Tough Love

On Monday our umudugudu neighborhood thought it would be a good idea to bring in some fresh dirt to smooth out the road. And when I say fresh dirt I mean beautiful dark, thick soil. On Monday afternoon it rained. And when I say rain I mean poured. And our already bad, neck-wrenching dirt road turned into a pig’s heaven.

On Monday night Adam and I got home after dark. As I cautiously navigated my way down the road I eventually reached a point where my scooter would not go any further. Adam and I then found ourselves ankle-deep in mud pushing my scooter up the hill to our house.

I was mad. I was mad that my feet and my shoes and my pants were dirty. I was mad that the umudugudu brought fresh dirt in when it’s the middle of the rainy season and it’s more likely going to rain than not. And, if you read one of my posts from a few months ago you know that the real problem lies in the drainage (or lack of) system.

The rain continued on Tuesday and I spent most of that day slip-sliding around on the dirt roads. By Tuesday night I was fed up.

But dirt roads are something that I’m thankful for – I see beauty in them.

Why am I mad and frustrated and fed up with the very thing that I love?

I’ve been wrestling with the concept of love for my whole life. Recently, in the last few months, I feel like I’ve gotten a pretty good understanding of it. But now I’m being challenged. I say I understand love, but do I really? It goes so far beyond blissful days. If you can love in spite of the ugly, then you’re really loving.

That’s what Jesus did/does. He loves in spite of our ugly.

Dirt roads are such a simple thing. In light of who Jesus is and what He has done. And here I am hung up on something that doesn’t even have feelings.

I think the bottom line is that up until a few days ago I viewed dirt roads as a gift from God. And now the roads have changed and they got me dirty. And now I’m ready to give up on dirt roads and fund the paving of roads – particularly our road.

Could I be any more selfish?

God gave me dirt roads and I’m giving them back to Him saying I don’t want them because they’re not so fun anymore.

Imagine: We all have close friends. People change, it’s a part of life. People hurt us and get us dirty, it’s a part of life. Do we give up on our friends and go out looking for newer, better ones?

I’m still not at a place where I can see the beauty in the dirt roads on this particular day or week. I’m still pretty frustrated with them. But I think that’s okay. Because now I know that it’s a heart issue. It’s a part of me growing and having a bigger understanding, and ultimately, a bigger, richer, fuller love. 

Eyes Wide Open

Searching.

Rustling pages of Bible.

Frantically scribbling down new revelations.

Searching.

Arms open.

Eyes open.

Heart open.

Searching.

Expectantly waiting.

This is me – I’m feeling full and satisfied yet I’m hungry and can’t seem to get enough.

I recently reread Ann Voskamp’s book, 1000 Gifts. She talks about finding God’s gifts in everyday life, and she actually goes even beyond that in saying that everything, good and bad, is all a gift. It’s all grace.

She’s given me a lot to think about, and has also inspired me to go searching for His gifts again. I started keeping a “gift journal” in July 2013, when I first read her book, but then life got hard and I became restless and I stopped counting gifts. God still continued to give the gifts even when I wasn’t really looking for them. I noticed a few, jotted them down, but didn’t maintain consistency.

Last month I started counting again. It’s been like a breath of fresh air to live every day so expectantly. Waiting to see what gifts God is going to give me today.

Last week, Adam and I went to Dubai and Sharjah, two emirates of the United Arab Emirates. We had fun exploring and diving into a new culture together, but if I’m going to be completely honest, it was a hard week for me. It is a country consumed by Islam and worldly things. It is a country that says, “Look at what we (man) has accomplished!” They have record-breaking architectural structures, and man-made…everything. They even have plans for building an air-conditioned beach. They have taken everything natural, everything God-made, and turned it into a self-righteous place.  

I searched and searched for God’s gifts in Dubai and Sharjah. Even the night sky was starless. My heart felt void. Is God not there?

I believe He is there, because I believe God is everywhere. But, goodness gracious, He is so sequestered. It’s heartbreaking.

