pain.

Love is not exclusive to humans.

Up until today I had a dog. So sweet, so loyal. I had to give her away. It was a sacrifice I had to make in following the Lord. I love my dog and it was so difficult to drive away from her today. God provided a new home for her, a home where she will be cared for and loved. I’m allowed to feel the pain of losing my dog. And, what’s more, I can bring that pain to the Lord. The God of the universe cares that I, one person, just gave up my dog and it’s hard for me. Sacrifices are not easy, but I love the Lord and I don’t want my dog standing in the way of serving Him. God blessed my sacrifice by providing a new home for her and by providing His comfort for me.

Love is beautiful.

Amazingly, I’m only at the very edge of comprehending love. I’m only at the very edge of comprehending faith and joy and thankfulness and peace and….God. He is revealing Himself to me each day. In little things. In big things. It’s exciting. It’s mind-blowing.

Confessions, Compassion, Confirmations

The problem with being a writer is that you can go for weeks and weeks without producing more than one or two cleverly worded sentences and then all the sudden at 11 o’clock at night, the words start streaming out of you at a nauseating speed and you have no choice but to stay awake and write because if you put it off it will be gone in the morning.

I sit here at my computer in a state of humility. God. His perfectly crafted plan, His relentless love, His unending patience.

It’s all starting to “click” for me. Before it was “Yeah, yeah, God is good. He has many wonderful attributes.” But now I’m completely in awe.

I am learning what it means to “pray continually” (1 Thess. 5:17) I talk to God all the time, and He responds to me. We have conversations; He gives me a word, a single word, to cling to. Or sometimes He gives me a picture to take me to another level of understanding. He reminds me of things and He reveals things to me. These conversations are good, and necessary.

But then…there are times when God comes in and speaks so loudly, so clearly, so firmly, that your only response can be tears and kneeling in front of Him in complete surrender.

This has happened twice in my life. 

First time? November 2012 – Kenya. I was working in a slum on that short term mission’s trip and there was one day when we went deep, deep in to the slum. The rancid, yet beautiful, smells. The disgusting, yet lovely, dirt and filth. I didn’t want to leave. I remember sitting in the bus, driving out of the slum, and feeling enveloped in the Holy Spirit. I was moved. I was changed. I was told something and I heard it loud and clear….but I choose to ignore it.

Jonah.

A couple weeks ago, out of the blue, God called me Jonah. That got my attention. “What did you just call me? I’m not Jonah; Jonah ran from you. Look at me God, I’m right here, an open book, waiting for you to tell me what it is you want me to do.”

And just like that, I was reliving that day in the slum. And then I flipped through the months between then and now and came to the conclusion that I am, in fact, Jonah.

Since this realization, in the past couple weeks, God has repeatedly confirmed it. Comments from friends/family. An event or scenario. Subtle hints. And I was hearing them. But apparently not loud enough.

So, the second time? Just this past Sunday – church bathroom. I felt suffocated yet held so tenderly. There God was. Telling me exactly what to do. I was overcome with His graciousness for allowing me to see my mistakes, with His compassion for me, with His faithfulness to me, with His patience and love. He is God.

I may be human, but I will not be making this mistake twice. (Also, I will not be copying Jonah any longer…I’m back to Grace now.)

And with each passing day He is showering blessing upon blessing after me. Little things for most people, but God knows it’s important to me. Did you catch that? I ran away…and He is still blessing me.

Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore He exalts Himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for Him. For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as He hearts it, He answers. And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide Himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. Then you will defile your carved idols overlaid with silver and your gold-plated images [The stumbling blocks Satan puts before us.] You will scatter them as unclean things. You will say to them, “Be gone!” Isaiah 30:18-22

Since this second encounter with God, He has given me a few words:

1-Time. As a whole, I’m wondering, should I drop everything and run back to where He wants me? Should I wait a while? When, Lord? Then, day-to-day timing is also a factor…when should I do this or that. And to all these questions and contemplations, God simply says “Time.” Surprisingly, I’m not upset with this answer. God is taking care of the time.

2 – Love. What does it mean to love? I mean, really, really love. I’m learning how huge and overwhelming God’s love for me really is. How do I reciprocate that? How can I love complete strangers on the street and feel compelled to help them, but I can’t love people I’m in contact with every single day? Show me what love is. Explain it to me.

3-Preperation. We, as Christians, go to war every single day. Satan thrives on tearing us down. We have to be prepared. I need to be prepared for small, daily things, and I need to be prepared for the big picture. God wants me to spend some time preparing before moving forward.

4-Peace. Amahoro. This is a word God gave me almost two years ago and it still comes up every day. I’m constantly asking Him for His peace. But, I haven’t really felt a sense of peace in a while. I’ve felt like something big was missing. I was trying so, so hard, but not getting anywhere. And now, I finally see what I’ve been missing. I have peace.

I’m thankful for the hardships, for the challenges, for the trials, for the mistakes. They are horrendous and exhausting and humiliating, but without them I would not be where I am today. And I love the place God has me in right now. I can look back and see the disgusting past. I’m learning from it and I’m grateful for it. I’m well aware of my surroundings. Satan with His loaded gun, waiting for the opportune time. And the future, just a glimpse of it, is there giving me hope to continue. And in each of these things is God leading me on to His “good, pleasing, and perfect will.”