Out of Control

God is very artistic. I know He created the world and everything in it, but today I actually stopped to think about it. I was looking at palm trees (Imagine that! Palm trees in Florida.) and was taken by their unique appearance. Nearby were some short, stubby bushes; they had a completely different leaf and size. If God made something as simple as trees to be that diverse imagine how big our God really is. And then another thought popped into my head: Do you think God paints the sky every day? I would like to think so. Each morning He grabs His brush and goes to work. Some days He only paints a beautiful blue shade, other days He decided to add wisps of clouds, and other days He decides to paint a dark and gloomy rain storm. Yeah, I like this thought quite a bit. It’s comforting. And leaves me in awe.

I spend several days, weeks, and even months chewing on a particular word or concept or attribute of God. I never get to a final answer but I come to understand it more as time goes on. God slowly introduces knew words/concepts/attributes. Peace was a theme for a while, and now that it’s a part of my life, God has been able to teach me about love. And now He is bringing the idea of “following Him on a daily basis” alongside this quest for understanding love.

It’s easy to “follow God.” That is very general. Here is my life, as a whole. But what about, “Here is my day, God. What do you want me to do today?” Yikes. That means truly surrendering. Truly losing control. Well, I have to go to work at 11 o’clock today, that’s a given. But what about before work? What about after work? What about during work? Letting Him guide every minute is scary because it means I’m not in control.

The Bible tells us not to worry about tomorrow. Another easy one. I’m not worried about tomorrow. I just think about it all day today. Each day I’m continually thinking about what I’m planning to do tomorrow.

Example: A friend is supposed to bring cookies to a party. She shows up empty handed. I say to her, “Don’t worry about it!” Or… “Don’t think about it!” I want her to come in and forget about the cookies and enjoy the partying that is happening now.

So when Jesus told us to not worry about tomorrow, He was actually telling us to not think about tomorrow. Focus on today. Focus on right now. Focus on what He has given you up to this point.

It’s a challenge, but ultimately it’s freeing.

I had a day off from work today and so I decided to follow God. I opened my eyes, before I even got out of bed, and said, “Okay, Lord. What do you want to do today?” First we went to the beach. I was really expecting Him to speak to me in profound ways, because I was feeling all, “led by the Spirit,” but He was just there. With me. I read my Bible and prayed and He was there. I was a little frustrated at first because I wanted to know why God brought me out to the beach if He wasn’t going to tell me anything, but then as time went on I realized that this was a part of teaching me how to follow Him on a daily/hourly basis. I don’t always need a huge confirmation. He has revealed Himself to me and shown me His character. Isn’t that enough confirmation to trust Him on a daily basis? Do I really need a letter in the mail telling me to go to the beach? Can’t I just do what God says without expecting something great? Because isn’t just being with Him (period) great? Yes.

I needed to call T-Mobile today to get some things straightened out. I was bracing myself for being on hold for an hour, talking to someone who clearly knew nothing about their job and didn’t care about my situation, but I got the complete opposite. I was barely on hold for five minutes. The representative was cheerful and willing to do what needed to be done.

God wants to be a part of our day. He cares that I needed to deal with T-Mobile. He knows that I enjoy being outside, and that I enjoy painting and baking and writing (all things I got to do today).

There is less struggle to make it through the day when God is the one leading. Things flow naturally.

So, if God leads each day, then He leads each week, each month, each year and ultimately your whole life.

I believe I have been following God. He revealed His plan to me and while I didn’t jump on it right away, I didn’t run from it either. (Satan is the father of confusion.) God did bring me down to Florida, but it was only for a short time period. I thought I was coming down here to go to school and create a new life for myself. God brought me to Florida to prepare me for the future. He needed to remove me from everything (even my own family) so I could become the person He created me to be. Also, I can’t help but wonder if God was using this to show me that I can move and I can handle transitions. Yes, they’re not very fun and easy, but they are manageable, with His help. And while I have not fully evolved (that is something that will take the rest of my life) He has brought the next step before me.

On June 30^th I will be boarding yet another plane and heading back to the beautiful land of Rwanda. God has done an incredible work in my life this past year in both North Carolina and in Florida. Now it is time for me to go back to my family and back to a country I consider to be a home. I could not be more excited. It’s hard to continue to move from place to place, to establish a life only to be uprooted, but it is the life God is asking me to live. There are many possibilities in Rwanda. God will continue to open doors for me because He is the one in the lead. Today. Tomorrow. Next Week. June 30^th. Always.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.” 

A New Feature

Would you like to continue to read my blog without going to the webpage to check and see if I wrote something new or wait for a facebook announcement?

You can now receive my blog in your email! It’s easy to subscribe and easy to unsubscribe. (I won’t know either way!)

Look at the right hand column, next to my posts. You’ll see something that says: “Follow by Email.” Just enter your email in the box and my blog updates will start going directly to your email.

Thank you faithful readers! 

Love

God is showing me what love is. How huge it is. What it entails.

Loving a stranger you meet on the street.

Loving the people you know very well that you are in contact with every day.

Loving unconditionally.

Loving sacrificially.

This love can only come from God.

We, as humans, are not capable of producing this kind of love.

With love comes joy.

As we begin to love others more and more our lives are filled up and eventually we are overflowing with love and joy and ultimately, the Lord.

With love comes pain.

When you love someone wholeheartedly and they die or they reject you or they move away from you, you experience a pain so deep and so heart wrenching.

That is the price of love.

God knows love. God is love. He understands the unfathomable capacity of love.