When I got off the plane in Kigali, Rwanda on Saturday night it was as if God bombarded me with gift after gift. The smells. The sights. The sounds. It reeked of Jesus and His love for me. Everything was singing for Him. I’ve said it before, and I’ll continue to say it – Rwanda is a beautiful place.

I love this life He has given me.

And so I will continue

Searching.

With arms open.

Eyes open.

Heart open.

Drawing closer.

Expectantly waiting.

Quick-fixes

The road leading to our house is a beautiful disaster. It could easily be mistaken for a dried-up creek bed. It’s a rough and bumpy ride.

A couple weeks ago the neighborhood got together and leveled out some piles of dirt, assuming that it would smooth the road a bit. The problem is really not the road. The problem is the drainage system. It rained later that afternoon and all of the morning’s hard work was washed away, along with my dreams of ever being able to drive on a flat road.

The neighborhood could continually come together, week after week, to fix the road, but until they fix the drainage system their efforts are in vain. Yes, leveling out some dirt will be cheaper and take less time than repairing a drainage system, but ultimately, it’s for the best to go to the root of the problem.

Here is another less significant example: A friend gave me a necklace for Christmas and the chain broke only a few weeks later. I’ve gone into town multiple times to try to get it fixed but every time I go, the man who can fix it is not there. Finally, in my frustration, I decided to try to fix it myself. It held up for about a day and then fell apart again. Then, I grabbed the duct tape. This is ridiculous and gaudy, walking around with a necklace duct taped together. I wanted to go into town and get it fixed the first time, and now here I am three months later, and I still have a broken necklace because I’m continually trying “quick-fixes” and not going ahead and getting it fixed (or replaced) all the way.

I find this is even true in my own life. When something gets a little off kilter in my life, I want to quickly clean up the surface so that I can go on with a good appearance. Digging down to the roots just takes too much time and effort. At the time, it feels like it’s better to do a “quick-fix” but I know that in the long run I’ll be glad I dug way down.

This is something I feel like God has been bringing to my attention for the past few weeks and I didn’t fully understand what He was getting at until last night at house church when we started talking about patience.

So, it’s not that God has been trying to teach me that quick-fixes are bad (because sometimes, a lot of the time, it’s good to be able to know how to think quickly and fix situations) I think He has really been trying to get me to look at my heart and see my impatience.

There are actually two different types of patience. There is patience in waiting and patience in affliction. I’m pretty sure I could use work in both areas. Before last night I would consider myself to be a pretty patient person. I never lose my temper, I’m always willing to give people another chance, and I continually come at concepts, ideas, and projects from different angles until I finally get it.  But then we talked about antonyms of patience: disquiet of the spirt, discontentment (which is actually the daughter of pride), prejudice, and self-righteousness.

There are a lot of times during the day when I find myself frustrated that something isn’t happening in my own timing (patience in waiting) or when I have been praying for clear answers and am just not getting them (again, waiting) and even when God is trying to do some cleaning out in my heart and I move Him along (patience in affliction).

Yes, there are definitely areas where I can slow down a bit, practice patience, and not rush right over to the “quick-fixes.”

So, speaking of patiently waiting….a couple months ago I thought I would be leaving Rwanda at the end of May. I had a lot of ideas and possibilities for the summer and was sure that I was supposed to be done in Rwanda by then. Every single one of my summer ideas outside of Rwanda fell through and every single idea that popped up inside of Rwanda is working out. So, I’ll be leaving Kigali, Rwanda on August 4^th with my mother who will be accompanying me in my big transition back to the States for university. We booked out tickets last night, so it’s really official. This only gives me about five more months here with my family, in this great country, in East Africa.

My schedule is pretty full on a day to day basis and we have quite a few “summer” (technically “winter” here in the southern hemisphere) music camps on the horizon. I’m learning the importance of daily down times, and in those times, the importance of getting my replenishment and answers from Him.

Here it is early March and I’m trying to stay cool on a sweltering day, grateful that I still have five months, thankful for the life God has given me, anticipating the future, and patiently waiting. 

