Wet Paint

How in the world have so many weeks gone by since I last wrote? It’s not like my life is that busy. ...more like, it’s not busy enough for me to have anything worth writing about.

Or rather, everything is rattling and swirling around in my head. Sentences formulating for brief moments before being whisked away. Imagination running wild. Thoughts of what if and how come. Too convoluted to write, but just enough convolution to keep me intrigued and asking and searching and smiling. We all need a little convolution to keep us sane.

I’m waiting for the big revelation. To finally reveal to my readers what God is up to. The literal story, the literal plan, instead of cleverly written metaphors and vague outlines of unrecognizable shapes.

That day will be here soon, dear readers, but for now, I’ll give you…

Blank Walls Reprise (from last post)

Last night I was looking around my room and noting how many pictures and decorations I have on my wall. In my head I thought, No one likes blank walls. Reminded of my previous post, I immediately smiled and contemplated the status of my spiritual wall.

Sometimes God paints your wall without you noticing.

Really, it doesn’t do much good for you to sit there and stare at a blank wall, trying to guess what God is up to.

Keep doing what you’re doing. Go about life. But make sure you occasionally stop by the wall. You’ll be amazed at the picture He’s painting.

My wall is attractive and exciting. However, it’s still very empty. He’s just getting started, but the glimpses I’ve seen are enticing.

A recollection of the past, a hint of what’s to come, a reminder of dreams, a revelation of who I am.

A Blank Wall

Nobody likes a blank wall. Blank walls are boring. Blank walls are nothing.

Except…

A blank wall can be turned in to anything. A blank wall is waiting for the artist to come in and turn it in to something beautiful and unique.

A blank wall doesn’t have to stay a blank wall.

It can become something great.

What if we all start out as blank walls… we pick up the paintbrush and begin to add colors here and there, designing the wall the way we want it to look.

Keep in mind that behind all the bright colors there is nothing. It’s just a blank wall.

But we keep painting. And somewhere in our childlike minds we think that maybe if we pick the right colors and paint the right shapes, we’ll be able to make our wall so interesting and wonderful that people will stand in awe, just soaking in the glorious painting we created.

But, alas, no, that is not the way it works.

Do you remember when you were little and your mom sat you down at the table and gave you the paper and the finger paints? And you didn’t understand that the more colors you used, the more brown the paper became. And the messier your hands became. And then you got to the point where you looked at your mom and held up your hands and said “I’m done” with a slightly disgusted look on your face.

That, is a little closer to the way it works.

So, the more painting and striving we do, the more brown our wall becomes. In fact, a blank wall becomes almost appealing.

We hold up our hands in surrender and say “I’m done” with a slightly disgusted look on our face.

Then God comes in and lovingly wipes are hands clean. And covers our horrifying wall in a coat of fresh white paint.

And we are left standing in front of the wall, tempted to start painting again. Because blank walls are not only boring, they’re also vulnerable.

God picks up His paintbrush and slowly, oh so slowly, begins to paint. After staring at it for hours you still cannot guess what He could possibly be painting.

And you get tired of waiting, so you sneak over to the corner and begin to paint a little, just on the edge of the wall. 

But you quickly get carried away and before you know it you’ve painted half the wall again.

What you didn’t realize is that while you were painting away, God was coming behind you with the white paint.

Every time you attempted to paint, God erased it.

Every time you started to plan your life the way you wanted it to go, God erased it.

Not out of spite. Not with the intention of making you miserable.

Out of love.

Because He can see further down the road then we can. And He knows what is best for us.

So, really, there is nothing left for us to do but sit in front of the blank wall and wait.

Wait for the Master to create a masterpiece.

And so, if we are blank walls, doesn’t that mean that we, eventually, will be a masterpiece?

Achieving Happiness

“For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin – real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one. Happiness is a journey not a destination.” 

Not sure who Alfred D. Souza is, but the quote is applicable to my life, so I’m using it.

I’m very goal driven. I have a task at hand, I work until it’s complete, and then I close it and move on to the next thing. Over and over and over.

So, lately, my task has been to achieve “happiness”….to achieve success, perfection, the ideal life, etc. etc. It’s my task, and I’ve been working hard to reach the ending point of finding positive emotions (i.e. happiness). And now I laugh, because that sounds so silly. Souza is absolutely right. Happiness is not a destination. Happiness is an emotion that comes on the way to the destination. And what is the destination? Well…that’s still to be determined. The church-girl answer would be “Jesus.” The old-Grace answer would be, “Perfection.” And while I believe both answers are correct, I think I need to travel the road a little more before I discover the actual destination.

