Road Trip

Origination: St. Petersburg, Florida

Destination: St. Paul, Minnesota

The road trip started around 4:30(EST) this morning, embarking from one set of grandparent’s house and ending our day in High Point, North Carolina with another set of grandparents. 4 states and 12 hours of driving.

Observation: Driving is much less eventful in America than it is in Rwanda, what with the straight and smooth roads and carefully obeyed traffic laws.

Technically this trip started out 6 days ago in Kigali, Rwanda. It was just an air trip at that point in time, not a road trip. 3 countries, 3 airplanes, and 27 hours of travel time.

I didn’t think that the move from Kigali to St. Paul would be that big of a deal but now that I’m in the middle of it, it does kind of seem like a long way.

The last 5 days have mainly been filled with observation and trying to remember how this culture works. Fast walking, loud talking, bright lights, air conditioning, certain phrases said in conversations that don’t mean what I think it means…things like that. It definitely doesn’t classify as culture shock, more like culture adjustment.  

I have a lot of adjustments ahead of me as I not only move from one country to another country, but also from a southern state in America to a state so far north it may as well be in the Arctic Circle. And then there’s the adjustment of living on a college campus and going back to school. But it’s all okay because this is what God has asked me to do in this season of my life and no adjustment or transition is bigger than He is.

There’s this passage that I keep going back to in my transition and desire for home: Hebrews 11:13b-16

 …having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, this is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared for them a city.

In all of my moving around, there is no place here on earth that will satisfy my need for a home. I’m desiring something much bigger. And so I’ll hold on to all these things loosely, while still embracing them fully, and making the most of what God has laid before me. 

A Good Note to End On

After graduating high school I spent 13 months in America floundering like a fish out of water, knowing deep in my heart that God had something bigger in store for me. Then, I moved back to Rwanda and have spent the last 13 months thriving like a fish in water.

It’s been 26 months since I graduated high school? Yikes.

And now my 26 gap-months are coming to an end and it’s time to go back to America. But this time I’m ready. I’m so ready. God has prepared my heart and given me peace and confidence. What more do I need?

I’m down to my last full day in Rwanda, but before I go let’s reminisce a bit…

From July 1^st, 2014 to August 4^th, 2015 I experienced rest (first and foremost), new relationships, an internship with a USAID organization, various trips around Rwanda, traveling to South Africa, to Uganda, to the UAE, and to Kenya, working with Young Life, tutoring and instrument lessons, playing my clarinet, directing a music camp, volunteering with various children’s ministries, and lots and lots of babysitting.

It has been a remarkable year. I’m really overcome with love and thankfulness.

My heart is mixed. It’s ready to go and yet longing to remain.

I will miss driving my scooter around town, zipping through traffic. However, I will not miss being run off the road by buses and trucks, being bullied by motos, and that ever-present helmet hair.

I probably won’t miss the electricity and water inconsistencies.

I’ll miss Rwandan buffets and Vitamilk biscuits and Digestives, and Stoney. (Although, I do have enough Stoney packed in my suitcase to get me through my first semester.)

A delicious ginger soft drink

I’ll miss funny and confusing conversations in broken Kinyarwanda/English/French.

I probably won’t miss being stared at all the time.

I’ll miss the eagerness to lend a helping hand every time I get a flat tire or run out of gas. (One or the other happens at least once a month and there are always people around ready to help push my scooter to the nearest station.)

I’ll miss my expat friends/family and the relationships I have here.

I’ll cherish all of these memories.

I marvel at how God has used all these people and places and opportunities of the last 13 months to continue to shape me and grow me and bring me closer to Him and guide me on the path He has called me to. 

To Love Well. To End Well.

Rwanda is hazy, dry and dusty and lacking it’s obvious beauty. The beauty is still there but it’s just not so visible right now, during this dry season. Isn’t that how our own lives are? We go through dry seasons and we look ugly and we lack some of the surface-level, visible beauty. But we’re still the same people. We’re still beautiful; we’re just going through a dry season. Give it another two months or so and Rwanda will be luscious again.

Rwanda also feels strangely quiet to me but maybe that’s because I’ve spent the last three weeks yelling my lungs out at a summer camp. But still, for Rwanda, I’m wondering, Where is everyone? Why is it so quiet? I too am quiet and reflective. Since leaving camp on Saturday afternoon, I’ve probably said about a tenth of the amount of words I used during the last three weeks. My brain is overstimulated.

As most of you know, Adam, Miles, and I went to Kenya to work at/attend Camp BlueSky. There are six sessions of camp, all one week long and we were planning to be there for the third and fourth sessions. But after just one week of camp we were hooked. So hooked that Adam and I changed our flight. Miles stayed for two weeks and then flew back to Rwanda. I stayed for one more week and got back to Rwanda on Saturday night and Adam is still at camp, but he’ll be returning this Saturday.