Simply Ask

Thursdays have become my Sabbath day. I spend Friday-Wednesday teaching, hanging out with kids, being with friends, babysitting, and essentially, exerting myself. Thursday is the day that I can do whatever I want, by myself.

So far I’ve been spending each Thursday doing something different, trying to find the place where I feel most relaxed, most alone, most open to hear from God.

I took a trip over to Kimironko market this morning. Yes, I find shopping to be relaxing. In the States, Target is my #2 escape (parks are #1). I can walk around and look at things and daydream and not talk to anyone…and, I can buy as much as I want and return it all the next day.

Kimironko is nothing like Target, but I make do with what I have. Yes, I have to talk to people and deal with them following me around but I still find the whole experience to be so much fun. Today the power was out so as I rummaged through the paper necklaces and the second hand clothes, a boy stood next to me holding a flash flight and offering his unwanted, yet humorous, opinions.

Oh, that is very nice. It will make you look fat.

Yeah...thanks.

A friend recently discovered a new café in Kigali, not too far from my house. I took one step into the café this afternoon and it instantly became “my place.” It’s quiet, it has one of my favorite views in Rwanda, looking into town, it has good coffee, and it has a small rooftop area. Unfortunately, it’s raining (Actually, I like the rain, but in this case it’s unfortunate) so the view is really hazy. On sunny days, the rooftop of this café will be perfect. It’s such a quaint little shop and I’m really grateful for it.

If God cares enough about me to give me something like a little café in the middle of a small city in the middle of a tiny county in the middle of Africa, think of all the other things He is capable of doing if we simply ask.

Peace of Grace

Kigali is becoming more congested. Rwanda is already the most densely populated country in Africa, but more cars and more people keep cramming their way into the city. There seem to be quite a lot more foreigners coming to reside here…and by foreigners I mean mzungus (white people).

The Stare Down When you first catch a glimpse of white off in the distance your eyes are immediately drawn to it. You stare very intently waiting to see if you recognize the person or not.

The Excited Wave If you know the mzungu you are encountering and are in a moving vehicle, you experience a surprising amount of joy as you smile and flap your arms back and forth at each other.

The Awkward Smile If you don’t know the mzungu you are encountering but have been unfortunate enough to make eye contact with them, a slight smile must be offered, but then you quickly avert your eyes.

The Blank Face If you don’t know the mzungu and have not yet made eye contact then you stare off into the distance, pretending you have not seen each other.

Most of the time I judgmentally question their (the ones I do not know) being here in Rwanda…thoughts like What is that mzungu doing here? How does he even know about this place [we are in]? Who invited that guy? And I’m sure (s)he is thinking the exact same about me. But I love running into the mzungus I do know…it’s always fun to see a familiar face in this city that is overflowing with people.

The days are passing in a flurry of excitement; the weeks circle around at such a fast speed, leaving two options: get dizzy from watching or get dizzy from riding. I chose the latter.  December was action packed. As indicated in a prior post, many friends returned to Rwanda resulting in reunion upon reunion. (I’m a sucker for alliteration.)

We wrapped up the school term, teaching/tutoring/learning. We had the first ever band concert at Green Hills Academy, which received a great response, leaving us in anticipation for the upcoming semester.

We traveled to Kabuye (middle location on Lake Kivu) for a weekend with good family friends. Swam in the lake, enjoyed the beauty of the country, and shared stories from our past year away from each other.

We (the five immediate members of my family) went on a day trip to Akagera Game Park. It requires waking up in the very early hours of the morning so that you can make your way to the park by the time the animals are waking up and starting their day. We saw quite a lot of zebras and giraffes and we saw evidence of elephants but never actually spotted any with our eyes.

And then December 26^th showed up and it was time for me to board a plane and fly to South Africa.

South Africa was brilliant. I was only in the Western Cape so I guess I can’t really say the whole country was brilliant. It would be like visiting Florida, and maybe a few surrounding states, and claiming to know all about America. Rwanda is a bit different. It’s so small and so consistent; it doesn’t take long to figure it out.

