A Blank Wall

Nobody likes a blank wall. Blank walls are boring. Blank walls are nothing.

Except…

A blank wall can be turned in to anything. A blank wall is waiting for the artist to come in and turn it in to something beautiful and unique.

A blank wall doesn’t have to stay a blank wall.

It can become something great.

What if we all start out as blank walls… we pick up the paintbrush and begin to add colors here and there, designing the wall the way we want it to look.

Keep in mind that behind all the bright colors there is nothing. It’s just a blank wall.

But we keep painting. And somewhere in our childlike minds we think that maybe if we pick the right colors and paint the right shapes, we’ll be able to make our wall so interesting and wonderful that people will stand in awe, just soaking in the glorious painting we created.

But, alas, no, that is not the way it works.

Do you remember when you were little and your mom sat you down at the table and gave you the paper and the finger paints? And you didn’t understand that the more colors you used, the more brown the paper became. And the messier your hands became. And then you got to the point where you looked at your mom and held up your hands and said “I’m done” with a slightly disgusted look on your face.

That, is a little closer to the way it works.

So, the more painting and striving we do, the more brown our wall becomes. In fact, a blank wall becomes almost appealing.

We hold up our hands in surrender and say “I’m done” with a slightly disgusted look on our face.

Then God comes in and lovingly wipes are hands clean. And covers our horrifying wall in a coat of fresh white paint.

And we are left standing in front of the wall, tempted to start painting again. Because blank walls are not only boring, they’re also vulnerable.

God picks up His paintbrush and slowly, oh so slowly, begins to paint. After staring at it for hours you still cannot guess what He could possibly be painting.

And you get tired of waiting, so you sneak over to the corner and begin to paint a little, just on the edge of the wall. 

But you quickly get carried away and before you know it you’ve painted half the wall again.

What you didn’t realize is that while you were painting away, God was coming behind you with the white paint.

Every time you attempted to paint, God erased it.

Every time you started to plan your life the way you wanted it to go, God erased it.

Not out of spite. Not with the intention of making you miserable.

Out of love.

Because He can see further down the road then we can. And He knows what is best for us.

So, really, there is nothing left for us to do but sit in front of the blank wall and wait.

Wait for the Master to create a masterpiece.

And so, if we are blank walls, doesn’t that mean that we, eventually, will be a masterpiece?

Achieving Happiness

“For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin – real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one. Happiness is a journey not a destination.” 

Not sure who Alfred D. Souza is, but the quote is applicable to my life, so I’m using it.

I’m very goal driven. I have a task at hand, I work until it’s complete, and then I close it and move on to the next thing. Over and over and over.

So, lately, my task has been to achieve “happiness”….to achieve success, perfection, the ideal life, etc. etc. It’s my task, and I’ve been working hard to reach the ending point of finding positive emotions (i.e. happiness). And now I laugh, because that sounds so silly. Souza is absolutely right. Happiness is not a destination. Happiness is an emotion that comes on the way to the destination. And what is the destination? Well…that’s still to be determined. The church-girl answer would be “Jesus.” The old-Grace answer would be, “Perfection.” And while I believe both answers are correct, I think I need to travel the road a little more before I discover the actual destination.

Or maybe there isn’t a destination. Maybe my life will be this journey. And my destination is death. Isn’t that sort of the point? I go through life, enduring trials, with patience and joy, until Jesus calls me home. (A rough synopsis. I realize there is so much more to life, but life ultimately leads to death, no?) 

And also, if happiness is a journey, doesn’t that mean that disappointment, frustration, and anger are also a journey. It’s just that people don’t strive to attain disappointment. No one wants to focus on the bad. Only the good. But the bad aspects are just as much a part of the journey as the good aspects.

And what happens when you are on this journey, and you’re experiencing happiness and you’re thinking that your bent-out-of-shape life is finally taking a recognizable shape again, and then, it springs back out of shape because the people you were relying on didn’t hold up their end of the deal or didn’t believe in you. Then what?

This would be the hard part of the journey. And I think this is where we begin to think that happiness is a destination. Because, surely, feeling disappointment isn’t the final product. It must be the opposite of disappointment. Therefore, happiness. And thus, we conclude with happiness being the end goal.

Enough with the rambling.

It’s a journey. Life is. Positive and negative. Uphills and downhills. Joys and struggles. Embrace it all, because “time waits for no one.”

Changes

Have you ever noticed how trees don’t freak out when it’s time to change seasons? In the fall, the trees accept that their leaves will change colors. As we go deeper into the season and shift to winter, the trees let go of their leaves without defiance, even though it means unbecoming nakedness and vulnerability for the trees themselves. Perhaps trees hope in the knowledge of spring and regrowth, and that is why they release their leaves so easily. And perhaps spring is the blessing for being faithful. The trees experience renewal and growth throughout the spring and into the summer, as their leaves bud and blossom. But before they know it, it’s time to let go of their leaves (their beauty, their identity) again.

