Really Living

The skies are still gray.

There are beautiful golden-yellow and vibrant autumn-orange trees lining the road, and the wind is strong and blustery, tumbling all that color around in the air, and I count it as a gift, but I’m hung up on the fact that the sky has been painted a dull, pale gray for more days in a row than I can count.

And I’m having a hard time counting the gray sky as a gift. Where is the beauty in a gray sky?

Maybe the beauty is that the gray sky is created by God. And what God creates is beautiful.

Thank you Lord for painting the sky gray.

My heart still isn’t in it. I don’t like to say things unless I really mean them. So I’m withhold my thanks, as if that is even really an option. The God of the universe chose to paint the Minnesota sky a dull gray and I think it’s okay for me to scrunch my nose and withhold thanks until I see more of a blue color.  (I roll my eyes at myself.)

Thank you Lord for painting the gray sky.

A couple years ago I read Ann Voskamp’s book, 1,000 Gifts, and it significantly changed my way of thinking, my way living. And now she has come out with another book, The Broken Way, and it is just as beautiful and life-changing as the first. I am devouring every artistically placed word in between homework and classes and work. (Seriously, read the book. Read both books. They are so good.)

Earlier this afternoon I was sitting in a coffee shop working on math homework and actually getting it. I was doing algebra by myself and getting the answers correct. (This is big!) And then I decided to take a break and read a couple pages of Voskamp’s new book. She was talking about grains of wheat and our days being limited and how we must die to ourselves.

Then, something on the table caught my eye: a little seed, probably from a muffin. But the seed looks exactly like the ones of the cover of the book, and exactly like the ones I was just reading about. And that seed that was probably knocked off the top of a muffin by a careless set of teeth became the cause of a huge smile on my face. I sat there and stared at the seed for a long time and marveled at God’s tiny gifts that He gives all day long.

And I took that seed home with me and I taped it to the wall next to my bed so that I can remember. I can remember that God gives and gives and gives. And He cares. He cares that math is not easy for me so He helps me. He cares that I’m totally impacted by this book and so He gives me a little seed of my own. The seed now taped to my wall is a reminder to daily die to myself. To be broken. The only way to live is to die (John 12:24-26). This is the premise of her whole book.

Earlier today I took an exam for my advanced grammar class and I walked out of the room after spending approximately 65 minutes on five sentences, feeling like that exam slapped me hard. I felt conquered by that exam. (They call it advanced for a reason.) But, I just got an email with my grade and it is about 15% more than I thought it would be. Not because I am really smart and studied super hard but because God cares and He enables me to do my best. And it is because of Him that I received such a good grade.

And until I can die to myself every day and give Him everything I have and count every gift He gives, even the dull gray sky, I am not really living. And I don’t want to live another day without living. 

Joy-Stealer

Have you ever seen The Princess Bride? You know the scene where Miracle Max, Inigo Montoya, and Westley are talking and all of the sudden Miracle Max's wife, Valerie, jumps out and starts yelling, Liar! LIAR! LI-I-A-AR! 

This is what I imagine I'm supposed to do when I feel attacked by Satan. Liar! LIAR! LI-I-A-AR! Joy-stealer! JOY-STEALER! JOY-ST-E-E-E-LA-AR! 

Paul says to the church in Galatia, You were running well. Who hindered you from obeying the truth?

It feels so matter-of-fact, like a rhetorical question.

But it's a valid question.

I was running just fine and then I stopped. Why? Who hindered me?

Well, circumstances did, but I know there is one who is doing everything in his limited power to hinder me, so it's not merely a coincidence that I stopped running.

And, let's not forget, I'm human. I get tired of running. I get distracted. Netflix looks like an appealing way to spend the evening and hitting snooze a couple times in the morning feels like a good option until I can't possibly delay waking up any longer. And with each passing day, discipline goes out the window and I'm in a vulnerable, undisciplined state, and Satan attacks and tries to hinder me from running. And then he throws discouragement and condemnation on top of that, making me feel bad for not running, and making it difficult to go back to running. And with each passing day, the act of not-running becomes normal and the act of running feels strenuous. And who would want to do something strenuous?

But then I realize that I'm barely living. Life is passing by, day after day and I'm standing on the sidelines watching it. There goes my joy and my strength and my love, and here I stand, with arms crossed.

I've spent the last week walking around under "skies of gray" - literally. I don't remember the last time I saw blue skies and the bright sun. But also, metaphorically, the skies have been gray. And I've chosen to simply accept the gray feelings and the lack of joy and strength and love.

And this is exactly where Satan wants me. The conniving fool somehow managed to blindside me again.

The race is hard and strenuous and it can feel like a good idea to stop running, to take a breather, but that's one of the times that Satan uses against us.

I'm tired of being disciplined. I'm having a bad day. Things aren't going my way. I'm tired of running. And our weariness becomes so present and he convinces us to stop.

Let us not forget that it is our weariness and weakness that Christ uses to make us strong. So when we feel like giving up on the whole running-the-race thing, hand it over to God because it is not really us who are running anyway - it is all Him.

And the next time we find ourselves contemplating the idea of halting the race, just yell: LI-I-A-AR! Because life isn't better outside of the race, no matter what he tries to convince you. It's boring and joy-less. Keep running, don't be hindered!

Darkness to Light

God has given me a passion for truth and a desire to pursue what is right.

Psalm 139 talks about how God goes before us on the path and brings light to the darkness in front of us and calls back to us saying, “It’s okay; the coast is clear! Come on ahead!”

And even while He is walking ahead of us lighting the way, He is walking next to us maintaining the light. He desires to bring darkness to light. And this has compelled me to bring darkness to light as well.

My eyes have recently been opened to the world of pornography. I really didn’t know it was much of a thing before a year ago. But it is a thing, and it’s everywhere, and it’s darkness, and it’s hurtful.

And I don’t want people to live in darkness. There is so much happening in the light, and I want everyone to be a part of it. I want to call pornography out of darkness, bringing it to light, so that it loses its power in Jesus’ name.

The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned. Isaiah 9:2.

Prior to this week, I thought I was better than every person who struggles with pornography. I thought I sinned less; I thought I deserved more.

But God has shown me otherwise. There is some very real sin in my own life and the Lord placed three friends and three specific conversations in my week for the purpose of bringing these unconfessed sins to my attention. I too have sin in the dark corners of my life, and I desire to keep them in dark corners.

In my hypocrisy, I think I can stand in front of people and talk about the sin of pornography and talk about bringing darkness to light, all the while keeping parts of myself in darkness.

Yesterday, in great sorrow, I apologized to the Lord. And then He called me to go a step further:

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. James 5:16a.

Last night I sat on the floor of my room and spoke my sins out loud and confessed them to my roommates. I showed them an ugly side of me and it was scary and uncomfortable. My sin is coming to light. And after our conversation we danced around the room because the sin is no more, and I am free to dance and sing and laugh in Him.

Jesus came so that we would not have to carry the weight of sin in the dark corners of our heart. He came so that we could be free. He came so that we could live in the light.

And my heart asks in bewilderment, "What love is this?" This love so great that He would take my sin and allow me to stand before Him. It is a love unlike any other. And it humbles me and causes me to worship and begs me to share it with others and compels me to bring light to the darkness.

So join me, friends, let's talk about sin more. Let's call it out of darkness and bring it to light. Let's create environments of love so that honesty and vulnerability can be a part of our conversations. Press into the discomfort. There is freedom on the other side.