Waiting

In some circumstances I have a lot of patience; other times I don’t have any patience at all. I have no problem waiting in Rwanda because I understand that it’s part of the culture. I can wait in line for many minutes too long, or wait for my food for many hours too long and not think anything of it. On the other hand, I tend to be spontaneous and impulsive, and if I make my mind up to do something, I want to do it right then. I do not want to wait.

I have been praying for a very specific request for what feels like a long time. Asking God to show me His way. Asking Him to make it clear.

And He says wait.

But I don’t want to wait. I want the answer right now so I know how to move forward. So that I know how to plan my week, my year, my life.

And He says wait.

Right now, today, I don’t need to know what will be happening in the summer months, or after college graduation. Those things do not pertain to the events of today. God will give me the answers I need when I need them. He gives what we need for each day. Manna for today. One day at a time.

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.

 Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will act.

Psalm 37:4-5

I do delight in the Lord, I have committed my way to Him, and I do trust Him. So now I wait. I’m waiting for Him to reveal the desires of my heart, I’m waiting for Him to act.

And in my waiting I take matters back into my own hands because He isn’t acting fast enough. So then I have to go back and renew my delight, commit my ways once again, and reestablish my trust. And wait.

Waiting isn’t always very fun. In this day and age, especially in American culture, we want instant gratification. However, there is anticipation in waiting. Eventually the thing you are waiting for will arrive. As a kid, the month of December seems to drag on because you are so excited to open Christmas presents. The anticipation is almost unbearable, and then finally, that marvelous day arrives, and the waiting is over.

God won’t make me wait forever. He will reveal Himself and His ways to me, but I must wait. And, in the meantime, continue to delight, commit, and trust. 

God and Legos

I thought alliterating this title would be a little overkill – Legos and the Lord. (I just can’t help myself.)

When looking at Legos, some people see endless possibilities of fun. They see all the potential structures that could be built. These people tend to see through the little tiny shapes and picture a building or an airplane or who knows what else.

When I look at a pile of Legos I too see fun. But I don’t have the slightest ability to see a finished product of a building or an airplane. I wouldn’t even know where to begin if I were to actually build things out of Legos. Instead, I see colors and shapes begging to be sorted into their correct piles. And I think sorting and organizing is fun. I would much rather take the structures apart and put them back in their correct piles than pull the Legos out of their respected piles and assemble them into something.

Maybe I’m a mother-in-the-making or maybe it’s just my personality. Probably a bit of both.

What about the Lego kits? You can go to the store and buy Star Wars Legos or a box that guarantees a really cool army tank. All you have to do is open up the box and follow the rule book and in a matter of minutes your thing is assembled. Is that cheating?

The thing about enjoying sorting more than building is that I would not be the least bit upset if someone came in and decided to mix the red and blue colors together or if someone dumped all the Legos out of their bins. I wouldn’t mind this because that would mean I could start over and put them back where they belong. Once I’m done sorting, my job is done, I wouldn’t have anything to do anymore. Someone “ruining” all my hard work means I get to start all over and have something to do again.

I like to keep things nice and neat and to appear like I have my life together. Why do I do this? I’m going to venture to say that it’s not only me. I’m not the only one who would rather sort Legos than build and I’m not the only one who likes to appear like her life is put together.

Christians are really good at covering things up. Yes, we do admit to being broken sinners but even when we proclaim our brokenness we stop there. We don’t expand and communicate the ways in which we are broken or the ways in which we sin.

Is it good enough to just acknowledge the fact that we are all broken sinners in need of God? Or do we need to go ahead and say, “You know what? I told a lie yesterday.” “I looked at a woman/man today and had inappropriate thoughts about her/him.” “I had an opportunity to extend grace to someone who did not keep his word and instead I blew up and didn’t let him off the hook.”

Oh no, we don’t say such things. We just go with the generic, “I sin. I’m broken. I need Jesus.”

Is that okay? Is God okay with that?

I think the saying, “cleanliness is next to godliness” might be incorrect. I think Satan wants us to stay clean. He wants our Legos to be sorted into nice neat piles. He wants us to dress up (or at least dress presentably) every day. He wants it to appear like our lives are all put together. Cleanliness can be a trap.

However, God wants our Legos to be jumbled. If we came to Him with our colors and shapes sorted, He would have nothing to do. He loves our vulnerability. He loves our chaotic and confused piles. He loves us.  

The really cool thing is that God is a combination of both personality types. He looks at the pile of Legos and sees the fun in sorting each by color and shape and adding some organization and clarity to our lives. But it goes beyond that. He also loves to pick up the colors and shapes and combine them and turn them into really cool structures. He loves building things. He loves turning our painful pile of Legos into an unimaginably beautiful creation.

And what of the rule book for the prepackaged Legos? Is there some correlation to real life?  Maybe something about Christians looking for the rules and guidelines. Something about not wanting to step out of the comfortable box because then the Legos might get confused. Do what you want with that thought. It can be pondered or thrown away; there may not be a whole lot there.

