Really Living

The skies are still gray.

There are beautiful golden-yellow and vibrant autumn-orange trees lining the road, and the wind is strong and blustery, tumbling all that color around in the air, and I count it as a gift, but I’m hung up on the fact that the sky has been painted a dull, pale gray for more days in a row than I can count.

And I’m having a hard time counting the gray sky as a gift. Where is the beauty in a gray sky?

Maybe the beauty is that the gray sky is created by God. And what God creates is beautiful.

Thank you Lord for painting the sky gray.

My heart still isn’t in it. I don’t like to say things unless I really mean them. So I’m withhold my thanks, as if that is even really an option. The God of the universe chose to paint the Minnesota sky a dull gray and I think it’s okay for me to scrunch my nose and withhold thanks until I see more of a blue color.  (I roll my eyes at myself.)

Thank you Lord for painting the gray sky.

A couple years ago I read Ann Voskamp’s book, 1,000 Gifts, and it significantly changed my way of thinking, my way living. And now she has come out with another book, The Broken Way, and it is just as beautiful and life-changing as the first. I am devouring every artistically placed word in between homework and classes and work. (Seriously, read the book. Read both books. They are so good.)

Earlier this afternoon I was sitting in a coffee shop working on math homework and actually getting it. I was doing algebra by myself and getting the answers correct. (This is big!) And then I decided to take a break and read a couple pages of Voskamp’s new book. She was talking about grains of wheat and our days being limited and how we must die to ourselves.

Then, something on the table caught my eye: a little seed, probably from a muffin. But the seed looks exactly like the ones of the cover of the book, and exactly like the ones I was just reading about. And that seed that was probably knocked off the top of a muffin by a careless set of teeth became the cause of a huge smile on my face. I sat there and stared at the seed for a long time and marveled at God’s tiny gifts that He gives all day long.

And I took that seed home with me and I taped it to the wall next to my bed so that I can remember. I can remember that God gives and gives and gives. And He cares. He cares that math is not easy for me so He helps me. He cares that I’m totally impacted by this book and so He gives me a little seed of my own. The seed now taped to my wall is a reminder to daily die to myself. To be broken. The only way to live is to die (John 12:24-26). This is the premise of her whole book.

Earlier today I took an exam for my advanced grammar class and I walked out of the room after spending approximately 65 minutes on five sentences, feeling like that exam slapped me hard. I felt conquered by that exam. (They call it advanced for a reason.) But, I just got an email with my grade and it is about 15% more than I thought it would be. Not because I am really smart and studied super hard but because God cares and He enables me to do my best. And it is because of Him that I received such a good grade.

And until I can die to myself every day and give Him everything I have and count every gift He gives, even the dull gray sky, I am not really living. And I don’t want to live another day without living.