Doubt

The idea of being on Rwandan soil in five days is possibly too much for me to handle. I can’t believe how quickly the time has passed. I’m not saying that in a regretful way, by any means. It passed at just the right pace. And now I’m saying in amazement and appreciation that I’m so glad I’ve almost made it to June 30.

In these past couple weeks I have been beginning to doubt my near-future (the future that’s starting in five days) because I cannot hear God’s voice. It’s definitely an attack from the enemy and it took a very special person on the outside looking in to bring me to my “on-guard” position. I was wondering, “Am I really supposed to be in Rwanda right now? There are so many opportunities for me here in St. Petersburg. [Side Note: In the last couple weeks I have been presented with several great (and tempting) opportunities…none of which are in my “field” of interest…sounds like an attempt at a distraction.] Maybe I didn’t hear God correctly. This is going to be a disaster.” On and on. But the thing is, when my mom tells me to unload the dishwasher she’s going to say, “Grace, can you please unload the dishwasher?” And then she’s going to walk away. In a few hours, she may walk by the dishwasher and see all the dishes still waiting to be put away and then she’d say “Grace, I thought I asked you to unload the dishwasher.” And my response could be, “Oh yeah! I forgot.” Or “Yeah, you did, but I don’t want to.” It’s the same with God. “Grace, go to Rwanda.” And then if I happen to get distracted with something else and get on the wrong path, He’ll come alongside me again and remind me of what He has asked me to do. Imagine if my mom followed me around the house repeatedly asking me to unload the dishwasher until I finally completed the task. That would be annoying. And unnecessary. Because I heard her loud and clear the first time. I shouldn’t need God to follow me around all day continually telling me to go to Rwanda. He already told me…and I’m going!

So, really, at this point, doubting isn’t even an option. My mom tells me to unload the dishwasher. I say okay. I do the job. Then suddenly, “Oh man, should I really have unloaded the dishwasher?” Too late. It’s already done. Move on, foolish girl. I did (or, rather, am doing) what God has asked me to do. Done. Fini. No more consideration.

So, with that being said, I’LL BE IN RWANDA IN FIVE DAYS!!!”

I’m anticipating all of the spectacular things He is going to do with me, through me, for me.

Already, even before arriving, He is showering blessings upon me. The things that I worry about the most are already taken care of. Friends are jumping on board and showing interest and support. For the first time in my life I think I can actually say that I’m leaving well. I’m making sure to do all the “lasts” and receive closure. I’m not afraid to leave. And I’m not afraid to go. I think part of the reason why I’m leaving well is because I existed well. While I was in St. Petersburg, I was in St. Petersburg. I was all here, engaged.

Although a relatively short time period, it was so very important for me. I will look back on these four months with fondness and thanksgiving. There are so many people who have invested in my life here in St. Petersburg, and have therefore contributed to my healing and renewing and strengthening in Christ.

Another chapter is coming to a close…

I have a haunch I’ll need a seat belt for the next one.  

Twiddling my Thumbs

Here I sit, waiting as patiently as possible for June 30^th to come around. I don’t have a lot on my plate, I’m just working at Stein Mart. I’m trying to keep myself occupied, but boy, is time passing slowly! “A watched pot never boils.” Oh, truer words were never spoken.  One positive to the endless “free time” is having an opportunity to sit and ponder. I do enjoy pondering.

[Disclaimer: I’m combining several entries written over the last couple weeks into this one post, so you’ll have to excuse the choppy flow. Also, blogger has decided to individually highlight each of my paragraphs...again with the choppy flow.]

The city of St. Petersburg is set up like a grid. Avenues and streets. The lights on 1^st Ave North and 1^st Ave South are timed so that if you go exactly 40mph (not 39, not 41) you will get each one green. Pretty simple and straight forward. Go 40mph, get smooth sailing all the way down the road.

Most people don’t seem to know this. They like to go flying down the road 45mph, or even faster, reasoning that they’ll get to their destination sooner. What they don’t seem to know is going a little slower will actually get them to their destination sooner. Or, maybe they know it and choose to continue on with their own way.

Not only are they messing themselves up, but they also end up robbing me from the pleasure of getting all the lights green. They race around “the slowpoke going 40mph” and get to the red light. Then, as I’m coming to the light, I have all these cars in front of me, slowing me up and preventing me from cruising along.

Walking with God is a lot like this. He makes it pretty clear for us: “Follow me. Trust me. Give your life to me. Then, I will give you life and abundant blessings and all you could ever need.” “Go 40mph and I will give you green lights.” But, for some reason, people seem to think they can figure out a better way to do life, and they race through, trampling His beautiful plan.

Engaged

I used to think the word “engaged” was a special word that could only be used once the proposal was made and accepted. But I’ve discovered that there are actually quite a few definitions of the word:

1-involved in activity

2-greatly interested

3-being in gear

So, what am I engaged to?

You. Everyone. Everything.

It goes along well with Jim Elliot’s quote, “Wherever you are, be all there.”

Example: I’m having lunch with a friend. Therefore, I am engaged to the restaurant, the atmosphere, the friend.

Example: I am living in St. Petersburg, FL…I’m engaged to the city and the people and the life here.

In other words, I’m committed.

I’m engaged to life.

I’m involved in an activity (life).

I’m greatly interested in [it].

I am in gear [with it] (Synced up).

Cool, right?

Being fully devoted to those around you.

Becoming engrossed in the day – the weather, the circumstances, the people.

Some of you might be considering steering clear from me for a while. You had no intention of being engaged to anyone…especially me.

But, seriously, try it. Try being engaged to everyone and everything.

It’s a risk. I’ll tell you right now, heartbreak is a part of the package deal. When you put yourself out there and become fully engaged, you can get burned.

It is possible to be engaged to someone/something without really loving him/her/it for a short period of time. But a long term engagement is going to inevitably lead to love. Genuine love.  You can’t be fully engaged without the attachment of feelings.

But I think it’s worth it. I think the joy that comes with an all-out, no-looking-back, engagement outweighs the deep pain and heartache you may feel on occasion. I think you’ll end up letting life slip by if you choose to hold it loosely and merely observe it from the sidelines.

Steadfast

I think steadfastness is closely related to engagement. The Bible tells us to be steadfast, so what does that look like?

1-Firmly fixed in place

2-Immovable

3-Not subject to change 

4-Firm in belief, determination, or adherence 

5-Loyal

Like all character traits, you can’t just walk into a store and purchase it for a few dollars. It has to be attained over time. I’ve learned that you can’t have certain character traits before learning others. For example, you can’t have true joy unless you’ve known real pain.

James tells us that the testing of our faith produces steadfastness.

Enduring the trial will mold you into a person who is firmly fixed in place, who is immovable, who is not subject to change, who is firm in belief, determination, or adherence, and who is loyal.

Sounds nice to me.

I want to be engaged and steadfast. To life. To you. To Him. I want to be content with going 40mph, remembering the reward of green lights. I want to hold on tightly to life and experience all that He is giving me each day. And I, selfishly, want the pot to come to a boil a little quicker.