Or, think about the way trees react to wind: When the wind blows, the trees allow their leaves to rustle. And when the wind gets really strong and their branches are swaying back and forth, almost to the point of snapping, they remain calm. Their roots are firmly planted. Trees don’t get all up in arms when the wind blows.

Maybe trees are a parallel for how we should live our lives. Accepting change as part of the process. Trusting that even though things don’t look too good at the present moment, God will work things out and make us whole and beautiful again. We must keep our roots firmly planted. And not hold on to God’s gifts too tightly, because they can be taken away at any moment. Our identity should reflect Christ, not the leaves we wear so proudly.

“...that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.” Isaiah 61:3b

 In the changes and in the wind, God is working. And as He is working, our roots are getting deeper and stronger. Eventually we will grow into “oaks of righteousness.” Beautiful, strong trees. For the Lord.

But, I struggle with change. Who doesn’t? Yes, there are those of us out there that thrive on change and get restless when they are in one place for too long, but that is not true for me.

However, I do like to liven things up every once and a while. I don’t order the same thing at the restaurants I frequent and don’t like to park in the same parking spot. And I even enjoy changing my clothes.

I’ve learned it’s not necessarily change itself that I have a problem with. It’s the transition. Going through the change. Feeling comfortable before the change and freaking out while I’m trying to figure out how to settle into life after the change.

I’m learning that change is healthy. It’s a necessary part of life. If the trees didn’t go with the flow and accept the change, think how strange that would be! We wouldn’t have seasons! If trees crumbled at the faintest breeze, we would laugh, wouldn’t we? When wind (change) comes our way it is an opportunity to develop stronger roots and enjoy the ride.

I’ve been through a lot of change in the past six months. Actually, I’ve been through a lot of change in the past two and a half years. Change that I didn’t know how to handle because my roots were but thin little twigs.

In all of these months of too-much-change-not-handled-well, my roots have started to spread deeper in to the ground. And change is still coming at me. The wind is blowing. The seasons are changing. It’s time to rid myself of the old and embrace the new. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.

Don’t we all go through a time in our life where we have to discover who we really are? Who we want to be, where we want to go? For some people, this process is more intense and difficult than others. But we all have to search and make decisions for ourselves and about ourselves. So it’s not like my story is all that strange and unheard of. Everyone has gone through this time of self-discovery. God just threw a couple extra twists and sped the wind up a little more for me. But I’m grateful He did, because it means that my roots are getting stronger and I’m slowly becoming an oak of righteousness. And in time, I’ll be ready for the wind to blow and the seasons to change.

His Knowledge. My Knowledge. My Belief.

Jesus knows firsthand what it feels like to be rejected.

Whoa.

Realization and wonder collide in my head.

Not only that, but He knows firsthand every feeling we have ever experienced.

It’s not like I’ve never heard this message before. I know this message forward and backward. But it hadn’t really “clicked” until today. 

Driving down the road. Singing.

Boom.

“You think you know what it feels like to be rejected, Grace? You will never experience rejection to the magnitude I experienced it.”

Stunned silence.

“You think you know what emotional pain feels like? You think you know all about the hardships and challenges of life? Oh, my child, I created those feelings and emotions. The good and the bad. I experienced every one of them. I know exactly how you feel.”

More stunned silence but this time with tears.

My problems are miniscule in light of what Jesus went through. It light of what others are going through. In light of eternity.

So I must embrace the challenges and trials and press on with gratitude. Because if Jesus hadn’t pressed on…well, let’s not go there.

Life is hard. But Jesus gets it.

And I realize some people might read this and think it’s a load of hogwash.

Others might read this and already know all of this in their head but not know any of it in their heart.

That was me. Until today.

God is slowly turning all of the knowledge stuck in my head into actual belief planted in my heart.

And for that, I am grateful.

Fine Arts In All Its Forms

I never considered myself to be much of an artist. As in, “a person who creates art: a person who is skilled at drawing, painting, etc.” Thank you Mr. Webster for that precise definition. I held a keen interest for the “fine arts” but believed that my avenue led to music. For years I studied it religiously, learning all I could about the fundamentals, the theory, the composers, the instruments. I was fascinated with it. Like a mathematician completing a longer-than-necessary problem, I believed my true niche was found in music.

Well, things change. Do they not? People grow, people experiment, and people learn that their interests either expand further in the direction they were heading, or they (people) take the nearest exit and transfer to a new highway.

At first, when the Cloud of Uncertainty gave way and the Rain of Doubt poured down on me, I took the first exit and high-tailed it off that interstate. But then I got into a horrible car wreck in terms of emotions. And I did not drive on any avenue, dirt road, or highway for quite some time.