Basically, what I’m trying to say is stop sorting your Legos. Stop trying to build things with your Legos. Go ahead and allow yourself to be an unbuilt, unsorted mess. In the long run, you’re going to end up much more attractive and likable if you don’t do the organizing and building and let God do it instead. 

Another Year

The end of a year often brings reflective thoughts. For most, a lot has happened in the last 365 days. I’m sure there have been a wide range of heartaches and joys for all of us, on various levels. Chances are there are things you want to remember for the rest of your life and other things you want to forget. 

Some of the biggest highlights of my year were the frequent traveling to surrounding countries, the amount of people I met and relationships formed, and the overwhelming presence of Jesus in my life.

In one years’ time I will have swam in three of the four oceans of the world (Indian, Atlantic, Pacific). (I don’t plan on ever getting close to the Arctic Ocean, in case you were wondering).  I started my year in Cape Town, South Africa and will be ending my year in Honolulu, Hawaii. Obviously, I set foot in quite a few other continents, countries, and states along the way.

Although it can be fun to reminisce, and even important to recall times of the past, I’ve discovered the importance of living in the present and keeping my eyes on what is ahead. The phrase from the apostle Paul, “…forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead…” has been impressed on my heart.

Basically, we are only promised this very moment. In fact, I don’t even know that I will be finishing this post. (More than likely, I will be). My thoughts should be concerned with living every moment for the glory of God, ready for Jesus’ return, and sharing the excitement with those around me. I need to be more excited about the present, more excited about the gospel, and more excited about spending eternity in heaven. I need to be intentional. Is what I am doing, at this moment, beneficial for me, for those around me, for the Kingdom?

The past is just that – it has passed. A lot of it (the past) defines who I am, but none of it defines me more than God defines me. So, as I remember the highlights of 2015, I’m choosing to focus on my identity in Christ and I’m looking forward to another year with Him. 

Home

This afternoon I pulled a scarf off the hanger and the air around me suddenly filled with the smell of Kigali. I buried my face in the scarf and breathed deeply. At that very moment I was missing Rwanda in such a fierce way. I miss Rwanda daily, but I don’t always long for it. But today, today I long for it. And I am holding the scarf close, cherishing the memories and the earthy, raw smell.

In spite of this, I know I’m not called to be there right now. I’m called to be here in Minnesota. And I’m still trying to come to terms with that, but even amidst the longings there is peace, because my home is not defined by a single, physical place. My home is in God’s presence and His presence is everywhere.

I’ve made it to Thanksgiving break. I’ve completed three months of college. Time feels like it’s passing so quickly, but at the same time it feels like I’ve been here for so long…how has it only been three months? 

God has blessed me with the opportunity to fly down to North Carolina for Thanksgiving and so here I am, bundled up in cold Minnesota, pulling my summer clothes out of Rubbermaid bins because it is going to be a whopping 60 degrees (Fahrenheit). Maybe I’ll even bring my chacos!

I’m fighting discouragement that most of my luggage weight is consisting of books and school work, so Thanksgiving break will not be much of a break. But I’m going to see my family (some of them, at least) and that thought puts a smile on my face.

The past three months have been wonderful and terrifying and heart-wrenching and beautiful and everything in between. I’m thankful for a chance to step away from campus for a week, but I’m realizing just now that I will miss my friends, and my classes, and my bed, and my life here.

God is so good. He is the source of everything I need and desire. I will be leaving my home in Minnesota to go to my home in North Carolina. And I’m about to get on an airplane and my excitement is bubbling over at that thought. And I’m thankful that I serve and love a God who goes with me wherever I go. 

Softening

Today is, as Mary Poppins would say, practically perfect in every way.

This weather is splendid. Words cannot adequately describe what it is doing to my soul.

God gives us exactly what we need when we need it. He knew I needed this brief break from the winter weather (and maybe it’s not just me that needed the pause). The weather is Rwanda-like, with a bright blue sky, warm sun, and a mild-shirt-sleeve temperature. Unlike Rwanda, the autumn colors are brilliant but quickly falling. The smell of ripe leaves is thick in the air. The lush green grass on which I am sitting (also unlike Rwanda, because I wouldn’t be allowed to sit in the grass) is hinting at turning to an ugly brown color. The Winter Solstice sun is already dipping behind the building, even though it is the middle of the afternoon.

I had to dig deep, shuffling through the corners of my heart and blow dust off forgotten shelves, but a few days ago I found myself searching for God’s gifts. God’s everyday graces. And responding in a heart of thankfulness. And so on that day of deep digging I counted…

Five geese waddling in a single line

Unexpected encounters with a friend

Rosy cheeks

And just like that, my heart began to soften. Like candle wax, the protective layer around my heart began to melt.

And God has been showing me His gifts daily. Although, knowing God, they were there all along, I was just walking with my head down.

