Softening

Today is, as Mary Poppins would say, practically perfect in every way.

This weather is splendid. Words cannot adequately describe what it is doing to my soul.

God gives us exactly what we need when we need it. He knew I needed this brief break from the winter weather (and maybe it’s not just me that needed the pause). The weather is Rwanda-like, with a bright blue sky, warm sun, and a mild-shirt-sleeve temperature. Unlike Rwanda, the autumn colors are brilliant but quickly falling. The smell of ripe leaves is thick in the air. The lush green grass on which I am sitting (also unlike Rwanda, because I wouldn’t be allowed to sit in the grass) is hinting at turning to an ugly brown color. The Winter Solstice sun is already dipping behind the building, even though it is the middle of the afternoon.

I had to dig deep, shuffling through the corners of my heart and blow dust off forgotten shelves, but a few days ago I found myself searching for God’s gifts. God’s everyday graces. And responding in a heart of thankfulness. And so on that day of deep digging I counted…

Five geese waddling in a single line

Unexpected encounters with a friend

Rosy cheeks

And just like that, my heart began to soften. Like candle wax, the protective layer around my heart began to melt.

And God has been showing me His gifts daily. Although, knowing God, they were there all along, I was just walking with my head down.

And I am realizing how selfish I am. And how selfless He is. And that I was called, by Him, to do great and wonderful things for the Kingdom.

And I am walking with my head down.

But there He is. Always, ever present. There to lift my head in my time of trouble. And lead me on the path of truth. To soften my heart and remind me that He has given me so much to live for, to sing for, to jump and shout and proclaim and exclaim and it goes on… I know where I’m going. I know who I am in Christ. And that is enough.

I have set the Lord always before me;

Because He is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;

My flesh also dwells secure.

Psalm 16:8-9

Grasping {Another Possibility}

As much as I desperately want to throw up my hands in surrender, there is a small, match-size flicker somewhere deep inside of me. Taking punches on all sides and somehow I look straight ahead, away from the attacks, gritting my teeth, slowly pulling myself onto my knees, and from there I muster the strength to rise to my feet. And there I stand. Unarmed, weak, weary, doubtful. But I stand. And that in itself alludes to hope.

When my heart is weary, when my soul is weak

When it seems I can’t traverse the trail before me

I survey the glory of your agony

And I find the will to fight for what’s before me

'Cause you ran the race enduring for your glory

"Fix My Eyes" - Kings Kaleidoscope

I have a reason to sit down, to give up, to stop fighting.

However, I also have a reason to stand, to continue the fight.

Plain and simple, Jesus already won this battle. When He died on the cross He demolished my fears and my struggles and took care of everything past, present, and future.

He has already won this seemingly uphill and relentless battle.

So who am I to give up?

I’m not too sure what it looks like to continue fighting a battle that has already been won. But I know that I cannot sit down and allow the enemy to win.

I still have an immense amount of healing that needs to take place. My heart is still hardened and angry and confused. But there is a small flame of hope and an ambitious spirit begging to be uncovered. And there is Jesus and when He is present, fear has no power, no hold.

If things remain in darkness Satan has power over them, but when things are brought to the light Satan loses his grip and God is able to redeem.

And so, as I am reaching out into thin air, attempting to understand, grasping onto something – anything – I am bombarded with a thought: what if it doesn’t end in a white flag of surrender? What if, instead, there is an alternate ending? What if there is, dare I say, victory?

Well, because I like to try new things and I’m always up for an adventure, and I didn’t much like the idea of my previous ending, I’m going out on this limb after God and I’m exploring this possibility of victory. We’ll see where it leads…

Grasping

As I stand under the hot water, almost scalding, watching my skin turn bright red, I don’t think, I don’t feel, I just stand there. I don’t want to think or feel because it hurts too much.

Once again, I’m staring at the title of my blog and if I could laugh I would. There’s a small smirk somewhere inside of me, reacting to the irony of the blog title.