But then my body healed from the “brutal accident." And my car was "repaired" and begging me to take a ride.  

So I did.

And in this ride that I’ve been on since my “car accident”, I have discovered so much about myself. And I’m exploring my previous interests and discovering that they are, in fact, expanding further in the direction they were heading.  

I like art. In all its forms. Music. Theatre. Dance. Art. Photography. Poetry. Prose. (Does blogging count? Kidding.)

It turns out that music is not the only road I have to travel on. I’m allowed to explore the whole neighborhood.

My favorite part about this “fine arts neighborhood” I’m currently residing in, is the freedom I have to create whatever my heart wants to create. I’m in charge here. There are no rules. If you don’t want to capitalize or use correct punctuation in your poem (e.e. cummings) then go for it. If you want to compose a completely bombastic, cutting-edge piece of music (Hector Berlioz) then be my guest.

Art is expression. Art is a mere whisper of the heart screaming at the top of its lungs.

 Listen. Feel. Observe. Reflect. Express. Create. 

North Carolina in the Fall

Doesn’t this time of year make you want to go outside and take pictures of every tree in sight? Fall is definitely something I took for granted before moving to Rwanda. This time of year is gorgeous. The cooler temperatures, the cloudless “Carolina-blue” sky, the color-changing trees, the leaves swirling on the road as a car whizzes by…it’s all so lovely.

Something Joe Fox (Tom Hanks) said in You’ve Got Mail comes to mind: “Don't you love New York in the fall? It makes me wanna buy school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address.”

A bouquet of newly sharpened pencils. Trees changing color. Leaves swirling to the ground. It truly is “the simple things in life” that bring a smile to our faces.

Every now and then the artistic part of my artist personality comes out and I get the urge to create. I started by taking pictures of various leaves scattered about the yard…

 

And then I got really into it and painted a “pinky-print” tree…

I painted the tree with a brush and then used my pinky for the leaves.
And, no, this is not a Pintrest idea. 

 I used the leaves I had earlier collected and made a collage of sorts, but didn’t like the finished product, so I stripped the canvas and created this instead…

Like the leaves that are sent flying by a passing car, my life continues to chaotically fly around while a “car” drives by and then settle for a few moments, only to erupt into the mad swirling when the next “car” comes along. But, in time, the dead leaves will disappear and before I know it, I’ll begin to see new buds and growth on the trees…on my tree. 

Eclectic Thoughts

If I could play a song for you rather than surmise a post, I would. Which song would I play? Clair Matin by Paul JeanJean. It’s perfectly sweet and French and summarizes exactly how I’m feeling at the moment.

On that note (pun intended), today I assembled my clarinet and went so far as to play it! After nearly two months of silence, the reunion between musician and instrument was long overdue. Yes, I played Clair Matin, and it was as if my very self leapt out of my body and stood directly across from me and gently reminded me of who I am.

Ladies and Gentleman, I’m a performer. There’s no getting around it. Give me an audience and I’ll give you a show. Any day, anytime. I have been performing on various levels throughout my whole life.

The problem is, somewhere along the way, I forgot the difference between acting/performing at the appropriate time and acting/performing all day long, even when it wasn’t necessary. So, a façade was created and before I knew it I was locked into this performing contract that I know I didn’t sign.

I just recently discovered this about myself; that I didn’t know when to perform and when not to perform and suddenly my life came to a screeching halt. I began questioning everything I had known. What is true about me and what is merely the performance? Was I doing that just to maintain a good show or was I doing that because it was genuinely me?

Amidst all the questioning, the performer in me began to shrivel up and slowly die like a neglected flower.

And then my counselor asked me to think about the times in my life when I’ve felt most alive.  And the answer came to me so “matter of factly”: When I’m on the stage. Theatre. Recitals. Opportunities to be in front of people and perform. That is when I feel most alive.

So, I pulled my clarinet out of its case and played. And I was reminded of who I was. Who I am.

I want to explore this passion inside of me. This passion that has turned to embers. And I hope, in time, the embers will turn into a fire.

I want to perform. But more than that, I want to learn to distinguish “real life” from “performance life.” In performance life the show must always go on. And I’ve discovered that that statement doesn’t necessarily apply to real life. Sometimes in real life, the puzzle pieces end up scattered in a pile of mulch and you are forced to sort through them and determine which pieces fit your puzzle and which pieces must to be thrown out.

So that’s where I’m at right now. Sorting my puzzle pieces. Drinking poorly made African Tea on a beautiful fall day. Remembering who I was. Wondering who I will be. And feeling thankful. 

What is Grace Anyways?

Perhaps my blog name is more creative than I realized.

Ironically, it turns out that Grace needs grace. Of course, I've known that all along, but in these last few weeks that statement becomes truer and truer. 