I went to Cape Town with a friend over the Christmas/New Year’s holiday. We experienced so much. We rented a car, a manual not an automatic, so I drove. On the right hand side of the car. On the left side of the road. It took a couple days for my brain to catch on, and even now, being back in Rwanda, I’ve had to seriously think about which side of the road I’m driving on. (But depending on which road I’m on in Rwanda, I could drive on the left or the right and no one would think anything of it.)

We started our adventure in Stellenbosch – a positively gorgeous city. It reminded me a bit of Colorado with its wide open plains and mountains jetting up in the west. We attempted to go shark cage diving, but only a tiny bit of one shark was spotted…we never even made it into the water. Rather, we sat on the boat, in the cold wind and choppy waters for countless hours. It was miserable.

From there we traveled down to Muizenberg. We stayed at a hostel right across the street, and railroad tracks, from the beach. Being on the Indian Ocean, we could taste some of the distinct Indian flavors in our food at the local restaurants. We also drove to Ashton, which is supposed to be 2.5 hours away, in the middle of nowhere, but we missed our exit and instead drove for 4 hours to get to our destination. Our destination was an outdoor music festival in the middle of a wine estate…in the middle of nowhere. The festival was great; we heard a lot of really good music, including Matthew Mole! He’s an awesome artist…if you’re looking for some new music, check him out!

Also, while staying in Muizenberg we drove along the coast, through Simon’s Town, (where we attempted to get close to some penguins, but discovered that it was easier said than done) to Cape Point/Cape of Good Hope. Where the Indian and Atlantic Ocean meet. It is beautiful. It currently holds the number one position of my favorite places, passing Kumbyia (Lake Kivu, Rwanda) and the Tetons (Grand Teton National Park, Wyoming)…yeah, it was that amazing, people.

In case climbing over the rocks and splashing in the oceans wasn’t enough for me to remember the place, I crashed a wedding engagement, and so now I’ll always remember the day.

The two girls I was traveling with (CC and Megan) and I were at the very edge of Cape of Good Hope and I saw an awesome photo opportunity. I gave CC the camera and told her to take a picture of me. And I ran over to the cliff opposite us. There was a man and a woman sitting on the cliff and just as I approached them the man said, “Will you marry me?”

I froze. Should I congratulate them? Should I apologize? Should I walk away?

We made eye contact. My face reddened.

And then I chose the dumbest option and turned and smiled for the camera.

After I ran away and got CC and Megan and we laughed about it, CC took more pictures of them and then we walked over to meet them. I repeatedly apologized and congratulated them and got their email address so that I could send them the pictures. The poor guy…he had been waiting all day, it was sunset, and then this random girl shows up out of nowhere.  

The next day we relocated to Cape Town. Cape Town is the coolest for three reason: it’s a city, on the beach/water, surrounded by mountains. There’s nothing more to say.

Cape Town is very developed and westernized. I would call it America but it has enough Africa in it to not quite make the cut. It’s the perfect place.

While we were in Cape Town, we hiked Table Mountain, we went paragliding off Signal Hill, we went shopping, we toured Robben Island, and we met so many people. Staying in hostels put us in the way of making new friends. We met South Africans and other tourists from all over the world. We were also able to meet up with our South African friends that we met in Rwanda a few months ago. South Africans are really cool people; they have their own lingo and style, they’re polite and witty, and they have such cool accents (even though they don’t know it).

Given the opportunity, yes, I would definitely go back to Cape Town. The city and the people totally won my heart.

So now I’m back in Rwanda. My gap year is already half-way finished. It’s time for me to start making my plans for the next step.

A lot of people ask God for a word/phrase/theme for the upcoming year. I didn’t really have that intention when I set out of my quest to find peace. But now, looking back, I can see that peace was definitely my word for 2014. And God gave it (peace) to me. I’ve learned what peace looks like and how it feels and how it’s received and given. I’ve learned that being at peace means complete contentment with the One who is in control. My emotions don’t have to be happy and positive for me to be at peace. I can be sad and discouraged yet still be living in peace.