Once again, I’m in a place where I need to extend grace and suddenly Grace doesn’t have any grace to give.

But the root of that withheld-grace is a hardened heart, maybe because I’ve been hurt one too many times.

At least I thought it had been one too many times a few times ago but it keeps happening, over and over again, and I can’t get away from it. And because I can’t get away from it, a wall is built and a fear develops and threatens to creep in through the cracks of the poorly built wall, and because the wall is poorly built the fear does come in and it threatens to consume. And now my last hope to ever get away from this fear and break the cycle was demolished and so now what?

Ann Voskamp says that if we count some things as a gift from God then we must count all things as a gift from God.

How? How is this a gift?

It feels like a curse, like a heavy burden fastened to my back, like a scarlet letter embroidered on my front, revealing what must be rooted deep inside me, an identity I didn't ask for or want.

The other day in class someone wisely said, “Fear and belief cannot exist together.”

The words stung. How can I say I believe in God and receive all He has for me and thank Him for the life He has given me and count it all as joy and count it all as grace, as a gift, yet my heart is brimming with fear?

Paul says, “For freedom Christ set us free, stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.” The author of Hebrews says that we are to “throw off everything that hinders (fear) and run with perseverance, the face marked out for us."

Is this really the race marked out for me?

I try. I try to run with perseverance and break away from the yoke of slavery (fear) and I do, but then another instance occurs and the fear is aroused and I’m back to square one. And now the instances are getting closer and closer together and it happens so often that I don’t know any other way. And now my whole outlook on life is skewed and contorted.

And if fear and belief cannot exist together, I guess that means I’m in a state of disbelief.

It’s painful to admit. I’m raising my white flag of surrender and accepting this as my identity. I don’t want to be controlled by this fear but I also don’t want to fight it anymore.

[Note: As you can plainly read, this is one of my heavier posts, not ending on that usual hopeful note. Maybe you can view it as a modern day psalm. All of my posts are an act of worship. For the most part my words are God-inspired and for the purpose of encouraging those around me. In his psalms, David poured out his heart to God and so certain verses are dark and raw but he usually turns it around by the last verse or two and reminds himself of who God is and praises Him for His goodness. However, there are a few psalms of David that do not end positively. So, read this as my psalm of lament, my vulnerable plea. And don’t get too concerned, brighter posts are ahead.]

Mountaintop Experiences

Recently on Facebook, my mom posted a picture of me on top of Table Mountain in South Africa. It was so good to see that picture and allow memories to wash over me. I loved hiking Table Mountain, but even more than the hike, I loved the view at the top.

Upon reaching the top of the mountain, my fellow hikers and I took pictures in attempt to capture the beauty of it all. But, inevitably, we had to begin our decent downward sooner or later. We could only sit up there and drink in the splendor for so long. We couldn’t stay there forever.

In My Utmost for His Highest Oswald Chambers talks about not forgetting what God revealed to you in the mountaintop experiences, especially while you are down in the valley. Chambers warns us that valley-times of our relationship with God will come. We can’t stay on the mountaintop forever. But the question is: how do we handle the valley experiences? Do we forget what He showed us? Or do we cling to it?

While I was in Rwanda God made things pretty clear to me. And then I got to college and contemplated jumping the ship. I picture an American football team who meets in the locker room before a big game. They’re in a huddle, getting pumped, the coach is building them up and reviewing the game plan. Ready? Break! The team goes out to the field, sees their competition and starts to sweat. The opposing team is bigger than they thought. The whistle blows and suddenly the team, who was so ready just moments before, starts running every which way, in utter chaos, abandoning the plan, going into survival mode. And why? If they would just stick with the plan the coach had laid before them, they would have made the play and potentially won the game.

Unfortunately I reacted in a very similar way once I got to college. It’s not necessarily that I abandoned the plan, I just panicked and then forgot the plan. I started to question everything. I faced doubt and discouragement on a daily, even hourly, basis. Did I hear God right? Is this the right major? Does He really want me to go to college here…or at all?

Freeze.