Let's start with this: What is grace? Grace is God's gift(s) to us. It comes in many different forms. It can be a second chance, it can be a break, it can be beauty in nature. Grace can also come in the form of heartache because God can and will redeem everything for His glory. 

I've been searching for grace. Searching for joy. Searching for the key to living the best possible life.

In November 2011 God told me that His will for me was to "be joyful always, pray continually, and give thanks in all circumstances" (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18). In the past few weeks God has been stirring that will inside of me and redefining it. I've discovered that in order to always be joyful, I have to start with giving thanks. Searching every single day for little things (and big things) that I am thankful for, brings me joy and then by experiencing that joy I turn around and give thanks to God. I'm still working on the praying continually part, but it's coming. 

I have been out of Africa for exactly 51 days. 51 long days. If I'm going to be honest with all of you who are sitting in front of your computer reading this post, I would have to say that my transition out of Africa and in to America has been far from easy. These 51 days have left me feeling drained. And left me searching. 

Searching for grace (Grace). Searching for joy. Searching for the key to living the best possible life. 

I usually try to get all my ducks in a row before I write a blog post, so that things flow smoothly and people leave the webpage feeling happy and refreshed. Actually, in general, I try to keep all my ducks in a row because I've found that life works best that way. But right now my ducks are scattered all around the pond. Normally, I would apologize for the scattering but I'm learning that sometimes "it's okay to not be okay." And, in order to keep my ducks in a row most of the time I have to stop being so concerned about everyone else's ducks and pay attention to my own. 

But with that being said, I must pose another question: Is there a such thing as over-serving? Can someone serve others so much that they neglect their own self? Is it a bad thing? Paul tells us to "not think of ourselves more highly than we ought" (Romans 12:3) and to "honor one another above ourselves" (Romans 12:10) and to be "like the scum of the world" (1 Corinthians 4:13) and be "all things to all people" (1 Corinthians 9:22). So then, how can we consider ourselves when we have been called to live like Jesus, a life of servant-hood?

All these things are rattling around in my brain and begging to be answered. And because I don't have the answers, my conclusion is lacking. But maybe it's okay to not have a solid conclusion because I haven't reached one yet...

-to be continued- 

This is it!

Well I did it. Last night I graduated from Kigali International Community School with Honors! It was a proud and rewarding night. Along with my diploma and the Academic Excellence of Honors Award, I also received the Character Award. I loved looking out and seeing my band on the right side and my friends and family scattered throughout on the left side. I am a high school graduate.

Let’s back up…it’s not like I suddenly walked up on stage and was handed a diploma. It was a process. An eighteen year process. Don’t worry; I’m not backing up that far. Let’s just review that past month or so…

We had our final band concert on Thursday May 16. And when I say “final band concert” I’m not referring to the “last concert of the year.” It was not only my final band concert, as a high school senior, but it was also my family’s final band concert at KICS.  Despite the sad emotions of the night, it was truly excellent. We played everything to the best of our ability and I had an opportunity to openly express my love for my fellow band members. It was a great note to end on (pun intended). 

The very next day (May 17) I took a bus to Gisenyi to join the rest of the seniors. (There are five of us total.) The trip took place Thursday through Saturday but I refused to miss the final band concert and so I went a day late. We enjoyed a relaxing time on the beach and shared many laughs over conversations and games. It was a great last weekend of being a high schooler!

Backing up a little further…The KICS Band Tour took place May 2-5. Those of you who have been faithfully reading my blog for more than a year may recall last year’s tour. This year’s tour followed a similar format. On Thursday May 2 we played for local schools in Kigali. On Friday we played for a school in the city and then we continued the tour by traveling about two hours north to a town called Musanze and played for yet another school.  It was new and exciting each time we played. Not only was the location different each time, but the audience was also different and unaccustomed to the music we played.  On the way back from Musanze we encountered a landslide. The bus went off the road to go around the fallen tree and got stuck in the mud. The bus quickly became successfully tilted to the right side and the band members were going crazy. We all exited the bus and stood in dark (and the rain!) for an hour and a half while several men (including my dad) attempted to remove the bus from the mud. After long minutes of huddling together to stay warm and many trips of pairs into the dark bushes to use the bathroom, the bus was finally free and we were on our way to Kigali again! It wouldn’t have been a true band-tour without an eventful story like that, now would it? We concluded our tour on Sunday by playing at a church in Kigali and having a picnic on their grounds after the service. The band certainly bonded and overall it was a very fun weekend.

Kigali’s very first movie theatre opened a few weeks ago.  Four different theatres complete with overpriced popcorn and drinks. They even have a 3D and 5D room! This is a big deal for Kigali…definitely blog-worthy material. I saw Iron Man 3 with some friends, and no I had not seen the previous two, but going to the new theatre was such a big deal that I didn’t mind being a bit lost when it came to the plot.