God knows pain. He knows it better than any of us on this earth. And when we are experiencing heartache we bring it to God and He takes it from us, because we are not capable of dealing with the pain.

Love is not exclusive to humans.

Up until today I had a dog. So sweet, so loyal. I had to give her away. It was a sacrifice I had to make in following the Lord. I love my dog and it was so difficult to drive away from her today. God provided a new home for her, a home where she will be cared for and loved. I’m allowed to feel the pain of losing my dog. And, what’s more, I can bring that pain to the Lord. The God of the universe cares that I, one person, just gave up my dog and it’s hard for me. Sacrifices are not easy, but I love the Lord and I don’t want my dog standing in the way of serving Him. God blessed my sacrifice by providing a new home for her and by providing His comfort for me.

Love is beautiful.

Amazingly, I’m only at the very edge of comprehending love. I’m only at the very edge of comprehending faith and joy and thankfulness and peace and….God. He is revealing Himself to me each day. In little things. In big things. It’s exciting. It’s mind-blowing.

Confessions, Compassion, Confirmations

The problem with being a writer is that you can go for weeks and weeks without producing more than one or two cleverly worded sentences and then all the sudden at 11 o’clock at night, the words start streaming out of you at a nauseating speed and you have no choice but to stay awake and write because if you put it off it will be gone in the morning.

I sit here at my computer in a state of humility. God. His perfectly crafted plan, His relentless love, His unending patience.

It’s all starting to “click” for me. Before it was “Yeah, yeah, God is good. He has many wonderful attributes.” But now I’m completely in awe.

I am learning what it means to “pray continually” (1 Thess. 5:17) I talk to God all the time, and He responds to me. We have conversations; He gives me a word, a single word, to cling to. Or sometimes He gives me a picture to take me to another level of understanding. He reminds me of things and He reveals things to me. These conversations are good, and necessary.

But then…there are times when God comes in and speaks so loudly, so clearly, so firmly, that your only response can be tears and kneeling in front of Him in complete surrender.

This has happened twice in my life. 

First time? November 2012 – Kenya. I was working in a slum on that short term mission’s trip and there was one day when we went deep, deep in to the slum. The rancid, yet beautiful, smells. The disgusting, yet lovely, dirt and filth. I didn’t want to leave. I remember sitting in the bus, driving out of the slum, and feeling enveloped in the Holy Spirit. I was moved. I was changed. I was told something and I heard it loud and clear….but I choose to ignore it.

Jonah.

A couple weeks ago, out of the blue, God called me Jonah. That got my attention. “What did you just call me? I’m not Jonah; Jonah ran from you. Look at me God, I’m right here, an open book, waiting for you to tell me what it is you want me to do.”

And just like that, I was reliving that day in the slum. And then I flipped through the months between then and now and came to the conclusion that I am, in fact, Jonah.

Since this realization, in the past couple weeks, God has repeatedly confirmed it. Comments from friends/family. An event or scenario. Subtle hints. And I was hearing them. But apparently not loud enough.

So, the second time? Just this past Sunday – church bathroom. I felt suffocated yet held so tenderly. There God was. Telling me exactly what to do. I was overcome with His graciousness for allowing me to see my mistakes, with His compassion for me, with His faithfulness to me, with His patience and love. He is God.

I may be human, but I will not be making this mistake twice. (Also, I will not be copying Jonah any longer…I’m back to Grace now.)

And with each passing day He is showering blessing upon blessing after me. Little things for most people, but God knows it’s important to me. Did you catch that? I ran away…and He is still blessing me.

Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore He exalts Himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for Him. For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as He hearts it, He answers. And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide Himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. Then you will defile your carved idols overlaid with silver and your gold-plated images [The stumbling blocks Satan puts before us.] You will scatter them as unclean things. You will say to them, “Be gone!” Isaiah 30:18-22

Since this second encounter with God, He has given me a few words:

1-Time. As a whole, I’m wondering, should I drop everything and run back to where He wants me? Should I wait a while? When, Lord? Then, day-to-day timing is also a factor…when should I do this or that. And to all these questions and contemplations, God simply says “Time.” Surprisingly, I’m not upset with this answer. God is taking care of the time.

2 – Love. What does it mean to love? I mean, really, really love. I’m learning how huge and overwhelming God’s love for me really is. How do I reciprocate that? How can I love complete strangers on the street and feel compelled to help them, but I can’t love people I’m in contact with every single day? Show me what love is. Explain it to me.

3-Preperation. We, as Christians, go to war every single day. Satan thrives on tearing us down. We have to be prepared. I need to be prepared for small, daily things, and I need to be prepared for the big picture. God wants me to spend some time preparing before moving forward.

4-Peace. Amahoro. This is a word God gave me almost two years ago and it still comes up every day. I’m constantly asking Him for His peace. But, I haven’t really felt a sense of peace in a while. I’ve felt like something big was missing. I was trying so, so hard, but not getting anywhere. And now, I finally see what I’ve been missing. I have peace.

I’m thankful for the hardships, for the challenges, for the trials, for the mistakes. They are horrendous and exhausting and humiliating, but without them I would not be where I am today. And I love the place God has me in right now. I can look back and see the disgusting past. I’m learning from it and I’m grateful for it. I’m well aware of my surroundings. Satan with His loaded gun, waiting for the opportune time. And the future, just a glimpse of it, is there giving me hope to continue. And in each of these things is God leading me on to His “good, pleasing, and perfect will.”