There is something really special about BlueSky. On July 3^rd, as we were driving down the long approach road to camp we encountered giraffes, zebra, and wildebeests. Adam got out of the car and tried to chase down a giraffe, until he got his hair caught in an acacia tree. That is a hilarious and beautiful picture I will always have in my head. 

This picture was taken from a rock a few kilometers from camp.
The white tent in the distance is where we ate all our meals.

The BlueSky staff readily welcomed us into their community even though we were jumping in mid-summer and they had already spent so much time together. I was humbled, encouraged, and blessed by all the staff, countless times, throughout my three weeks with them…and I’m shocked that it was only three weeks because I feel as if I’ve known them for much longer and my heart is confused by the quick attachment and severing.

My first week of camp I was a counselor for the oldest age group. I had seven 15-18-year old girls in my cabin and I loved them before I even knew them. As I was sitting on the porch waiting for the girls to arrive, God poured His love into me so intensely, so intentionally, for these girls. And I spent all week just longing to be with them…similar to how God just longs to be with us, all the time. We went camping and hiking and white-water rafting and rock climbing and teetering across a high-ropes course. One of the girls in my cabin accepted Christ into her life! By the end of the week I was filled with such a fierce level of joy and was on a high that I didn’t ever want to end.

But, alas, the week did come to an end and for my second week of camp I was placed in a cabin of six 13-year old girls. I came down from my emotional high of the previous week at such a rapid pace that I could feel my head pounding and the blood rushing in my ears. My love that I had for my previous cabin had been all used up on those girls and I hadn’t bothered to ask God to refill me. I started the week, dry, depleted, dusty, ugly…similar to the current state of Rwanda. Members of the BlueSky staffed rallied with me and prayed off the attacks of the devil. I fought hard and God pulled me through to a place where I was able to be with the girls in my new cabin and hear them and love them. Even though it wasn’t anywhere near the level of fun and love and joy from the first week, I can still say that it was a good week because it was redemptive and Jesus was present.

And then came time for week three and I had a cabin full of 14-year old girls, ten to be exact. During my first two weeks I had a co-counselor so I was able to share the responsibilities of getting people to bed and dressed in the morning and to and fro various activities, etc. But for my last week I was alone, with ten girls, the largest cabin I had yet. It was a good week, it really was. The girls opened up and confessed things to me and we were able to pray together and work towards feeling free from what was binding them.

There are so many traditions within Camp BlueSky and activities that I was thrilled to be a part of. Looking at my three weeks as a whole, it was fun and loud and beautiful and confirming. I’m grateful for those of you who supported Adam, Miles, and me and our trip to Camp BlueSky. It was eye-opening and life-changing for all three of us. I love my brothers so much and I’m really glad I had one last opportunity to take a trip with them and experience this together.

Personally, I learned things about my own life and received another round of healing from my past. I became a much more consistent prayer. “Be joyful always, pray continuously, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (The verse that God gave me in Grade 11 when I asked Him what His will for my life was….and four years later, we’re still working on it.) I prayed steadily for three weeks for my girls, for my fellow counselors, for camp as a whole. And I saw prayers being answered, which only made me want to pray more! I also gained a lot of confidence for my future. I’m about to embark on a journey that has aspects of being daunting. So far my track record with university doesn’t look too hot but God used my time at camp to show me that I can confidently board my plane next Tuesday and dive in, head first, into this new adventure that He is calling me to. He will provide friendships for me and love and grace and joy and peace and everything that He has already so powerfully worked within me; He will continue to give it to me and I will be okay.

And now I have one week to wrap up my time in Rwanda. To seek closure. To end well. My heart aches but it’s also warm and beating with hope and love and peace.  

I Forgot my Pants

I love mornings in Kigali. The equator-sun slowly warming up the cool air from the previous night, the singing birds, the people waking and beginning their treks to work, the traffic picking up…and then before I know it, Kigali is buzzing. But, let’s be honest…I love all times of day in Kigali. The buzzing mid-mornings, the afternoons, the evenings….it’s all so great.

I forgot that we’re in the month of July now and so I went to Kimironko market today. That was a mistake. Without a doubt there were more foreigners than locals at the market because it’s July and all the tour groups are overrunning the city. They were loud and clueless and I got in and out as fast as possible. Except, I left a pair of my jeans in someone’s stall and I forgot to get maracuja passion fruit so I had to make another trip back to the market within that same hour. Oh well, at least the weather was nice….remember, I love Kigali at all times of the day.

Ever since February I’ve been dreaming and planning Injyana Camp. Injyana Camp is Rwanda’s first ever summer music camp and it’s a branch off of Injyana Ensembles and our family’s ministry in this country. 55 kids attended our camp. All 55 kids experienced the love of Christ throughout one of the two weeks of camp. One kid accepted Christ into his life and one kid came to us with a lot of questions at the end of the week.