In this last month of school, I have been slowly checking off my classes. First it was my online history class, then a couple weeks later it was AP Lit, a few days later it was Chemistry. (By this point I had more free periods then I person should be allowed to have.) I followed this pattern until I took my last final exam on May 22^nd. A different benefit to being a senior – have you worked hard? Well then, you get to finish early!

Even though the past month has been peaceful and slowly winding down in the academic sense, it has also been an emotional roller coaster which has not always presented me at my finest. If you can recall my last blog (I know, I put so much time in between posts that it makes you feel like you have a challenged brain if you can’t remember that far back) we took a wonderful vacation to Queen Elizabeth Park in Uganda. We (my family) recovered from the first half of the second semester and stored up our energy, like a squirrel stores up acorns, for the remaining weeks. And then something happened. Maybe I got a bit too excited and ate all my acorns in one day.  All I know is that my energy I had supposedly stored up depleted faster than a hot air balloon.  Yes, I will admit, part of this alarming loss of energy/motivation is due to being a second semester senior.  But part of it also has to do with the stress my family has been under and the transition we’re going through.  And I’m sure that being a TCK factors in here somewhere. When you become a Third Culture Kid, your life is forever changed. Some people have been a TCK their whole life, but others, like me, have become a TCK in the middle of their life.  Becoming a TCK means you can’t go back to the way things were before. I’ve taken my American culture (culture #1) my Rwandan culture (culture #2) and formed my own unique culture (resulting in culture #3). As a result my own unique culture doesn’t fit in anywhere, but at the same time it also means I fit in everywhere.

One of the problems with living in more than one place (being a TCK) is that you’re always missing someone or something. When I’m here I miss there and when I’m there I miss here. Not that I don’t enjoy being here or there while I’m in that particular location, it’s just that I’ve invested myself in both here and there and so, inevitably, I’ll miss whichever one I’m not in/with.

It’s confusing even for me. All I know is that I’m caught between two worlds, but thankfully, no matter which world I’m in, God is always with me.

There is a lot about the future that I do not know, however, there are a few things I can confidently state: I know I will be studying music education at Appalachian State University in the fall.  I know God is always faithful and He will guide and direct my paths. I know I will miss Rwanda very much. I know I will miss my family even more.

This is it! In 5 days I will be departing this beautiful country of Rwanda and embarking on a new journey in America. I have learned so much, I’ve grown so much, and I’ve changed so much in these past two years. I have been significantly impacted by people from many different cultures. I have had countless opportunities. I’ve further developed my relationship with God. And I’ve grown incredibly close to my brother, Adam. I’ve had ups and downs, but through it all I can say, my time in Rwanda has been wonderful. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I will, without a doubt, miss absolutely everything about this place. From the food to the hills to the people…all of it. The really nice thing is that I’m not permanently staying goodbye. My family will still be here and therefore I can say with a grin, “I’m not leaving, I’m just going.” I’m going on to the next phase of my life, but I will return to Rwanda again soon.

Breaking for Pleasure

It’s important to take a break every once and a while. To completely remove yourself from normal life and rid yourself of routine. It’s healthy. Yes, it’s important to be productive and active, but there’s a balance. While some people choose to brake for children, I break for pleasure.

Life here in pleasant Rwanda continues. We've been enjoying a two and a half week break off of school.  We started our break by going down to Gitarama, a town about an hour outside of Kigali. There we made a few sound panels for a children’s home, Urukundo (the Kinyarwanda word for love).  The next day, we traveled a little further south to a town called Butare to learn a bit more about Rwanda’s history. While there we visited the national museum and we saw the king’s palace from the early 1900’s. For those of you who are picturing a beautiful castle, let me put your imagination on hold. The king’s palace was a one room hut divided into four different sections. The last king, King Mutara, built a modern-palace that was quite a leap from the hut used for the past several hundred years. Mutara’s palace was more like a large house with six or seven individual rooms. Rwanda has quite a unique history. I won’t go into it all now because some of you were hoping for a few minutes of leisure reading rather than a history lesson, but I do encourage you to do a bit of research in your own time. 

