Broken

Walking and writing are two ways that help me process heavy news or deal with disheartening scenarios.  It helps clear my head of my thoughts and make room for God’s words.

Tonight I do not even have the energy to walk, so I will write.


This afternoon during ensemble rehearsal I accidentally knocked my clarinet over.

It broke in half.

Above the middle joint.

It cannot be fixed. It has to be replaced.

Devastating. Shocked. Speechless. Hurt.  So many emotions and feelings. Every time I say the words, my clarinet is broken, a new set of tears comes streaming down my face.

I have an audition to get into the School of Music at Appalachian State University on February 2nd.

I have a recital at the end of February.

I have an orchestra concert at the beginning of March.

I teach lessons on a weekly basis.

I love my clarinet.

It can’t be broken. It just can’t be.

But it is.

My brain shut down. I had no thoughts except for the reoccurring, My clarinet is broken. My clarinet is broken. My clarinet is broken.  Not in a frantic and screaming way, but more in a way that maybe if I said it enough I would wake up and find my clarinet in one piece. All I could do was cry. I laid flat on my back for almost an hour and did absolute nothing. I thought absolutely nothing. I just stared at the ceiling.

Just like my beloved instrument, my heart is broken. Aching and asking Why?

This might seem like it’s a bit dramatic for some people. I know that there are way worse things going on in the world. No one died. No one’s life was put on the line. It’s just a worldly item. I shouldn’t be so upset over something like this. But, music and the clarinet are my passions. It is a part of who I am. And it’s a part of who I will be. God has given me a talent with music and with the clarinet. He blessed me with this beautiful clarinet that now lays broken in my case.

Not even six months ago I received a very generous gift from a dear family friend: a brand new professional clarinet. Given with the intent of helping me as I pursue my dreams and passions.

What am I going to do?

I’m in Rwanda.  It’s not like I can just run over to the instrument technician.

Thankfully, God is in control. God was not the least bit surprised when my clarinet fell over today. He knew it was going to happen and He already has it worked out. I take comfort in that.

“…to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion – to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.”  Isaiah 61:3

I don’t have the slightest idea why this happened today.  Nor can I see any good that could possible come from this traumatic situation.  But I know God. He redeems. He works all things for His glory.

Already we’ve contacted the music store in North Carolina where I purchased the instrument.  I will be sending my clarinet back to the states. They will repair it and then ship it back to me as soon as possible.

This is good news. But I don’t have an instrument to play in between now and then. I can’t continue to do what I do without a clarinet.

I appreciate your prayers as I struggle to find joy in all circumstances and look to Him for guidance.