I spent a lot of hours preparing for camp and it ended up being two of the best weeks of my life. I wish YOU had been there. I wish every single one of you had the opportunity to witness and experience this music camp. The campers had a blast, the staff had a blast…I had a blast. The music, the learning, the fun and games. But the thing is, camp was above and beyond how I imagined it to be. God did things during the camp to make it so great. If it was only the work I had done it would not have been nearly as great as it really was. I did a little bit, but God did a lot. He did far more than I ever asked or imagined.

Adam, Miles, and I are flying up to Kenya in the morning. We’ll be attending and serving at a summer camp that is similar to Young Life, which is a ministry that the three of us have been involved with all year. We were encouraged to raise support for our two weeks in Kenya, and as of this past Sunday, we’re fully funded!

Here’s a cool story: The amount I advertised was actually about $15 less than the total amount that we needed, and I figured that we could just cover the difference. But God had other things in mind. Even though the webpage showed that we only needed $35 to reach our goal, our very last supporter gave us $50. What is $50 minus $35?…$15. It is so cool how God works everything out for us, but ultimately, for His glory. And even when we try to do it on our own, God just says, “No, no...give it to Me, I’ll handle it.” And He does.

I feel like I have a lot more to say on all of these aforementioned topics, but that’ll just have to come in my next post after I return from Kenya. I’ve officially entered my last month of my gap-year and I’m at peace. Soon, very soon, I’ll be boarding yet another plane, but this time it will be to America and I’ll be saying good-bye to my beloved East Africa. I’m taking every day for what it’s worth and cherishing the moments and I’m heading out to spend the next two weeks at an adventure camp!

Tough Love

On Monday our umudugudu neighborhood thought it would be a good idea to bring in some fresh dirt to smooth out the road. And when I say fresh dirt I mean beautiful dark, thick soil. On Monday afternoon it rained. And when I say rain I mean poured. And our already bad, neck-wrenching dirt road turned into a pig’s heaven.

On Monday night Adam and I got home after dark. As I cautiously navigated my way down the road I eventually reached a point where my scooter would not go any further. Adam and I then found ourselves ankle-deep in mud pushing my scooter up the hill to our house.

I was mad. I was mad that my feet and my shoes and my pants were dirty. I was mad that the umudugudu brought fresh dirt in when it’s the middle of the rainy season and it’s more likely going to rain than not. And, if you read one of my posts from a few months ago you know that the real problem lies in the drainage (or lack of) system.

The rain continued on Tuesday and I spent most of that day slip-sliding around on the dirt roads. By Tuesday night I was fed up.

But dirt roads are something that I’m thankful for – I see beauty in them.

Why am I mad and frustrated and fed up with the very thing that I love?

I’ve been wrestling with the concept of love for my whole life. Recently, in the last few months, I feel like I’ve gotten a pretty good understanding of it. But now I’m being challenged. I say I understand love, but do I really? It goes so far beyond blissful days. If you can love in spite of the ugly, then you’re really loving.

That’s what Jesus did/does. He loves in spite of our ugly.

Dirt roads are such a simple thing. In light of who Jesus is and what He has done. And here I am hung up on something that doesn’t even have feelings.

I think the bottom line is that up until a few days ago I viewed dirt roads as a gift from God. And now the roads have changed and they got me dirty. And now I’m ready to give up on dirt roads and fund the paving of roads – particularly our road.

Could I be any more selfish?

God gave me dirt roads and I’m giving them back to Him saying I don’t want them because they’re not so fun anymore.

Imagine: We all have close friends. People change, it’s a part of life. People hurt us and get us dirty, it’s a part of life. Do we give up on our friends and go out looking for newer, better ones?

I’m still not at a place where I can see the beauty in the dirt roads on this particular day or week. I’m still pretty frustrated with them. But I think that’s okay. Because now I know that it’s a heart issue. It’s a part of me growing and having a bigger understanding, and ultimately, a bigger, richer, fuller love. 

Eyes Wide Open

Searching.

Rustling pages of Bible.

Frantically scribbling down new revelations.

Searching.

Arms open.

Eyes open.

Heart open.

Searching.

Expectantly waiting.

This is me – I’m feeling full and satisfied yet I’m hungry and can’t seem to get enough.

I recently reread Ann Voskamp’s book, 1000 Gifts. She talks about finding God’s gifts in everyday life, and she actually goes even beyond that in saying that everything, good and bad, is all a gift. It’s all grace.

She’s given me a lot to think about, and has also inspired me to go searching for His gifts again. I started keeping a “gift journal” in July 2013, when I first read her book, but then life got hard and I became restless and I stopped counting gifts. God still continued to give the gifts even when I wasn’t really looking for them. I noticed a few, jotted them down, but didn’t maintain consistency.