We stayed in Kigali for one full week, visiting friends and relaxing at home.  Then, on Monday, of this past week, we packed up the car and headed north to Uganda. It was time to safari! (Pun intended, for those of you who know Swahili.) We drove eight hours on a combination of well-paved roads, smooth dirt roads, and roads littered with potholes.  We arrived at Queen Elizabeth game park and were greeted with one of the most spectacular views our eyes have beheld thus far.  Truly incredible.  We went on a game drive (safari) the next day and saw elephants, water bucks and kobs (native animals), a family of baboons, a family of warthogs (including the little babies) and many, many birds. In the afternoon we went on a boat safari and saw hippos and water buffaloes galore, along with a few crocodiles. And for those of you who are wondering, yes we did see one snake, but it was just a tiny one. Unfortunately Queen Elizabeth does not have any giraffes or zebras. They do, however, have lions and leopards, but sadly we never found any. The day after the safaris we enjoyed a full day at the lodge swimming and relaxing.  Then, it was time to begin our journey south. We drove five hours on the aforementioned roads and arrived at Lake Bunyoni. Our intent was to spend the night on an island but the rain was relentless and the air was colder than I’ve ever felt it on this side of the world. So, we canoed across the lake, in the rain, read books by a fire, and tried to entertain ourselves. We ended up leaving early the next morning because the weather was far from agreeable.  Back to Kigali we came.  There is something special about coming back in to Rwanda and Kigali after you’ve been away for a few days.  Rwanda is unique. It’s hard to explain, but I always release a sigh of relief and smile the whole way through the city.

It’s back to school now. The break has been nice, and much needed. Only five more weeks and then I’ll be a high school graduate!  Exciting times ahead, let me tell you. We all move forward one step at a time and anticipate the future. 

And because a picture is worth a thousand words...

Working on the sound panels at Urukundo

Such sweet kids! 

On the balcony of King Mutara's palace

We crossed the border and discovered
an issue with our spare tire so these
guys fixed it for us and we were back
on the road in no time

While we were waiting for the tire a guy
walked by selling the biggest bag of
popcorn I've ever seen!

Testing out the water slide

Looking through the hills at Queen Elizabeth

Yes, a double-decker pool!

Ugandan cranes

Family of warthogs

Big yawn for the camera

Water bucks

Scratching his eye

Coming back in to Kigali

Life is Hard. God is Good.

I have a T-shirt that says “Life is hard” on the front, and on the back it says, “God is good.”  I feel like I repeat that phrase to myself ten times a day.  Life is hard, God is good. Life is hard, God is good. Life is incredibly hard right now. Filled with manipulation and betrayal.  But, God is good. Why? Because He has given me some pretty amazing friends. Because He has called my family to spend the last two years of our lives in this beautiful country. Because He is working in our lives. Because He is still in control.  God has blessed us, is blessing us, and will continue to bless us.  The Bible is full of examples of hard times happening so that His glory is revealed. This happened so that they might know He is Lord…this happened so that His glory would be revealed, etc.

The month of February was a blur and March has been downright hectic.  Most days in February felt like I was wading through thick muddy water, surrounded by even thicker fog, unable to see what was lying just ahead in the murky pool.  March has been full of exciting events, that unfortunately were moderately dampened by the said “water” and “fog” that was brought about by the said “manipulative and proud Christians.”  

For those of you who have not heard my clarinet did make it back to me safe a sound on February 22^nd.  After being separated for one month and five days it was a delightful and beautifully sounding reunion.  

On March 2^nd, I had my Appalachian State audition for the school of music. It did not necessarily go according to plan. The internet was less than corporative, but thankfully, the clarinet professor was flexible and understanding.  I ended up emailing a sound recording and it was definitely one of my lesser performances, not worthy of a scholarship. But like I said earlier…this happened (poor audition) so that God’s name would be praised.  If I do receive a scholarship (I’m still waiting to hear back from them on the results and any scholarship opportunities.) my only response will be to praise Him because I know that my performance was not scholarship-worthy.

On March 8^th the Injyana Orchestra Rwanda performed for the first time ever. It was a smashing success! It is estimated that around 400 people were in attendance. This was a huge event for Kigali and Rwanda.  As far as we know, it was the first full-orchestra ever in the country. We had musicians ranging from 12 to 50 years old and everything from a bassoon to a harp in our forty member orchestra.  It was one of the coolest things I’ve ever been a part of.

On March 15^th the Young Kigali Musicians performed at a private dinner party.  The Young Kigali Musicians are eight musicians that come from three different families:  three violinists, a cellist/pianist, two clarinetists, a French hornist, and an ever-reliable piano accompanist. This dinner party was not just your average run-of- the-mill dinner party.  This dinner party was a unique experience because it included guests like the U.S. Ambassador, a Rwandese woman, Jolly Dusebe, who was recently named one of Africa’s top twenty most influential women, and several important doctors in Kigali and surrounding towns.  The Young Kigali Musicians performed ten pieces total, with several combinations of quintet, trio, duet, and solo pieces.

 

And then two days later on March 17^th we gave the same recital, but this time for the general public. We anticipated twenty to thirty people and we easily had over seventy in attendance!  Again, classical music is a really big deal in Rwanda.  It was so exciting to see the amount of many people who came to support us.  The recital went very well.  The weather was pleasant and the power stayed on!  Unfortunately, I cannot say the same for the previous Friday night.  The power did go off for fifteen to twenty minutes during the performance so we took an unexpected and very dark intermission, and life went on. 

