College is probably one of the scariest things I’ve ever
done. It’s scarier than riding on the back of my dad’s motorcycle through
Kicukiro….yes, it’s that scary.
If I didn’t have Jesus I’d be an absolute basket case right
now. He is the only reason why both my feet hit the ground in the morning, the
reason why I walk through each day with a somehow-smile on my face, and the
reason why I make it into my bed each night.
Culture shock is creeping up on me and attempting to drown me
but the Spirit keeps whispering, Fix your
eyes on Jesus. Fix your eyes on Jesus. Stress, fear, longings, and
anxiety creep in but the Spirit keeps whispering, Fix your eyes on Jesus.
I’ve been struggling with worship ever since leaving Rwanda.
My heart isn’t in it. Everyone around me has their arms lifted and they are
singing loudly and I’m reading the words but my heart can’t sing. I don’t get
this American style of worship anymore.
It feels like there is an expectation or demand for this
fancy spiritual life. Who can sing louder, who can close their eyes tighter, who
can pray longer, etc. It feels like our relationship with God is measured by
others.
After reflecting on this for a while, I think it’s important
to not stray too far from the gospel. We (I) know the gospel forward and
backward, but then we (I) tend to move on from it and focus on other aspects of
Him, which is good, but it’s crowding out the gospel. The God of all creation
loves me so much that He sent His only Son to rescue me so that I could live
forever with Him. Period.
Ah, it’s like a breath of fresh air. Yes, the gospel. Sweet,
simple, beautiful.
I know that we’re all at different places in our walk with
the Lord and so I’m not about to judge anyone for the way he or she is worshiping
or the place where they currently are with God. I think though that for me, He
is wanting me to just live in the truth of the gospel.
Another thing that I’ve been struggling with is time. The
word makes me cringe. I show up to class “on time” and the room is already full
and I have to excuse myself as I climb over people and make my way to the back
of the room. This morning church started six minutes early. I’m American, for goodness sake, I was that one in Rwanda that
was showing up to things 30 minutes late, on purpose, so that I could be on
time and I was still early. And I guess it rubbed off on me because now I can’t
seem to be on time for anything.
There are still beautiful gifts from God all around me.
Subtle reminders of His love for me and His presence in my life. Today the
weather is beautiful. I haven’t experienced whether this wonderful since
leaving Rwanda. And I think that God gave me this weather because He loves me
and He knows I need it.
I’m going to make it. I’m going to run through this race (of
college) with my eyes fixed on Jesus. The road will be rough. It will be dark.
(Can we all imagine an unlit, African dirt road and smile because (1) I love
those roads so much and (2) that is exactly the kinds of road He has me
traveling on right now. Ah, the irony. He brought me to the land of smooth,
paved roads so that we could walk on dirt ones.) I can’t promise positive,
funny, and encouraging blog posts every day. All I can do is cling to His
promises and keep my eyes fixed on Him.
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