Satan cannot exist on the mountaintop. It’s easy to hear God loud and clear because there aren’t any distractions, temptations, or degrading voices. But, Satan lurks in the shadows in the crevices of the mountain and in the dark places of the valley, waiting there to steer you off track.

And I didn’t see it coming.

I began my decent down the mountain, lost my footing, and then somersaulted, rather ungracefully, to the bottom.

I forgot. I forgot what God revealed to me on my mountaintop experience. I forgot the game plan.

Before leaving Rwanda, I knew, with confidence, that God laid this major and this college before me. This is where He wants me; this is what He is calling me to do.

I’m back on two feet again (hence the blog post). That’s the beauty of Jesus. He comes down and wades around in the muddy water with you until you can see the path again.

I have to keep hiking. I have to keep climbing. I have to remember what He once showed me. It’s a fierce battle, fighting off doubt and discouragement, but I have Him on my side, fighting hard with me, for me.

Really, college is great. I like the school, I like my friends, I like my roommates, and I like my classes. I have nothing to complain about. I will march on, one day at a time, trusting in Him and His great plan. 

Traveling on African Roads in America

College is probably one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. It’s scarier than riding on the back of my dad’s motorcycle through Kicukiro….yes, it’s that scary.

If I didn’t have Jesus I’d be an absolute basket case right now. He is the only reason why both my feet hit the ground in the morning, the reason why I walk through each day with a somehow-smile on my face, and the reason why I make it into my bed each night.

Culture shock is creeping up on me and attempting to drown me but the Spirit keeps whispering, Fix your eyes on Jesus. Fix your eyes on Jesus. Stress, fear, longings, and anxiety creep in but the Spirit keeps whispering, Fix your eyes on Jesus.

I’ve been struggling with worship ever since leaving Rwanda. My heart isn’t in it. Everyone around me has their arms lifted and they are singing loudly and I’m reading the words but my heart can’t sing. I don’t get this American style of worship anymore.

It feels like there is an expectation or demand for this fancy spiritual life. Who can sing louder, who can close their eyes tighter, who can pray longer, etc. It feels like our relationship with God is measured by others.

After reflecting on this for a while, I think it’s important to not stray too far from the gospel. We (I) know the gospel forward and backward, but then we (I) tend to move on from it and focus on other aspects of Him, which is good, but it’s crowding out the gospel. The God of all creation loves me so much that He sent His only Son to rescue me so that I could live forever with Him. Period.

Ah, it’s like a breath of fresh air. Yes, the gospel. Sweet, simple, beautiful.

I know that we’re all at different places in our walk with the Lord and so I’m not about to judge anyone for the way he or she is worshiping or the place where they currently are with God. I think though that for me, He is wanting me to just live in the truth of the gospel.

Another thing that I’ve been struggling with is time. The word makes me cringe. I show up to class “on time” and the room is already full and I have to excuse myself as I climb over people and make my way to the back of the room. This morning church started six minutes early. I’m American, for goodness sake, I was that one in Rwanda that was showing up to things 30 minutes late, on purpose, so that I could be on time and I was still early. And I guess it rubbed off on me because now I can’t seem to be on time for anything.

There are still beautiful gifts from God all around me. Subtle reminders of His love for me and His presence in my life. Today the weather is beautiful. I haven’t experienced whether this wonderful since leaving Rwanda. And I think that God gave me this weather because He loves me and He knows I need it.

I’m going to make it. I’m going to run through this race (of college) with my eyes fixed on Jesus. The road will be rough. It will be dark. (Can we all imagine an unlit, African dirt road and smile because (1) I love those roads so much and (2) that is exactly the kinds of road He has me traveling on right now. Ah, the irony. He brought me to the land of smooth, paved roads so that we could walk on dirt ones.) I can’t promise positive, funny, and encouraging blog posts every day. All I can do is cling to His promises and keep my eyes fixed on Him. 