On March 22^nd, we had the annual KICS Talent show led by the student council.  It was a rather successful night; people appeared to enjoy themselves and everything went according to plan. Along with overseeing all of the acts and performers, I too, performed a duet with a good friend of mine, who is also an active student council member, and we ended up winning for the overall high school category. Adam’s fifteenth birthday was on Friday and was celebrated with two of his closest friends and then celebrated again with his dear family on Saturday night.

Rainy season has kicked in, full steam ahead, or shall I say, full stream ahead?  Lately, we’ve been having long and unknowing endings to our power outages… three hours, six hours….who knows? Internet has been on and off depending on the weather…ah, Africa. I actually quite enjoy this aspect of living here. It makes me appreciate things like reliable electricity or internet and it also makes me realize that I don’t need either of those things to survive.

Speaking of Adam and the rainy season, KICS had a football match on Saturday morning (soccer game for you Westerners) and it was unlike anything I’ve ever seen before.  They may as well have been playing water polo. It had been raining pretty steadily all morning and the rain did not cease during the game.  The dirt field was fully transformed into a mud pond and the clean and professional team was transformed into a wild and dirty mess.  It was certainly an exciting match! After all it’s not every day that a team can come back from a score of 0-3 and end up winning
4-3!

Our much needed, two and a half week break begins on Thursday.  Things are slowly winding down for the year.  As I embark on the last few weeks of my high school career and the last couple months of my time in Rwanda, I strive to make as many memories as possible and bring glory to God in everything I do.  Life is hard. This is fact. But God is always, always good. 

Acceptance

I received word from Appalachian State University today.  I’ve worked hard at my academics, and SAT, and my clarinet for years.  I applied to one school.  The only school I wanted to go to.  And they’ve accepted me.  I’m going to Appalachian State University in the fall!!  CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??  I’m thrilled and grateful to the Lord!

On a different note, some of you may be wondering how the situation with my clarinet is progressing.  Although it is still sad and hard, the Lord is working all things for His glory.

We were able to send my clarinet back with a group of people who were visiting from Atlanta. They shipped the instrument yesterday and it should be arriving in Boone, NC (the location of the instrument repair shop) on Monday, Lord willing. My upper joint needs to be replaced and so the repair shop in NC is waiting on that shipment to come in from France. Unfortunately, France is out of upper joints at the moment and is also waiting for a shipment.  Once my clarinet and the new joint gets to NC we’ll have a better estimate on how long it will take to repair it and get it back to me.

The Lord is blessing me abundantly even in the midst of this hard trial. Appalachian is being very understanding and we’ve temporarily postponed my audition.  The people at the repair shop are very easy to work with.  The man that took my clarinet back to the States is going above and beyond in making sure my clarinet arrives in Boone as soon as possible and is well taken care of.  One of my clarinet students is graciously sharing her clarinet with me. We alternate it every other day.  She plays an intermediate level Buffet (the same brand as my professional level clarinet).  It’s a huge blessing.  The fifth grade class at school raised 6,500 rwf to help with the repair costs. (Roughly $10) Their concern and kindness is humbling.  A family that I used to babysit in America also sent some money to help with the repair costs. Numerous people are praying for me and have offered to help in any way that they can.

However, just because I can see the blessings does not mean that I do not struggle with discouragement every single day. I miss my clarinet. I find myself frustrated and thinking negative thoughts pretty consistently.  Last year I went through many hardships and trials and I overcame them with the Lord’s help.  This time around I’m being confronted with a trial that feels like a mountain.  But James says, “Consider it pure joy, [Grace], when you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness…”  My trials last year were nothing like the trial that I’m currently facing. We will have trials of many kinds, but I must consider it to be pure joy.  God has helped me through my past trials and He will help me through this one too.  It is quite possible that I was too attached to my clarinet.  I adore my clarinet; it is one of my most favorite things on this earth.  I think that God is using this situation as a time to teach me that He is the only one that matters. My clarinet is an earthy possession that will not last. I must put the majority of my time and love into Him and not my clarinet.

This past week has not been an easy one.  My dad wisely noted that I had my eyes on the wrong thing. I was acknowledging that the Lord was blessing me but I was focused on the enemy.  Instead I need to acknowledge the enemy, realize that he is there, but “fix my eyes on Jesus” (Hebrews 12:2).  I am coming to a place of acceptance but I still need your prayers.  Pray that the replacement part arrives in NC and that my clarinet gets back to me as soon as possible.  Hopefully in time for the recital at the end of February, the orchestra concert, and my rescheduled audition.  Pray for “endurance and patience with joy” (Colossians 1:11) as I fight discouragement and search for the positive aspects of this situation. And please join in with me as I rejoice and praise the Lord for this wonderful news from ASU.

Broken

Walking and writing are two ways that help me process heavy news or deal with disheartening scenarios.  It helps clear my head of my thoughts and make room for God’s words.