2014 was a really significant year for me. I moved from North Carolina to Florida to Rwanda. I tried on so many different ideas, like clothes, trying to find the one that fit me right. I struggled, learned, grew, arrived.

I’ll be in Rwanda through May and then I’ll begin my quest back to America. Wandering around a bit as I slowly make my way to University’s doorstep. I’ve applied and been accepted to three schools. I’ve eliminated one and have been praying and seriously considering the other two. I’m almost ready to make a decision but I need to get my financial aid and scholarship money sorted. So, stay tuned.

Back to Reality

I’ve just spent the last two weeks embracing Cape Town, South Africa, and the surrounding areas. It was eye opening. But not in the same way that Kenya was eye opening for me. It was a very different experience.

I’m finding myself feeling rather caught in between two places. My head is still in Cape Town but my body is here in Rwanda. But it’s not like I’m going back to a boring monotonous life after a whirlwind trip to South Africa. No, far from it, actually. I live in the middle of Africa, for goodness sake. Every day is always an adventure.

I love Rwanda. It’s just that now I love South Africa too.

But it’s not like I didn’t already have my heart torn up and divided all over the world.

I guess that’s what happens when you have lived/visited/invested/embraced/ interacted. When you have actively chosen to get involved then you end up leaving a part of yourself behind. 

God gave me one heart. Only one. How am I supposed to divide it up among all these people and places that have become such an important part of my life?

First, I must give my heart back to God. My heart is His heart. Only He is capable of loving forever, endlessly. So if my heart is His heart, then I have His love in me and I am able to pour that out and continue loving and living with my heart divided all over the world.

Loving people. Loving every minute of every day.

I have a lot to say about my excursion to Cape Town, about my month of December, about what is coming up in the very near future. I live an exciting life, people. I have a lot to share. But, I am an introvert who has been surrounded by people for the last 21 days (maybe more) without rest. Constant interaction with people. (And no, sleeping does not count as not being around people. Only an extrovert would say that.) Give me a few days and I should have enough blogs to keep you entertained for the rest of the month, maybe longer. 

December

December is just a mere seven days away. Generally, I’m not overly eager for the month to be sprung upon us, for a variety of reasons. It represents a lot of disappointment and sadness. But God is transforming and redeeming every aspect of my life. Including my thoughts on December.

December is most commonly associated with Christmas. I do not like this association. Santa Clauses lining the store fronts with their jingle bells and cans of collected money. Commercials and magazines advertising the “must-haves.” Discounts and sales and plenty of reasons to buy. I can hardly tolerate it in America.

Yesterday I saw a plastic dancing Santa Clause outside of Nakumatt and their elephant mascot was adorned with twinkling lights. Sawa Citi also seems to like the idea of rushing the season. They have a decorated tree in the entrance and a (one) Christmas carol is playing on the speakers …on repeat. Ugh. Not you too, Rwanda. I do believe consumerized-Christmas is overtaking the world. (Note: Both Nakumatt and Sawa Citi could be considered grocery stores.)

But, I’m not trying to stand on a soap box. Christmas and consumerism are not the point of this post. In fact, I try to avoid the two. Yes, I will even admit to being a bit of a Scrooge when it comes to embracing the season.

But this particular December is going to be packed with excitement. So, I’m choosing to focus on the reasons to be happy about December, rather than moping through the season and missing out on an entire month and oppotunities to experience joy.

Reasons to Be Happy About December:

(1) The Hanlons (family friends who have been in the States since June) are coming on Dec. 5

(2) The Foltas (family friends who have been out of Rwanda for far too long) are coming on Dec. 18

(3) Bronwyn (good friend, and master of Dutch Blitz, who has been in Canada for university) is coming on Dec. 19

(4) I’ll be completing two-decades of living on Dec. 23

(5) I’m going on an 11 day adventure to South Africa on Dec. 26

And that’s not to mention all of the everyday occurrences that result in unplanned joy and happiness. I’m faced with reasons to smile and give thanks every single day. December is just going to have extra and bigger and better reasons. Yes, because of who God is, because of what He has done, and because of family and friends, I can’t wait for December.