And I am realizing how selfish I am. And how selfless He is. And that I was called, by Him, to do great and wonderful things for the Kingdom.

And I am walking with my head down.

But there He is. Always, ever present. There to lift my head in my time of trouble. And lead me on the path of truth. To soften my heart and remind me that He has given me so much to live for, to sing for, to jump and shout and proclaim and exclaim and it goes on… I know where I’m going. I know who I am in Christ. And that is enough.

I have set the Lord always before me;

Because He is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;

My flesh also dwells secure.

Psalm 16:8-9

Grasping {Another Possibility}

As much as I desperately want to throw up my hands in surrender, there is a small, match-size flicker somewhere deep inside of me. Taking punches on all sides and somehow I look straight ahead, away from the attacks, gritting my teeth, slowly pulling myself onto my knees, and from there I muster the strength to rise to my feet. And there I stand. Unarmed, weak, weary, doubtful. But I stand. And that in itself alludes to hope.

When my heart is weary, when my soul is weak

When it seems I can’t traverse the trail before me

I survey the glory of your agony

And I find the will to fight for what’s before me

'Cause you ran the race enduring for your glory

"Fix My Eyes" - Kings Kaleidoscope

I have a reason to sit down, to give up, to stop fighting.

However, I also have a reason to stand, to continue the fight.

Plain and simple, Jesus already won this battle. When He died on the cross He demolished my fears and my struggles and took care of everything past, present, and future.

He has already won this seemingly uphill and relentless battle.

So who am I to give up?

I’m not too sure what it looks like to continue fighting a battle that has already been won. But I know that I cannot sit down and allow the enemy to win.

I still have an immense amount of healing that needs to take place. My heart is still hardened and angry and confused. But there is a small flame of hope and an ambitious spirit begging to be uncovered. And there is Jesus and when He is present, fear has no power, no hold.

If things remain in darkness Satan has power over them, but when things are brought to the light Satan loses his grip and God is able to redeem.

And so, as I am reaching out into thin air, attempting to understand, grasping onto something – anything – I am bombarded with a thought: what if it doesn’t end in a white flag of surrender? What if, instead, there is an alternate ending? What if there is, dare I say, victory?

Well, because I like to try new things and I’m always up for an adventure, and I didn’t much like the idea of my previous ending, I’m going out on this limb after God and I’m exploring this possibility of victory. We’ll see where it leads…

Grasping

As I stand under the hot water, almost scalding, watching my skin turn bright red, I don’t think, I don’t feel, I just stand there. I don’t want to think or feel because it hurts too much.

Once again, I’m staring at the title of my blog and if I could laugh I would. There’s a small smirk somewhere inside of me, reacting to the irony of the blog title.

Once again, I’m in a place where I need to extend grace and suddenly Grace doesn’t have any grace to give.

But the root of that withheld-grace is a hardened heart, maybe because I’ve been hurt one too many times.

At least I thought it had been one too many times a few times ago but it keeps happening, over and over again, and I can’t get away from it. And because I can’t get away from it, a wall is built and a fear develops and threatens to creep in through the cracks of the poorly built wall, and because the wall is poorly built the fear does come in and it threatens to consume. And now my last hope to ever get away from this fear and break the cycle was demolished and so now what?

Ann Voskamp says that if we count some things as a gift from God then we must count all things as a gift from God.

How? How is this a gift?

It feels like a curse, like a heavy burden fastened to my back, like a scarlet letter embroidered on my front, revealing what must be rooted deep inside me, an identity I didn't ask for or want.

The other day in class someone wisely said, “Fear and belief cannot exist together.”

The words stung. How can I say I believe in God and receive all He has for me and thank Him for the life He has given me and count it all as joy and count it all as grace, as a gift, yet my heart is brimming with fear?

Paul says, “For freedom Christ set us free, stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.” The author of Hebrews says that we are to “throw off everything that hinders (fear) and run with perseverance, the face marked out for us."

Is this really the race marked out for me?

I try. I try to run with perseverance and break away from the yoke of slavery (fear) and I do, but then another instance occurs and the fear is aroused and I’m back to square one. And now the instances are getting closer and closer together and it happens so often that I don’t know any other way. And now my whole outlook on life is skewed and contorted.

And if fear and belief cannot exist together, I guess that means I’m in a state of disbelief.

It’s painful to admit. I’m raising my white flag of surrender and accepting this as my identity. I don’t want to be controlled by this fear but I also don’t want to fight it anymore.

[Note: As you can plainly read, this is one of my heavier posts, not ending on that usual hopeful note. Maybe you can view it as a modern day psalm. All of my posts are an act of worship. For the most part my words are God-inspired and for the purpose of encouraging those around me. In his psalms, David poured out his heart to God and so certain verses are dark and raw but he usually turns it around by the last verse or two and reminds himself of who God is and praises Him for His goodness. However, there are a few psalms of David that do not end positively. So, read this as my psalm of lament, my vulnerable plea. And don’t get too concerned, brighter posts are ahead.]