Tonight I do not even have the energy to walk, so I will write.


This afternoon during ensemble rehearsal I accidentally knocked my clarinet over.

It broke in half.

Above the middle joint.

It cannot be fixed. It has to be replaced.

Devastating. Shocked. Speechless. Hurt.  So many emotions and feelings. Every time I say the words, my clarinet is broken, a new set of tears comes streaming down my face.

I have an audition to get into the School of Music at Appalachian State University on February 2nd.

I have a recital at the end of February.

I have an orchestra concert at the beginning of March.

I teach lessons on a weekly basis.

I love my clarinet.

It can’t be broken. It just can’t be.

But it is.

My brain shut down. I had no thoughts except for the reoccurring, My clarinet is broken. My clarinet is broken. My clarinet is broken.  Not in a frantic and screaming way, but more in a way that maybe if I said it enough I would wake up and find my clarinet in one piece. All I could do was cry. I laid flat on my back for almost an hour and did absolute nothing. I thought absolutely nothing. I just stared at the ceiling.

Just like my beloved instrument, my heart is broken. Aching and asking Why?

This might seem like it’s a bit dramatic for some people. I know that there are way worse things going on in the world. No one died. No one’s life was put on the line. It’s just a worldly item. I shouldn’t be so upset over something like this. But, music and the clarinet are my passions. It is a part of who I am. And it’s a part of who I will be. God has given me a talent with music and with the clarinet. He blessed me with this beautiful clarinet that now lays broken in my case.

Not even six months ago I received a very generous gift from a dear family friend: a brand new professional clarinet. Given with the intent of helping me as I pursue my dreams and passions.

What am I going to do?

I’m in Rwanda.  It’s not like I can just run over to the instrument technician.

Thankfully, God is in control. God was not the least bit surprised when my clarinet fell over today. He knew it was going to happen and He already has it worked out. I take comfort in that.

“…to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion – to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.”  Isaiah 61:3

I don’t have the slightest idea why this happened today.  Nor can I see any good that could possible come from this traumatic situation.  But I know God. He redeems. He works all things for His glory.

Already we’ve contacted the music store in North Carolina where I purchased the instrument.  I will be sending my clarinet back to the states. They will repair it and then ship it back to me as soon as possible.

This is good news. But I don’t have an instrument to play in between now and then. I can’t continue to do what I do without a clarinet.

I appreciate your prayers as I struggle to find joy in all circumstances and look to Him for guidance.

Here We Go Again

Just a quick update before the routine begins again.

First semester ended on a good note.  My grandparents from Florida (my dad’s parents) arrived on December 12th.  On December 13th we had our Christmas concert with grades 5-12 participating.  It was a huge success, just like anything my father does.  Final exams went well for both Adam and I and then we enjoyed a few relaxing days with my grandparents as we showed them around Kigali.  I celebrated my eighteenth birthday and we had a wonderful Christmas.  My grandparents brought many American treats with them and so it was nice to have a somewhat familiar-feeling Christmas morning.  Five days later, on December 30th my other grandparents from North Carolina (my mom’s parents) arrived. Yes, two sets of grandparents at one time!  We enjoyed a second Christmas with these grandparents; they also brought us fabulous American treats from our friends and family in America. Then, on Monday (the 31st) we, all nine of us, drove down to Kibagora (the southern location of Lake Kivu) to take a break from the city.  We spent a few days by the lake, enjoying a true vacation.

Kibagora

My dad’s parent’s left yesterday and my mom’s parents are here until Sunday.  We’ve been showing my grandparents around and relishing our last few days before school begins again.  I’ve been able to read a book over this break (something I don’t usually have time for) and I even learned how to make a pie! Pie is very important on my mom’s side of the family. I made a total of three pies: two apple and one shoo-fly (a pie that’s been in my family for generations).  I like cooking and baking but cooking and baking over here is a whole different story. Making everything from scratch and using a gas oven that has Celsius temperatures are just two of the unfamiliar elements of cooking here in Kigali. Actually, today while I was making the shoo-fly pie with Meemaw, the power went off.  Thankfully, our oven is gas and not electric.

School begins tomorrow. Second semester will be very similar to the first one.  I’ll have the same class schedule, I’ll be teaching four clarinet lessons each week, and I’ll also be fulfilling my student council roles.  Along with that I’ll be preparing for my audition with Appalachian State University on February 2nd, as well as a recital with four other musician friends towards the end of February.  I have several extra music things to do this semester; of course I’m looking forward to them all.

I’m anxiously awaiting the arrival of January 25th – the day I receive my letter from Appalachian State University informing me of their decision.   I am ready to start second semester.  I’m ready to get back into the routine and I’m ready to finish high school and move on to new and exciting things.  And I’m looking forward to what God has in store for me this semester and for the upcoming years.