Or maybe there isn’t a destination. Maybe my life will be this journey. And my destination is death. Isn’t that sort of the point? I go through life, enduring trials, with patience and joy, until Jesus calls me home. (A rough synopsis. I realize there is so much more to life, but life ultimately leads to death, no?) 

And also, if happiness is a journey, doesn’t that mean that disappointment, frustration, and anger are also a journey. It’s just that people don’t strive to attain disappointment. No one wants to focus on the bad. Only the good. But the bad aspects are just as much a part of the journey as the good aspects.

And what happens when you are on this journey, and you’re experiencing happiness and you’re thinking that your bent-out-of-shape life is finally taking a recognizable shape again, and then, it springs back out of shape because the people you were relying on didn’t hold up their end of the deal or didn’t believe in you. Then what?

This would be the hard part of the journey. And I think this is where we begin to think that happiness is a destination. Because, surely, feeling disappointment isn’t the final product. It must be the opposite of disappointment. Therefore, happiness. And thus, we conclude with happiness being the end goal.

Enough with the rambling.

It’s a journey. Life is. Positive and negative. Uphills and downhills. Joys and struggles. Embrace it all, because “time waits for no one.”

Changes

Have you ever noticed how trees don’t freak out when it’s time to change seasons? In the fall, the trees accept that their leaves will change colors. As we go deeper into the season and shift to winter, the trees let go of their leaves without defiance, even though it means unbecoming nakedness and vulnerability for the trees themselves. Perhaps trees hope in the knowledge of spring and regrowth, and that is why they release their leaves so easily. And perhaps spring is the blessing for being faithful. The trees experience renewal and growth throughout the spring and into the summer, as their leaves bud and blossom. But before they know it, it’s time to let go of their leaves (their beauty, their identity) again.

Or, think about the way trees react to wind: When the wind blows, the trees allow their leaves to rustle. And when the wind gets really strong and their branches are swaying back and forth, almost to the point of snapping, they remain calm. Their roots are firmly planted. Trees don’t get all up in arms when the wind blows.

Maybe trees are a parallel for how we should live our lives. Accepting change as part of the process. Trusting that even though things don’t look too good at the present moment, God will work things out and make us whole and beautiful again. We must keep our roots firmly planted. And not hold on to God’s gifts too tightly, because they can be taken away at any moment. Our identity should reflect Christ, not the leaves we wear so proudly.

“...that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.” Isaiah 61:3b

 In the changes and in the wind, God is working. And as He is working, our roots are getting deeper and stronger. Eventually we will grow into “oaks of righteousness.” Beautiful, strong trees. For the Lord.

But, I struggle with change. Who doesn’t? Yes, there are those of us out there that thrive on change and get restless when they are in one place for too long, but that is not true for me.

However, I do like to liven things up every once and a while. I don’t order the same thing at the restaurants I frequent and don’t like to park in the same parking spot. And I even enjoy changing my clothes.

I’ve learned it’s not necessarily change itself that I have a problem with. It’s the transition. Going through the change. Feeling comfortable before the change and freaking out while I’m trying to figure out how to settle into life after the change.

I’m learning that change is healthy. It’s a necessary part of life. If the trees didn’t go with the flow and accept the change, think how strange that would be! We wouldn’t have seasons! If trees crumbled at the faintest breeze, we would laugh, wouldn’t we? When wind (change) comes our way it is an opportunity to develop stronger roots and enjoy the ride.

I’ve been through a lot of change in the past six months. Actually, I’ve been through a lot of change in the past two and a half years. Change that I didn’t know how to handle because my roots were but thin little twigs.

In all of these months of too-much-change-not-handled-well, my roots have started to spread deeper in to the ground. And change is still coming at me. The wind is blowing. The seasons are changing. It’s time to rid myself of the old and embrace the new. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.

Don’t we all go through a time in our life where we have to discover who we really are? Who we want to be, where we want to go? For some people, this process is more intense and difficult than others. But we all have to search and make decisions for ourselves and about ourselves. So it’s not like my story is all that strange and unheard of. Everyone has gone through this time of self-discovery. God just threw a couple extra twists and sped the wind up a little more for me. But I’m grateful He did, because it means that my roots are getting stronger and I’m slowly becoming an oak of righteousness. And in time, I’ll be ready for the wind to blow and the seasons to change.