Another New Home

I’ve spent the last week in Minnesota at the University of Northwestern and it has been awesome – I mean that in the holiest way possible. I had never seen Northwestern prior to moving in on Wednesday so I really didn’t know what I was getting into. I knew that God was calling me to this school for reasons that He has not yet revealed to me, so here I am, richly and abundantly blessed.

From the moment I sent in my deposit to Northwestern back in March I have had a peace that surpasses all my understanding and confidence to start a new life here, in a new country, a new state, a new culture. This is what God is asking of me for the next three to four years, so here I am.

And now I want to shout from the mountaintops. Our God is so good! Now that I’m here on campus I’ve been awestruck by how His ways are so much better than my ways. I’m thankful that He led me to this school, that He had this school in mind for me a long time ago.

The direction that my life has gone thus far is not at all what I expected. When you give God control of your life, exciting things happen! Excitement doesn’t necessarily mean that you get to move all over the world and experience a bunch of different cultures; it just means that you live a life of whimsy, a life out of control. You never really know what to expect, so everything is a beautiful surprise.

So, a couple things about my new home:

1-     It’s cold. I know, I know, you guys all tried to tell me. God certainly has a sense of humor sending this African girl to the north.

2-      I have way more friends than I ever thought possible for an introvert. But I like them all…especially my fellow TCKs. Although exhausting, meeting new people has its elements of fun.

3-      I have two really cool roommates. That’s another way that God has really blessed my college experience thus far.

4-      Oh, and I broke my first law of Minnesota today. One of my roommates and a Honduran friend rode our bikes to a local coffee shop and to Wal-mart. Apparently, riding your bike on the main road is illegal, which I didn’t know, as I made a left-hand turn and went out into traffic, while my two friends went straight on the quiet neighborhood road. Thankfully, nothing really happened, so this story just got pretty anti-climactic. I navigated my way back to my friends and it really wasn’t a big deal. But just so you know, if you ever come to Minnesota, be careful where you ride your bike.

Classes start tomorrow and I’m really ready to get started, which I guess is a good thing considering the fact that I don’t have a choice. I know that I’m in an exposed place, susceptible to attack, because I’m exactly where God wants me and mountaintop experiences can’t last forever. Praise God with me for His faithfulness and great plan for my life and pray with me for His protection and continued guidance.

Also, a few of you have asked for my address so here it is:

Grace Gaskill, MC# 1740

University of Northwestern

3003 Snelling Avenue N.

St. Paul, Minnesota 55113

On the Road Again

One of my roommates just sent me a text that said, “Warning: It is cold today.” When I asked her what that meant she said, “A high of 64 and rainy.”

Yes ma’am, that is cold. Thanks for giving me time to get prepared!

It’s going to be a long winter. Starting August 18^th and ending…whenever I move down south again.

Currently, we’re stuck in a long line of traffic on a two-lane road in the wide-open fields of Indiana. 

Inching along at 4mph. Did we take a wrong turn somewhere? Well, apparently, “they” closed down the whole of I-65 and detoured us through the corn.

In all our traveling, we’ve passed by many signs announcing the location of various universities and colleges. With each state we’ve driven through, with each sign I’ve read, and with every warning of the cold winter that is about to be upon me, there is not a doubt in my mind that I’ve chosen the right school. God has led me to the University of Northwestern and I can’t wait to get there.

I used to be so afraid of making decisions. Little decisions like what to eat and what to wear, and big decisions like where to go to college. But, I’ve learned that the only decision I need to make is whether or not I’m going follow Jesus. Yes or no. Once you make that decision, all the other decisions fall in to place.

Going to college is a big deal. It has elements of being really scary. But I chose to follow Jesus and so everything is going to be okay.

There are exciting things on the horizon that God has placed before me and is allowing me to experience. I can feel the prayers and support of so many of my friends and family members. I’m grateful for all the encouraging words and the amount of people who have welcomed me into their homes and lives.  I’ve had a good two weeks in America, getting ready for college, and now it’s time…well, we still have some more hours of driving on the road before it’s time. But we’re close!