Last month I started counting again. It’s been like a breath of fresh air to live every day so expectantly. Waiting to see what gifts God is going to give me today.

Last week, Adam and I went to Dubai and Sharjah, two emirates of the United Arab Emirates. We had fun exploring and diving into a new culture together, but if I’m going to be completely honest, it was a hard week for me. It is a country consumed by Islam and worldly things. It is a country that says, “Look at what we (man) has accomplished!” They have record-breaking architectural structures, and man-made…everything. They even have plans for building an air-conditioned beach. They have taken everything natural, everything God-made, and turned it into a self-righteous place.  

I searched and searched for God’s gifts in Dubai and Sharjah. Even the night sky was starless. My heart felt void. Is God not there?

I believe He is there, because I believe God is everywhere. But, goodness gracious, He is so sequestered. It’s heartbreaking.

When I got off the plane in Kigali, Rwanda on Saturday night it was as if God bombarded me with gift after gift. The smells. The sights. The sounds. It reeked of Jesus and His love for me. Everything was singing for Him. I’ve said it before, and I’ll continue to say it – Rwanda is a beautiful place.

I love this life He has given me.

And so I will continue

Searching.

With arms open.

Eyes open.

Heart open.

Drawing closer.

Expectantly waiting.

Quick-fixes

The road leading to our house is a beautiful disaster. It could easily be mistaken for a dried-up creek bed. It’s a rough and bumpy ride.

A couple weeks ago the neighborhood got together and leveled out some piles of dirt, assuming that it would smooth the road a bit. The problem is really not the road. The problem is the drainage system. It rained later that afternoon and all of the morning’s hard work was washed away, along with my dreams of ever being able to drive on a flat road.

The neighborhood could continually come together, week after week, to fix the road, but until they fix the drainage system their efforts are in vain. Yes, leveling out some dirt will be cheaper and take less time than repairing a drainage system, but ultimately, it’s for the best to go to the root of the problem.

Here is another less significant example: A friend gave me a necklace for Christmas and the chain broke only a few weeks later. I’ve gone into town multiple times to try to get it fixed but every time I go, the man who can fix it is not there. Finally, in my frustration, I decided to try to fix it myself. It held up for about a day and then fell apart again. Then, I grabbed the duct tape. This is ridiculous and gaudy, walking around with a necklace duct taped together. I wanted to go into town and get it fixed the first time, and now here I am three months later, and I still have a broken necklace because I’m continually trying “quick-fixes” and not going ahead and getting it fixed (or replaced) all the way.

I find this is even true in my own life. When something gets a little off kilter in my life, I want to quickly clean up the surface so that I can go on with a good appearance. Digging down to the roots just takes too much time and effort. At the time, it feels like it’s better to do a “quick-fix” but I know that in the long run I’ll be glad I dug way down.

This is something I feel like God has been bringing to my attention for the past few weeks and I didn’t fully understand what He was getting at until last night at house church when we started talking about patience.

So, it’s not that God has been trying to teach me that quick-fixes are bad (because sometimes, a lot of the time, it’s good to be able to know how to think quickly and fix situations) I think He has really been trying to get me to look at my heart and see my impatience.

There are actually two different types of patience. There is patience in waiting and patience in affliction. I’m pretty sure I could use work in both areas. Before last night I would consider myself to be a pretty patient person. I never lose my temper, I’m always willing to give people another chance, and I continually come at concepts, ideas, and projects from different angles until I finally get it.  But then we talked about antonyms of patience: disquiet of the spirt, discontentment (which is actually the daughter of pride), prejudice, and self-righteousness.

There are a lot of times during the day when I find myself frustrated that something isn’t happening in my own timing (patience in waiting) or when I have been praying for clear answers and am just not getting them (again, waiting) and even when God is trying to do some cleaning out in my heart and I move Him along (patience in affliction).

Yes, there are definitely areas where I can slow down a bit, practice patience, and not rush right over to the “quick-fixes.”

So, speaking of patiently waiting….a couple months ago I thought I would be leaving Rwanda at the end of May. I had a lot of ideas and possibilities for the summer and was sure that I was supposed to be done in Rwanda by then. Every single one of my summer ideas outside of Rwanda fell through and every single idea that popped up inside of Rwanda is working out. So, I’ll be leaving Kigali, Rwanda on August 4^th with my mother who will be accompanying me in my big transition back to the States for university. We booked out tickets last night, so it’s really official. This only gives me about five more months here with my family, in this great country, in East Africa.

My schedule is pretty full on a day to day basis and we have quite a few “summer” (technically “winter” here in the southern hemisphere) music camps on the horizon. I’m learning the importance of daily down times, and in those times, the importance of getting my replenishment and answers from Him.

Here it is early March and I’m trying to stay cool on a sweltering day, grateful that I still have five months, thankful for the life God has given me, anticipating the future, and patiently waiting.