His Knowledge. My Knowledge. My Belief.

Jesus knows firsthand what it feels like to be rejected.

Whoa.

Realization and wonder collide in my head.

Not only that, but He knows firsthand every feeling we have ever experienced.

It’s not like I’ve never heard this message before. I know this message forward and backward. But it hadn’t really “clicked” until today. 

Driving down the road. Singing.

Boom.

“You think you know what it feels like to be rejected, Grace? You will never experience rejection to the magnitude I experienced it.”

Stunned silence.

“You think you know what emotional pain feels like? You think you know all about the hardships and challenges of life? Oh, my child, I created those feelings and emotions. The good and the bad. I experienced every one of them. I know exactly how you feel.”

More stunned silence but this time with tears.

My problems are miniscule in light of what Jesus went through. It light of what others are going through. In light of eternity.

So I must embrace the challenges and trials and press on with gratitude. Because if Jesus hadn’t pressed on…well, let’s not go there.

Life is hard. But Jesus gets it.

And I realize some people might read this and think it’s a load of hogwash.

Others might read this and already know all of this in their head but not know any of it in their heart.

That was me. Until today.

God is slowly turning all of the knowledge stuck in my head into actual belief planted in my heart.

And for that, I am grateful.

Fine Arts In All Its Forms

I never considered myself to be much of an artist. As in, “a person who creates art: a person who is skilled at drawing, painting, etc.” Thank you Mr. Webster for that precise definition. I held a keen interest for the “fine arts” but believed that my avenue led to music. For years I studied it religiously, learning all I could about the fundamentals, the theory, the composers, the instruments. I was fascinated with it. Like a mathematician completing a longer-than-necessary problem, I believed my true niche was found in music.

Well, things change. Do they not? People grow, people experiment, and people learn that their interests either expand further in the direction they were heading, or they (people) take the nearest exit and transfer to a new highway.

At first, when the Cloud of Uncertainty gave way and the Rain of Doubt poured down on me, I took the first exit and high-tailed it off that interstate. But then I got into a horrible car wreck in terms of emotions. And I did not drive on any avenue, dirt road, or highway for quite some time.

But then my body healed from the “brutal accident." And my car was "repaired" and begging me to take a ride.  

So I did.

And in this ride that I’ve been on since my “car accident”, I have discovered so much about myself. And I’m exploring my previous interests and discovering that they are, in fact, expanding further in the direction they were heading.  

I like art. In all its forms. Music. Theatre. Dance. Art. Photography. Poetry. Prose. (Does blogging count? Kidding.)

It turns out that music is not the only road I have to travel on. I’m allowed to explore the whole neighborhood.

My favorite part about this “fine arts neighborhood” I’m currently residing in, is the freedom I have to create whatever my heart wants to create. I’m in charge here. There are no rules. If you don’t want to capitalize or use correct punctuation in your poem (e.e. cummings) then go for it. If you want to compose a completely bombastic, cutting-edge piece of music (Hector Berlioz) then be my guest.

Art is expression. Art is a mere whisper of the heart screaming at the top of its lungs.

 Listen. Feel. Observe. Reflect. Express. Create. 

North Carolina in the Fall

Doesn’t this time of year make you want to go outside and take pictures of every tree in sight? Fall is definitely something I took for granted before moving to Rwanda. This time of year is gorgeous. The cooler temperatures, the cloudless “Carolina-blue” sky, the color-changing trees, the leaves swirling on the road as a car whizzes by…it’s all so lovely.

Something Joe Fox (Tom Hanks) said in You’ve Got Mail comes to mind: “Don't you love New York in the fall? It makes me wanna buy school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address.”

A bouquet of newly sharpened pencils. Trees changing color. Leaves swirling to the ground. It truly is “the simple things in life” that bring a smile to our faces.

Every now and then the artistic part of my artist personality comes out and I get the urge to create. I started by taking pictures of various leaves scattered about the yard…

 

And then I got really into it and painted a “pinky-print” tree…

I painted the tree with a brush and then used my pinky for the leaves.
And, no, this is not a Pintrest idea. 

 I used the leaves I had earlier collected and made a collage of sorts, but didn’t like the finished product, so I stripped the canvas and created this instead…

Like the leaves that are sent flying by a passing car, my life continues to chaotically fly around while a “car” drives by and then settle for a few moments, only to erupt into the mad swirling when the next “car” comes along. But, in time, the dead leaves will disappear and before I know it, I’ll begin to see new buds and growth on the trees…on my tree.